The Iranian Twitter Revolution

Twitter, a relatively new social media tool, has long been accused of being too banal even for the average person to take any interest.

This certainly has not been the case in Iran, however, as government censorship has threatened to cut off any communication to or from the troubled country. In these tumultuous times, Twitter has proven to be invaluable for citizen journalists speaking their minds and reporting on each day's events.

Here are some examples of the vital reporting emerging from Twitter feeds, focusing on the aftermath of the Iranian elections.

- "Standing here @ the protests -- good 2 c tons of hottiez and no fattiez!! :)"

- "Man I wish Ahmenidijad would just STFU!"

- "Lts b serious, we're all gunna end up blming this on the jewz anywayz :p "

- "i gotta ttyl, b/c i just set off a car bomb...LOL"

- "omg, this is the scariest thing to happn to iran since the great beard fire of 89!"

- "jst got arrstd, the cps r totally gunno shock my bllz :("

- "kewl, havnt seen ths much green since hamas blw up that tabbouleh factory ^_^"

- "me and my BFF both h8 the gr8 s8tan"

- "I think that we as a people should respond with a measured approach and peacefully reform the system by utilizing nonviolent political solutions...haha JK ROFL :D"

- "g2g, gunno go fap to sum MILF pron b4 the protest ;)"

Medical Advice for the Rich

I read an article the other day that gave me perhaps the most useless medical advice I've ever read. In it, the article advised it's readers to "make sure to keep your toothbrush at least 14 feet away from your toilet," lest it gets infected with poo-particles that apparently fly around everywhere every time you flush.

Upon reading this pearl of wisdom, I immediately wondered: Who is this message supposed to be directed at?

Who the hell has a bathroom so big that you can put your toothbrush 14 feet away from ANYTHING!! I actually took the time to measure this out, and my fucking PILLOW isn't 14 feet away from my toilet. My bathroom is so small I almost have to put one foot in my dryer when I take a shit.

What other pieces of ultra-practical advice does the medical establishment have for us? To keep your underwear at least 400 feet away from your Maserati? To always keep your house slippers and yacht slippers separate? To make sure your Nintendo Wii controllers never, EVER come within 1,000 feet of your live, Bengal tiger?

I guess those of us who don't have 400 square foot bathrooms with rain showers are just going to have to wake up every morning and continue to clean our teeth with the poop-brush just like the other 99.9% of the world.

Local Girlfriend Regularly Confuses Telling a Good Story With Accurately Describing Events that Have Occurred

Seattle, WA -- According to eyewitness reports, area girlfriend Alicia Stevens, regularly confuses telling a good story with accurately describing events that have occurred in the past.

"Every time I try to tell a story she always corrects every detail until nobody gives a shit what happened and I just have to move on to asking people about their stupid jobs," said Adam Titlebaum, Stevens' boyfriend of three years.

Historically, humorous stories are typically embellished by the teller to invoke interest in the listeners.

Titlebaum's roomate Wyatt Tillman, noted that Titlebaum was corrected several times while attempting to entertain mutual friends at Seastar Bar and Grill. Corrections to Titlebaum's stories ranged from "that homeless guy wasn't naked, he was wearing jeans and you could only see his butt crack," to "actually you just put your head down, said you were sorry and walked away," to "you told me the other night that you don't even really like beer!"

The couples' friends have increasingly noticed Titlebaum's withdrawel during social situations. "I wish she would just shut the fuck up and let the man tell a goddamn story," Tillman said during an interview.

"I don't understand why Adam has to lie just to make a story funny," Stevens said about her frusterated boyfriend. "Maybe he should just get some better stories if it bothers him so much."

Stevens then went on to talk about her interview that day while everyone at the table played with their cell phones.

Thanks, Safeway

Upon paying my bill of $130 at the local Safeway grocery store, I was handed a coupon. "Just a little thanks from us, letting you know how much we value you as a customer," Safway seemed to be telling me. I then turned over the coupon, eager to read all about the journey of savings I was about to embark on. "$1 Off Minute Made Grape Drink," read the coupon. It also expires in 4 days. Well gee whiz, with mind blowing savings like that, you would have to be crazy not to shop at Safeway for every possible need or want.

Here are some other promotional ideas I've thought up that I think would be equally useful to the average consumer.

-1 cent off Johnson and Johnson's Anal Cancer Causing Cream

-Two tickets to Glenn Beck's Common Sense Comedy Tour with purchase of $500 or more

-Half price on any single one way ticket to Cambodia only redeemable on Christmas Eve

-Free Shit Sandwich

-6 jars of Baconaise for the price of 7

-Buy 17 jars of Del Monte Mixed Fruit and we'll drive to your kid's high school and tell the other children to stop calling him a faggot all the time

-With two shopping trips in one week receive a Major League Baseball Autographed by John Edwards

-Buy anything in the store and we'll rape the shit out of you

-Receive one PC with Windows with any gallon of milk

Standardized Hand Signals For Close Range Engagement (C.R.E.) Operations

"Come This Way"

"Listen or I Hear"

"Whoa, whoa whoa....You fuckin' talkin' to ME?"

"Let's all run at him like Hacksaw Jim Duggan."

"Can you grab a bandage real quick? I think I may have been shot."

"I mean, if you don't cup the balls then why even show up?"

"OF COURSE while doing this! What are you, 12?!"

Fart Joke

Caption Contest

A few examples:

"Michelle! Michelle! Can you believe this sleeping bitch next to me?"

"What a beautiful, young, intelligent woman. So vibrant and full of life. She'll get into my country club over my dead fucking body, but full of life nonetheless."

"Fucking priceless. She's gonna have full access to the presidency and Barrack-hard boners for the next four years while I'm stuck in Texas playing golf with Yahoo McPencildick."

"Born in 1964? Please. By then I'd already killed a guy."

"If it weren't for that Goddamned hyper-agreeable Will Smith, non of this shit would have ever happened in the first place."

"We were about to dismiss this bitch as yet another Boomer-era, Uber-WASP when our dick slapped our brain in the face and was like wait just a doggone minute...We would rather eat shrimp off your genitalia like an aardvark on the savanna." (Guest Example Post Submitted By Vice Magazine)

powdered donuts...eh

Maybe its just me, but I always want to like powdered donuts. They always look delicious in the box or on the rack. Starring back at you with its powdery glow, enticing you to pick it out of the plethora of choices. And what happens every time? It sucks. One of two things happen. It is either dry and therefore making you need some sort of beverage, or it has that kind of stale "i was made 14 hours ago" taste. I'm just saying whats the point? I know it is my fault for picking it, but I am just waiting to have a better experience every time. Down with the powdered demon.

I have gotten some great responses on this and I felt the need to post one of my faves from my good friend Brittany:

"Here's what I hate about powdered donuts, everytime I get one I always inhale right before I take a bite and then the powder gets down my throat and I cough and if I don't inhale, I exhale and then that fucking powder gets all over my face and clothes

JUST SAYING!"

The Button Fly....Why?

So I have recently bought a couple new pairs of jeans, turns out carpenter jeans are no longer cool, and these jeans have a new aspect that I was not quite used to. Not only is there no place to put my much needed hammer, instead of the good old fashioned zipper fly, the type of fly I have come to know and love, I was stymied when I discovered the dreaded button fly. Now I thought the whole purpose of the fly was so that I did not have to unbutton my jeans, but simply unzip and rock and roll. Now, not only do I have to unbutton my pants, but I have to unbutton 4 other buttons. For the love of god, why is peeing becoming such a task? Then I have the pleasure of having to re-button these bad boys which happen to be in the most awkward buttoning place ever. I'm not saying I don't get it style wise. Sure, I guess it looks cool? Can we not just have fake buttons with a zipper under it? Im just saying. Help me out here Levis.

Weight Watchers

Do you ever notice anytime someone you know goes on weight watchers it ends up with you just watching them gain weight? Hmmm, I think they need to work on this whole food point system theory.

Bathroom Attendants...Go away!

First, I just want to say sorry for the long delay on the posts (scott). We will make sure to update regularly. Enjoy the post.

There are very few jobs in this world that I look down upon or really just annoy me. If you are out working, good for you. Make that money. Though for some reason, there is no job that seems more pointless and/or annoying to me than the dreaded bathroom attendant. It is like you are peeing with the constant knowledge that there is a homeless guy behind you begging for change. You know what buddy, I can turn on the sink myself and you know what, I don't need any extra cologne at this point in time. Maybe at a 5-Star restaurant. Then I get it. Do we really need some guy in a nice suite at the Spread Bar bathroom? I will be peeing at least 15 times throughout the night. At what point do I just stop washing my hands all together? I mean if it is an automatic flush I think we are all good. If I need to wash my hands after that, I should be washing my penis. I think we all need to come together and nix this position. It is way too much pressure and overall ruins my 16 seconds of bathroom bliss. I pee fast.

Paul Shaffer Haunts my Dreams

Being a fan of David Letterman doesn't come without a price. While I do love his dry humor, politically driven monologues, and timeless style, the show has one flawed set back: Paul "I will eat your children" Shaffer. Am I the only one creeped out by this dude? Not only does he look like a combo of Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Matt Hasselback,but he is also constantly yelling into his mic. Could we get that thing turned off for the love of god. We know when Letterman is funny. We don't need Paul coughing laughs into the mic and therefore causing shivers to run down my spine on a nightly basis. Sure, he is a talented musician and we can't take that away, but we can certainly monitor his odd style and involvement in the show so that he doesn't remind everyone of the creepy uncle who gives you gum for your birthday.

Worst Costume Ever?

It has been a little bit since I have posted, but I must say this got me all worked up. I was cruising some websites trying to find a sweet Halloween costume for my 4 yr old nephew when I stumbled across this gem. http://www.buycostumes.com/Safety-Cone-Child-Costume/32956/ProductDetail.aspx.

Are you seriously telling them they are selling this at all and to top it off for $40? There is some poor child out there who is sitting inside his cone costume while the other kids in their Spider Man and Batman costumes are getting all the candy. Someone please help this poor child out of the cone costume and into some therapy.

Report: Violence Remains Sole Acceptable Expression of Emotion for Heterosexuals

From right to left: Phil Barnes congratulates Jerry Liu on the birth of his son. 

Generation XXX

In his new book, "The Porning of America," Kevin Scott claims that as many as 85 percent of teens aged 13 to 14 have accessed sexually explicit content at least once.  

Here are some of the more surprising ways that teenagers are exposed to sexual materials on a daily basis:

-Flintstones Birth Control Pills

-Marc Jacobs announces that for fall 2008: "booty shorts are the new black"

-Nintendo Wii are going to have sex right now

-If you actually look closely at the box, Count Chocula has an erection

-Unlike previous generations, today's children are born with a bizarre brain malfunction in which they are not cripplingly ashamed of the human body

-2009 Toyota Camry has up to five lube holders 

-Today's teens know that there ever comes a day when they don't have constant access to large, glistening breasts, the terrorists have truly won

-Somehow, according to Title 9, handjobs are an official ISHA sport  

-Young people of today might be even more promiscuous if it weren't for the principled, righteous examples set by Bill Clinton, Gary Hart, James McGreevey, Gary Condit, Mark Foley, Bob Livingston, Jim West, Larry Craig, Ted Kennedy, Elliot Spitzer, Clarence Thomas, Rudy Giuliani, Barny Frank, Kwame Kilpatrick, Newt Gingrich, Bob Allen, Fred Richmond and Jack Ryan 

Outraged Over Playoff Sweep, Cubs Fans Demonstrate Anger By Selling Out Home Games Through 2015

Held in Relationship for Eight Years, Local Man No Longer Able to Survive in Wild

Chicago, IL - Wildlife officials Tuesday said that a local man, age 28, was released into the wild after almost eight years in relationship.  Experts fear that without food, water and regular sexual activity, he may not be able to survive the harsh Chicago winters that will soon sweep the area.  

After some prodding the adult male, named John Weisberg, lumbered down N. Clark Street and into a 7/11 that contained Beef Jerky and Coors Light, the human male's primary diet in the wild.  He carries with him the hopes for the survival of the species.  

Dr. Zhang Hemin, Director of the Single Male Research Center at Ball State University said Weisberg's long term outlook might still be positive.

"After eight years, his ability to go into the wild is surprisingly good," said Dr. Hemin.  "He has adjusted to single-life more rapidly than expected, and the copious pity-sex available to him may be enough to sustain Mr. Weisberg in the short term."

Though, according to his childhood friend Bill Masterson, Weisberg's long term ability to thrive in the natural environment is still very much in doubt.  

"The dude literally has lost all ability to talk to women since he started dating Sheela," said Masterson."  Seriously, John wouldn't know what to do with new pussy if it literally sat on his face."  

Masterson continued:  "Like the other night we were at the bar and this girl asked him to buy her a drink.  Sounds promising right?  Well Johnny Smooth looks right at her and replies: 'Aaalllrighty then.'  Alrighty then?  An Ace Ventura reference?  In 2008? You've got to be fucking kidding me."  

For the time being, wildlife officials have fitted Weisberg with a GPS collar, to track his movements throughout the city's Northside.  The success or failure of the experiment will have implications for the reintroduction of single males around the world.  

As for Weisberg, only time will tell whether he will be able to adjust to his new environment, avoid starvation and reproduce in this often inhospitable urban savanna.  

Report: Financial Downturn Not Affecting Chronic Masterbaters

According to Chicago, IL resident Jim Lovett, plans to vigorously stimulate his own genitals to orgasm are still on course despite the global credit crunch. 

Lovett is representative of a major trend in the U.S. released in a report by the FED on Wednesday.

"There is no prospect of masterbating as a whole being mothballed by the current financial difficulties in the country," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson.  

Further, while wholesale trade was brisk, public sector job gains in both the tissue and internet service provider industries suggest solid growth in the masterbating sector of the economy.  

But don't take that "as a sign of what lies over the balance of the quarter," Paulson warned, noting that consumer retail hand lotion sales were flat, an indication that domestic demand in masterbation may be faltering slightly.  "Job loss and economic depression over the long term may negatively effect the average consumer's willingness to 'release the doves' on a regular basis."

For the time being, regular masterbaters like Mr. Lovett will continue to spend time in unlit basements for hours on end--even at the expense of human relationships--despite what could end up being an inhospitable economic climate for auto-eroticism.  

Classical economists have recently noted that John Maynard Keynes predicted much of this behavior in his 1936: "The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Firing the Flesh Musket."  

 

Coach Jim Tressel To Team: "The Nightmare's Finally Over, We Can All Go Back To Beating The Shit Out Of Big Ten Teams Now."

Ask A Forefather: What do you make of the recent financial crisis?

George Washington

"Arbitrary power is the most easily established on the ruins of liberty abused to licentiousness."

John Adams

"There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty."

James Madison

"A sincere and steadfast co-operation in promoting such a reconstruction of our political system as would provide for the permanent liberty and happiness of the United States."

Thomas Jefferson

"Fuck the financial crisis, where da black bitches at?"

CNN: Your First Stop for Tabloid Journalism

While the average consumer of internet media has delivered a record number of clicks to sites like CNN.com, the rest of us have noticed a startling trend toward tabloid journalism from the traditional "big names." Here are a few of the latest "breaking" news stories featured on CNN.com from around the world.

"Local Cat Adopts Abandoned Baby Boy"

"Pastor Electrocuted While Judging Youth Chili Cook-Off"

"How Hot is it in Tempe, Arizona? Hot Enough for Murder"

"Rapist Fights Off Burgler"

"In Space, They Don't Have Rocktober"

"Somewhere, Right Now, A White Girl Is Probably Being Kidnapped"

"Baby Pandas! Baby Pandas! Baby Pandas!"

"Child Porn: Is It Making Our Kids Unsafe?"

"Kids Born On 9/11 Have Birthday Ruined...Again"

"The Secret's Out: George Clooney Loves Hot Dogs"

"Which World Leader Has The Most FUPA?"

Post Secret Rejects

Frank Warren, the artist and founder of the PostSecret project collects secrets anonymously and shares them in books and online.

Warren says he receives about a quarter million secrets, roughly 1,000 a week. He's shared them in four New York Times best-selling books, two traveling exhibits and at www.postsecret.com, a site that gets about a million hits a week.

For the first time ever, Frank has released some of the secrets that weren’t good enough to make it on the site:

And Now For Something Completely Unpopular...

Entourage is an escapist fantasy that belongs on "The CW." And an unfunny one at that.

"Did you see the last Entourage?"

I discovered the other day that I'm the only person on earth who thinks that the show Entourage is terrible. It's weird, frankly, to discover yourself on a veritable island of personal taste--a bastion of negativity surrounded by a raging party of people delighting in a show so escapist, it makes Mormonism seem grounded. How did this show (that should be entitled "Hey, look how much fun it must be to be rich!") become more popular than pussy, golden retreivers and Facebook all put together?

Because honestly, if you actually broke down the show piece-by-piece, I would estimate that there's about 12 minutes of actual dialogue in the entire program. And what little, always unfunny dialogue does occur, is simply used to set up the next music montage of hot girls and jet-skis. The show is a 45 minute long rap video with white people.

Are we that desperate as a society? Look, I would love to get bottle service while two girls take turns blowing me, too. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and live vicariously through a bunch of bland, fame-whores making averagely witty remarks to each other followed by the fourth music montage of the hour featuring a really cool pool party.

Since Entourage is such an international hit, I have my own idea for a show: It's starring Patrick Dempsey as a a playboy millionaire who solves mysteries with his small, Jewish, comic-relief friend and about 400 aspiring models. The show will be called Cold Hard Cash, with Dempsey playing the main character, Rick Cash. Each episode will consist of a 22 minute, slow-motion, music packed shot of Dempsey getting road-head from a model in his green Enzo as he cruises LA. Then, for the obligatory unbridled hilarity, his less-attractive Jewish friend in the back seat will say "Hey Rick, I thought we were DOING blow in your car, not GETTING blown!" Ha!! And then Rick will look up directions to the next destination on his MacBook Pro with the apple logo facing the camera.

End Scene. I think we've got a hit on our hands.

5 Money Saving Tips to Live in NYC

Any one who lives in NYC knows it is expensive. The problem with this is that it has killed my dream of how sweet I thought life would be with a steady income. Sadly, most of that income is spent on just living! Here are the top 5 tips and realizations to survive in NYC:

5- Toilet paper= expensive. Go ahead and just grab some toilet paper from your place of work and or a horrible dive bar. Not only is it usually half a roll, but shitty quality as well- Cost: Free!

4- Realizing that eating Ramen in college was not only filling, but economical and you have now stocked your apt with Cup-O-Noodles. Cost: $2 for 3 cups

3- While paying $90 a month seems fantastic to join a gym, f-that, you find the combo of eating your salted noodle soup and taking out the garbage from your 5 story walk up keeps you in shape: Cost: Free!

2- Birthdays and special events are always hard to get around. Presents for friends and family members are just expected in a lot of cases. Solution? Office supplies. Outfitting your Mom's stocking with pencils and your co-workers business cards will warm the heart. Trust me. A mothers love is a beautiful thing. She will understand. Cost: Free, unless you get fired.

1- When going out to beer gardens, bars with a 100 beers on tap, and of course the ever popular mixed drink, you find yourself constantly ordering good old PBR! Thank god for the Midwest and their cheap delicious beer. I mean, it didn't win the blue ribbon for nothing. Cost: $2-$3 a can

Passive Aggressive Wife To Begin Referring to Husband as "The Old Bald and Chain."

How does "Sarah Barracuda" stack up against vice presidential nicknames of the past?

A political insider-turned-outsider and the first female governor of Alaska, "Sarah Barracuda," could be a heartbeat away from the presidency, should her 72-year-old running mate win in November.

Here are some other Vice Presidential Nicknames from America’s past:

Elbridge “Pickles” Gerry (1813-1814)

John C. “Dank Nuggets” Calhoun (1829-1832)

Charles “Char-Dog” Fairbanks (1905-1909)

Millard “Old Balls” Fillmore (1849-1850)

Hubert “The Big Green Fucking Machine” Humphrey (1965-1969)

John Nance “Booya” Garner (1933-1941)

William “Crazy Legs” Wheeler (1877-1881)

Adlai E. “He Hate Me” Stevenson (1893-1897)

Spiro “Baron Von Awesome” Agnew (1969-1973)

Dan “Dan” Quayle (1989-1993)

Dick “Just Because I Rock Doesn't Mean I'm Made of Stone” Cheney (2001-2008 )

Phrase of the Month

For the life of me I cannot remember where I heard this, but I remember loving it the first time as much as I do now. Let me introduce you to the phrase of the month, " Fuck scuse me." Such a phrase can be used in such a wide variety of context and situations that everyone should try and integrate it to their everyday life. Here are some examples:

Question 1: "Hey Brandon, do you know where my pen is?"
Response 1: "Fuck scuse me?"

Question 2: " Hey guys, did someone use my towel this morning?"
Response 2: " Fuck scuse me?"

Question 3: " Are you wearing my boxers?"
Response 3: " Fuck scuse me!"

As you can see the possibilities are endless. Feel free to explore the phrase and post your own examples.

Profiles in Democracy: The Undecided Voter

The Undecided Voter is a rare breed of American who, despite more than four presidential debates, over 80 separate televised ads and thousands of articles in the mainstream media, still cannot quite make up his or her mind regarding the presidential candidates of 2008. Undecided Voters are sometimes referred to as “Swing-Voters,” “Centrists,” or “Dumb-Fucks.” Such votes are usually sought after in elections, since they--much to the dismay of people who regularly read newspapers--can play a big role in determining the outcome.

Is McCain “Jesusy” enough? What about Obama’s relationship with Osama Bin Laden? These are the kind of hard-hitting, informed questions the Undecided Voter frequently asks him/herself throughout the election cycle. By forming a perfect amalgam of the two candidate’s worst ideas, the Undecided Voter looks to carry on the proud tradition of effectively retarding the election process for the whole country in 2008.

Common examples of swing voters include “Reagan Democrats,” “Clinton Republicans,” and “Julius 'Dr. J' Erving Libertarians.”

The Undecided Voter at a Glance:

Current Occupation: Youth Minister

Exploring Employment in the Fields of: Buying and flipping real estate, day-trading, applying for government grants and falling for a Nigerian Bank Scam

Self-Described Political Views: Fiscally liberal; socially conservative; pro-life; pro-abortion in the cases of rape, incest and freshman year; anti-globalization; anti-union; pro-science; anti-"evilution"; pro-American Idol; anti-welfare; pro-welfare for white people

Disgusted By: Attack Ads

Makes Final Decision Based on Contents of: Attack Ads

Looked Down Upon At: Dinner Parties

Candidate Breakdown:

McCain
Pros: Looks like my granddad, maverickability
Cons: My granddad molested me

Obama
Pros: Will offer change by the fistful
Cons: First, Middle, Last Name

Latest Bin Laden Video Condemns 'Disaster Movie' as "…just one more reason why we hate you guys."

Osama Bin Laden, accused of being behind a number of atrocities, including the 1998 bombing of two US embassies in East Africa and the attacks on New York and Washington on 11 September 2001, released a video today condemning Jason Friedberg's Disaster Movie.

"This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a "movie" and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film," said Bin Laden in a video that US officials say they believe was shot in Pakistan . "The Infidel will surely pay for this insult."

Also appearing in the video was Saif al-Adel, Bin Laden's security chief.

"I went to a 5:30 p.m. screening. After previews, the movie began some time between 5:44 and 5:47. The closing credits started at 6:47," al-Adel said. "I mean seriously, $10.23 for an hour-long movie? What a freakin rip-off."

The extremist anger comes in large part from fact that the promises of quality, Coen Brothers-style films – made loudly by Western powers at the time of the war against the Taliban regime - are still no more than a pipe dream.

"Disaster Movie is a prime example that capitalism fails to solve any fundamental problems facing the people of the neo-colonial world," said Taliban spokesman Ahmed Shah Masud.

American movies in Afghanistan have been accused of bringing only destruction, poverty and guys getting kicked in the balls using CGI graphics to the war-torn nation.

"Normally, only the Evil Jew can get me this riled up," said Abu Hamza al-Muhajir, successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the militant leader of al-Qaeda. "But this movie was so unbelievably insulting to my intelligence…Allah Be His Name Praised Be He I am so pissed off!"

In a statement released by the White House, President Bush noted that Disaster Movie not only represented "freedom," but that it was a personal favorite in the Bush household. Bush also mentioned that the scene where "Iron Man got kicked in the balls," was "hilarious."

Bin Laden ended the video by asking:

"When will The West stop making these disgraceful movies? When will the lame teens and pre-teens wake up and stop paying to see this crap so they stop making a profit? Anyone could "write" a movie like these guys do. Just watch recent movies, make fun of something by over exaggerating, throw in some fart and boob jokes and there you have it."

No, I'm not going to be your monkey.

What is it about doing stand-up comedy in particular, as opposed to any other art form, that implies it is ok for people to demand that you tell them jokes on the spot anywhere, at any time? I'm not your monkey, people.

If there is any other art form or occupation where it is standard practice to immediately demand a demonstration then please, let me know. Though I'm pretty sure that people don't go up to doctors and say "Hey, you're a doctor? Well check my prostate then," or "Oh wow, your an artist? Then draw me a picture right now," or "Oh, you work in construction? Well then say something racist for me."

Now, before you get all excited, I'm not saying that all contruction workers are racists...though I am saying that all racists are construction workers.

The Real Axe Effect? Letting everyone around you know that you’re a complete douche bag.

Looking for a way to inform everyone in your general vicinity that you are a complete and unadulterated ass-clown? Then why not go out and purchase yourself an econo-size can of Axe Body Spray? Not only will this product send a clear and direct message to every female in your zip code that you are about as charming as a nursing home fire, but it will also let them know how little taste in fragrance you think they have.

Because, lets be serious here, it is nothing more than a well known fact that no substance on earth gets a girl’s vagina wetter than a $3 bottle of spray-on deodorant. Yes, that aerosol blend of cat pee and ground up Maroon-5 albums lets every girl in the bar know that you are a true renaissance man.

“Oh yeah,” your girlfriend moaned seductively. “There’s nothing hotter than a man who, when buying cologne, can put down a $5 bill and have enough left over to pick up the latest copy of Maxim.”

So if you feel compelled to all at once insult a woman’s taste in both smell and men, please, by all means go to town on yourself with that liquid-frat-boy aptly named Axe Body Spray.