The Button Fly....Why?

So I have recently bought a couple new pairs of jeans, turns out carpenter jeans are no longer cool, and these jeans have a new aspect that I was not quite used to. Not only is there no place to put my much needed hammer, instead of the good old fashioned zipper fly, the type of fly I have come to know and love, I was stymied when I discovered the dreaded button fly. Now I thought the whole purpose of the fly was so that I did not have to unbutton my jeans, but simply unzip and rock and roll. Now, not only do I have to unbutton my pants, but I have to unbutton 4 other buttons. For the love of god, why is peeing becoming such a task? Then I have the pleasure of having to re-button these bad boys which happen to be in the most awkward buttoning place ever. I'm not saying I don't get it style wise. Sure, I guess it looks cool? Can we not just have fake buttons with a zipper under it? Im just saying. Help me out here Levis.

Weight Watchers

Do you ever notice anytime someone you know goes on weight watchers it ends up with you just watching them gain weight? Hmmm, I think they need to work on this whole food point system theory.

Bathroom Attendants...Go away!

First, I just want to say sorry for the long delay on the posts (scott). We will make sure to update regularly. Enjoy the post.

There are very few jobs in this world that I look down upon or really just annoy me. If you are out working, good for you. Make that money. Though for some reason, there is no job that seems more pointless and/or annoying to me than the dreaded bathroom attendant. It is like you are peeing with the constant knowledge that there is a homeless guy behind you begging for change. You know what buddy, I can turn on the sink myself and you know what, I don't need any extra cologne at this point in time. Maybe at a 5-Star restaurant. Then I get it. Do we really need some guy in a nice suite at the Spread Bar bathroom? I will be peeing at least 15 times throughout the night. At what point do I just stop washing my hands all together? I mean if it is an automatic flush I think we are all good. If I need to wash my hands after that, I should be washing my penis. I think we all need to come together and nix this position. It is way too much pressure and overall ruins my 16 seconds of bathroom bliss. I pee fast.

Paul Shaffer Haunts my Dreams

Being a fan of David Letterman doesn't come without a price. While I do love his dry humor, politically driven monologues, and timeless style, the show has one flawed set back: Paul "I will eat your children" Shaffer. Am I the only one creeped out by this dude? Not only does he look like a combo of Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Matt Hasselback,but he is also constantly yelling into his mic. Could we get that thing turned off for the love of god. We know when Letterman is funny. We don't need Paul coughing laughs into the mic and therefore causing shivers to run down my spine on a nightly basis. Sure, he is a talented musician and we can't take that away, but we can certainly monitor his odd style and involvement in the show so that he doesn't remind everyone of the creepy uncle who gives you gum for your birthday.

Worst Costume Ever?

It has been a little bit since I have posted, but I must say this got me all worked up. I was cruising some websites trying to find a sweet Halloween costume for my 4 yr old nephew when I stumbled across this gem. http://www.buycostumes.com/Safety-Cone-Child-Costume/32956/ProductDetail.aspx.

Are you seriously telling them they are selling this at all and to top it off for $40? There is some poor child out there who is sitting inside his cone costume while the other kids in their Spider Man and Batman costumes are getting all the candy. Someone please help this poor child out of the cone costume and into some therapy.

Report: Violence Remains Sole Acceptable Expression of Emotion for Heterosexuals

From right to left: Phil Barnes congratulates Jerry Liu on the birth of his son. 

Generation XXX

In his new book, "The Porning of America," Kevin Scott claims that as many as 85 percent of teens aged 13 to 14 have accessed sexually explicit content at least once.  

Here are some of the more surprising ways that teenagers are exposed to sexual materials on a daily basis:

-Flintstones Birth Control Pills

-Marc Jacobs announces that for fall 2008: "booty shorts are the new black"

-Nintendo Wii are going to have sex right now

-If you actually look closely at the box, Count Chocula has an erection

-Unlike previous generations, today's children are born with a bizarre brain malfunction in which they are not cripplingly ashamed of the human body

-2009 Toyota Camry has up to five lube holders 

-Today's teens know that there ever comes a day when they don't have constant access to large, glistening breasts, the terrorists have truly won

-Somehow, according to Title 9, handjobs are an official ISHA sport  

-Young people of today might be even more promiscuous if it weren't for the principled, righteous examples set by Bill Clinton, Gary Hart, James McGreevey, Gary Condit, Mark Foley, Bob Livingston, Jim West, Larry Craig, Ted Kennedy, Elliot Spitzer, Clarence Thomas, Rudy Giuliani, Barny Frank, Kwame Kilpatrick, Newt Gingrich, Bob Allen, Fred Richmond and Jack Ryan 

Outraged Over Playoff Sweep, Cubs Fans Demonstrate Anger By Selling Out Home Games Through 2015

Held in Relationship for Eight Years, Local Man No Longer Able to Survive in Wild

Chicago, IL - Wildlife officials Tuesday said that a local man, age 28, was released into the wild after almost eight years in relationship.  Experts fear that without food, water and regular sexual activity, he may not be able to survive the harsh Chicago winters that will soon sweep the area.  

After some prodding the adult male, named John Weisberg, lumbered down N. Clark Street and into a 7/11 that contained Beef Jerky and Coors Light, the human male's primary diet in the wild.  He carries with him the hopes for the survival of the species.  

Dr. Zhang Hemin, Director of the Single Male Research Center at Ball State University said Weisberg's long term outlook might still be positive.

"After eight years, his ability to go into the wild is surprisingly good," said Dr. Hemin.  "He has adjusted to single-life more rapidly than expected, and the copious pity-sex available to him may be enough to sustain Mr. Weisberg in the short term."

Though, according to his childhood friend Bill Masterson, Weisberg's long term ability to thrive in the natural environment is still very much in doubt.  

"The dude literally has lost all ability to talk to women since he started dating Sheela," said Masterson."  Seriously, John wouldn't know what to do with new pussy if it literally sat on his face."  

Masterson continued:  "Like the other night we were at the bar and this girl asked him to buy her a drink.  Sounds promising right?  Well Johnny Smooth looks right at her and replies: 'Aaalllrighty then.'  Alrighty then?  An Ace Ventura reference?  In 2008? You've got to be fucking kidding me."  

For the time being, wildlife officials have fitted Weisberg with a GPS collar, to track his movements throughout the city's Northside.  The success or failure of the experiment will have implications for the reintroduction of single males around the world.  

As for Weisberg, only time will tell whether he will be able to adjust to his new environment, avoid starvation and reproduce in this often inhospitable urban savanna.  

Report: Financial Downturn Not Affecting Chronic Masterbaters

According to Chicago, IL resident Jim Lovett, plans to vigorously stimulate his own genitals to orgasm are still on course despite the global credit crunch. 

Lovett is representative of a major trend in the U.S. released in a report by the FED on Wednesday.

"There is no prospect of masterbating as a whole being mothballed by the current financial difficulties in the country," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson.  

Further, while wholesale trade was brisk, public sector job gains in both the tissue and internet service provider industries suggest solid growth in the masterbating sector of the economy.  

But don't take that "as a sign of what lies over the balance of the quarter," Paulson warned, noting that consumer retail hand lotion sales were flat, an indication that domestic demand in masterbation may be faltering slightly.  "Job loss and economic depression over the long term may negatively effect the average consumer's willingness to 'release the doves' on a regular basis."

For the time being, regular masterbaters like Mr. Lovett will continue to spend time in unlit basements for hours on end--even at the expense of human relationships--despite what could end up being an inhospitable economic climate for auto-eroticism.  

Classical economists have recently noted that John Maynard Keynes predicted much of this behavior in his 1936: "The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Firing the Flesh Musket."  

 

Coach Jim Tressel To Team: "The Nightmare's Finally Over, We Can All Go Back To Beating The Shit Out Of Big Ten Teams Now."

Ask A Forefather: What do you make of the recent financial crisis?

George Washington

"Arbitrary power is the most easily established on the ruins of liberty abused to licentiousness."

John Adams

"There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty."

James Madison

"A sincere and steadfast co-operation in promoting such a reconstruction of our political system as would provide for the permanent liberty and happiness of the United States."

Thomas Jefferson

"Fuck the financial crisis, where da black bitches at?"

CNN: Your First Stop for Tabloid Journalism

While the average consumer of internet media has delivered a record number of clicks to sites like CNN.com, the rest of us have noticed a startling trend toward tabloid journalism from the traditional "big names." Here are a few of the latest "breaking" news stories featured on CNN.com from around the world.

"Local Cat Adopts Abandoned Baby Boy"

"Pastor Electrocuted While Judging Youth Chili Cook-Off"

"How Hot is it in Tempe, Arizona? Hot Enough for Murder"

"Rapist Fights Off Burgler"

"In Space, They Don't Have Rocktober"

"Somewhere, Right Now, A White Girl Is Probably Being Kidnapped"

"Baby Pandas! Baby Pandas! Baby Pandas!"

"Child Porn: Is It Making Our Kids Unsafe?"

"Kids Born On 9/11 Have Birthday Ruined...Again"

"The Secret's Out: George Clooney Loves Hot Dogs"

"Which World Leader Has The Most FUPA?"

Post Secret Rejects

Frank Warren, the artist and founder of the PostSecret project collects secrets anonymously and shares them in books and online.

Warren says he receives about a quarter million secrets, roughly 1,000 a week. He's shared them in four New York Times best-selling books, two traveling exhibits and at www.postsecret.com, a site that gets about a million hits a week.

For the first time ever, Frank has released some of the secrets that weren’t good enough to make it on the site:

And Now For Something Completely Unpopular...

Entourage is an escapist fantasy that belongs on "The CW." And an unfunny one at that.

"Did you see the last Entourage?"

I discovered the other day that I'm the only person on earth who thinks that the show Entourage is terrible. It's weird, frankly, to discover yourself on a veritable island of personal taste--a bastion of negativity surrounded by a raging party of people delighting in a show so escapist, it makes Mormonism seem grounded. How did this show (that should be entitled "Hey, look how much fun it must be to be rich!") become more popular than pussy, golden retreivers and Facebook all put together?

Because honestly, if you actually broke down the show piece-by-piece, I would estimate that there's about 12 minutes of actual dialogue in the entire program. And what little, always unfunny dialogue does occur, is simply used to set up the next music montage of hot girls and jet-skis. The show is a 45 minute long rap video with white people.

Are we that desperate as a society? Look, I would love to get bottle service while two girls take turns blowing me, too. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and live vicariously through a bunch of bland, fame-whores making averagely witty remarks to each other followed by the fourth music montage of the hour featuring a really cool pool party.

Since Entourage is such an international hit, I have my own idea for a show: It's starring Patrick Dempsey as a a playboy millionaire who solves mysteries with his small, Jewish, comic-relief friend and about 400 aspiring models. The show will be called Cold Hard Cash, with Dempsey playing the main character, Rick Cash. Each episode will consist of a 22 minute, slow-motion, music packed shot of Dempsey getting road-head from a model in his green Enzo as he cruises LA. Then, for the obligatory unbridled hilarity, his less-attractive Jewish friend in the back seat will say "Hey Rick, I thought we were DOING blow in your car, not GETTING blown!" Ha!! And then Rick will look up directions to the next destination on his MacBook Pro with the apple logo facing the camera.

End Scene. I think we've got a hit on our hands.

5 Money Saving Tips to Live in NYC

Any one who lives in NYC knows it is expensive. The problem with this is that it has killed my dream of how sweet I thought life would be with a steady income. Sadly, most of that income is spent on just living! Here are the top 5 tips and realizations to survive in NYC:

5- Toilet paper= expensive. Go ahead and just grab some toilet paper from your place of work and or a horrible dive bar. Not only is it usually half a roll, but shitty quality as well- Cost: Free!

4- Realizing that eating Ramen in college was not only filling, but economical and you have now stocked your apt with Cup-O-Noodles. Cost: $2 for 3 cups

3- While paying $90 a month seems fantastic to join a gym, f-that, you find the combo of eating your salted noodle soup and taking out the garbage from your 5 story walk up keeps you in shape: Cost: Free!

2- Birthdays and special events are always hard to get around. Presents for friends and family members are just expected in a lot of cases. Solution? Office supplies. Outfitting your Mom's stocking with pencils and your co-workers business cards will warm the heart. Trust me. A mothers love is a beautiful thing. She will understand. Cost: Free, unless you get fired.

1- When going out to beer gardens, bars with a 100 beers on tap, and of course the ever popular mixed drink, you find yourself constantly ordering good old PBR! Thank god for the Midwest and their cheap delicious beer. I mean, it didn't win the blue ribbon for nothing. Cost: $2-$3 a can

Passive Aggressive Wife To Begin Referring to Husband as "The Old Bald and Chain."

How does "Sarah Barracuda" stack up against vice presidential nicknames of the past?

A political insider-turned-outsider and the first female governor of Alaska, "Sarah Barracuda," could be a heartbeat away from the presidency, should her 72-year-old running mate win in November.

Here are some other Vice Presidential Nicknames from America’s past:

Elbridge “Pickles” Gerry (1813-1814)

John C. “Dank Nuggets” Calhoun (1829-1832)

Charles “Char-Dog” Fairbanks (1905-1909)

Millard “Old Balls” Fillmore (1849-1850)

Hubert “The Big Green Fucking Machine” Humphrey (1965-1969)

John Nance “Booya” Garner (1933-1941)

William “Crazy Legs” Wheeler (1877-1881)

Adlai E. “He Hate Me” Stevenson (1893-1897)

Spiro “Baron Von Awesome” Agnew (1969-1973)

Dan “Dan” Quayle (1989-1993)

Dick “Just Because I Rock Doesn't Mean I'm Made of Stone” Cheney (2001-2008 )

Phrase of the Month

For the life of me I cannot remember where I heard this, but I remember loving it the first time as much as I do now. Let me introduce you to the phrase of the month, " Fuck scuse me." Such a phrase can be used in such a wide variety of context and situations that everyone should try and integrate it to their everyday life. Here are some examples:

Question 1: "Hey Brandon, do you know where my pen is?"
Response 1: "Fuck scuse me?"

Question 2: " Hey guys, did someone use my towel this morning?"
Response 2: " Fuck scuse me?"

Question 3: " Are you wearing my boxers?"
Response 3: " Fuck scuse me!"

As you can see the possibilities are endless. Feel free to explore the phrase and post your own examples.

Profiles in Democracy: The Undecided Voter

The Undecided Voter is a rare breed of American who, despite more than four presidential debates, over 80 separate televised ads and thousands of articles in the mainstream media, still cannot quite make up his or her mind regarding the presidential candidates of 2008. Undecided Voters are sometimes referred to as “Swing-Voters,” “Centrists,” or “Dumb-Fucks.” Such votes are usually sought after in elections, since they--much to the dismay of people who regularly read newspapers--can play a big role in determining the outcome.

Is McCain “Jesusy” enough? What about Obama’s relationship with Osama Bin Laden? These are the kind of hard-hitting, informed questions the Undecided Voter frequently asks him/herself throughout the election cycle. By forming a perfect amalgam of the two candidate’s worst ideas, the Undecided Voter looks to carry on the proud tradition of effectively retarding the election process for the whole country in 2008.

Common examples of swing voters include “Reagan Democrats,” “Clinton Republicans,” and “Julius 'Dr. J' Erving Libertarians.”

The Undecided Voter at a Glance:

Current Occupation: Youth Minister

Exploring Employment in the Fields of: Buying and flipping real estate, day-trading, applying for government grants and falling for a Nigerian Bank Scam

Self-Described Political Views: Fiscally liberal; socially conservative; pro-life; pro-abortion in the cases of rape, incest and freshman year; anti-globalization; anti-union; pro-science; anti-"evilution"; pro-American Idol; anti-welfare; pro-welfare for white people

Disgusted By: Attack Ads

Makes Final Decision Based on Contents of: Attack Ads

Looked Down Upon At: Dinner Parties

Candidate Breakdown:

McCain
Pros: Looks like my granddad, maverickability
Cons: My granddad molested me

Obama
Pros: Will offer change by the fistful
Cons: First, Middle, Last Name

Latest Bin Laden Video Condemns 'Disaster Movie' as "…just one more reason why we hate you guys."

Osama Bin Laden, accused of being behind a number of atrocities, including the 1998 bombing of two US embassies in East Africa and the attacks on New York and Washington on 11 September 2001, released a video today condemning Jason Friedberg's Disaster Movie.

"This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a "movie" and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film," said Bin Laden in a video that US officials say they believe was shot in Pakistan . "The Infidel will surely pay for this insult."

Also appearing in the video was Saif al-Adel, Bin Laden's security chief.

"I went to a 5:30 p.m. screening. After previews, the movie began some time between 5:44 and 5:47. The closing credits started at 6:47," al-Adel said. "I mean seriously, $10.23 for an hour-long movie? What a freakin rip-off."

The extremist anger comes in large part from fact that the promises of quality, Coen Brothers-style films – made loudly by Western powers at the time of the war against the Taliban regime - are still no more than a pipe dream.

"Disaster Movie is a prime example that capitalism fails to solve any fundamental problems facing the people of the neo-colonial world," said Taliban spokesman Ahmed Shah Masud.

American movies in Afghanistan have been accused of bringing only destruction, poverty and guys getting kicked in the balls using CGI graphics to the war-torn nation.

"Normally, only the Evil Jew can get me this riled up," said Abu Hamza al-Muhajir, successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the militant leader of al-Qaeda. "But this movie was so unbelievably insulting to my intelligence…Allah Be His Name Praised Be He I am so pissed off!"

In a statement released by the White House, President Bush noted that Disaster Movie not only represented "freedom," but that it was a personal favorite in the Bush household. Bush also mentioned that the scene where "Iron Man got kicked in the balls," was "hilarious."

Bin Laden ended the video by asking:

"When will The West stop making these disgraceful movies? When will the lame teens and pre-teens wake up and stop paying to see this crap so they stop making a profit? Anyone could "write" a movie like these guys do. Just watch recent movies, make fun of something by over exaggerating, throw in some fart and boob jokes and there you have it."

No, I'm not going to be your monkey.

What is it about doing stand-up comedy in particular, as opposed to any other art form, that implies it is ok for people to demand that you tell them jokes on the spot anywhere, at any time? I'm not your monkey, people.

If there is any other art form or occupation where it is standard practice to immediately demand a demonstration then please, let me know. Though I'm pretty sure that people don't go up to doctors and say "Hey, you're a doctor? Well check my prostate then," or "Oh wow, your an artist? Then draw me a picture right now," or "Oh, you work in construction? Well then say something racist for me."

Now, before you get all excited, I'm not saying that all contruction workers are racists...though I am saying that all racists are construction workers.

The Real Axe Effect? Letting everyone around you know that you’re a complete douche bag.

Looking for a way to inform everyone in your general vicinity that you are a complete and unadulterated ass-clown? Then why not go out and purchase yourself an econo-size can of Axe Body Spray? Not only will this product send a clear and direct message to every female in your zip code that you are about as charming as a nursing home fire, but it will also let them know how little taste in fragrance you think they have.

Because, lets be serious here, it is nothing more than a well known fact that no substance on earth gets a girl’s vagina wetter than a $3 bottle of spray-on deodorant. Yes, that aerosol blend of cat pee and ground up Maroon-5 albums lets every girl in the bar know that you are a true renaissance man.

“Oh yeah,” your girlfriend moaned seductively. “There’s nothing hotter than a man who, when buying cologne, can put down a $5 bill and have enough left over to pick up the latest copy of Maxim.”

So if you feel compelled to all at once insult a woman’s taste in both smell and men, please, by all means go to town on yourself with that liquid-frat-boy aptly named Axe Body Spray.

I love Braveheart, but...

Let me start off by saying that I love Braveheart. And who doesn't? There was nothing better in the early 90's then the blue face painted, 6 pack dawning, long haired Mel. Though, I have recently watched Braveheart again and noticed something a little odd. In the movie William Wallace is supposed to be around 24/25 give or take. He then falls in love with his childhood crush who is about 21. Am I the only one who thinks Mel clearly looks 40 in this movie? Once I noticed it, I couldn't focus on anything else. I might be way off here though. That damn 6 pack is distracting.

Lice - Still happening huh?

I was recently walking through my favorite Duane Read today when I noticed something a little odd. The shelf right by the check out counter that usually has the fun toys, gum, and the delicious Almond Joy bars was not as it usually is. Instead, it was three mini rows of lice medicine. I know back in the day we used to get checked for lice in school, but I'm pretty sure I never knew anyone who got it. Is the lice scare still out there? Have I been blind to this ever since I left grade school? If not, please bring back my Almond Joy.

Local Bald Man Just Realized that He Subconsciously Drafted an All-Bald Fantasy Football Team

National Academy of Sciences Releases Startling Announcement that All of Pastor John Hagee’s Claims are Scientifically Accurate

In a shocking reversal from accepted scientific knowledge, the National Academy of Sciences, one of the world's most revered scientific bodies, released a statement today announcing that all of pastor John Hagee's claims about the natural world are entirely accurate.

Hagee is the founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, a church with more than 19,000 active members.

“Until now, the National Academy had never seriously investigated any of Pastor Hagee’s assertions,” said Dr. Stephen Hawking, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge. “However, we recently began empirically reviewing his claims one by one and found all of them to be scientifically accurate. Man, talk about your all time backfires."

The National Academy of Sciences has since reversed almost all of their most foundational positions including theories on evolution, the Big Bang and the cause of hurricane Katrina.

“That one really shocked us,” said Professor Edward O. Wilson, Pellegrino University Research Professor in Entomology for the Department of Organismic and Evolutionary Biology at Harvard University. “This whole time we thought that hurricanes were storm systems characterized by a low pressure center and numerous thunderstorms that produce strong winds and flooding rain. But it turns out that Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans as a result of a homosexual parade. I mean that one really blew my fucking mind.”

Other theories posed by Hagee that turned out to be empirically verifiable include that “the average life expectancy for a homosexual in the United States of America is 43 years of age,” that “Charles Darwin is a merchant of the devil,” and that “the rapture will literally take place any minute now.”

“That one was the biggest shocker for me,” said Sir Martin Rees, British Astronomer Royal. “I mean any minute? I gotta start getting my shit together immediately!”

The remainder of the National Academy of Sciences were not available for comment as they were busy getting baptized.

Cockburn? I guess not- tricky Canadians!

I was watching the Olympics last night and probably one of the best events I have ever seen, trampoline. A couple of competitors went by and it was time for the Canadian hopeful Karen Cockburn. As the name appeared I immaturely chuckled to myself and was ready to move on until the announcer pronounced her name. Karen Cockburn was being pronounced as Karen Cobert. Apparently in Canada if you have a hilariously embarrassing last name you can change the way it is said. I get it. Its Canadian and French. But I mean come on. We all know your real name Karen and we all laughed. Also, my friend John Smallballs should probably be taking notes and move to Canada asap.

Ted can't decide if it bothers him that he and that homeless guy over there are eating the same thing for lunch.

Chicago Tribune Columnist Enjoys Vacations, Spending Time with Friends, Crowbarring Race into Every Conversation

Local Chicago Tribune columnist, Dawn Turner Trice, enjoys waking up each morning, sending the kids off to school, eating a hearty-breakfast, and crowbarring race issues into every possible situation.

“My job as a race-issues columnist is a vital one in our race-conscious society,” Trice said. “Whether it’s buying some gum at a convenience store, playing flag-football in the park or even making love to your significant other, race-issues are at the forefront of every American’s mind during every waking hour of the day.”

Trice has been especially active as a result of Senator Barack Obama’s nomination for President of The United States. A few examples of the hard hitting questions on race Trice has recently covered in her column include:

Why are White People So Fascinated by African American Hair?

Is Obama Really A ‘Black Man’ When Some of His DNA Comes From a Caucasian?

What Would Martin Luther King Have Said About The Collapse of Bear Stearns?

“Sometimes, late at night, I worry that I’ve wedged race into every conceivable topic and have nothing left to forcibly and awkwardly inject race-issues into,” Trice said. “But then that Don Imus character says yet another crazy comment and breathes life into my column once more.”

When asked about whether he personally spends time caring about things that Don Imus says, or how Martin Luther King would react to said statements, DePaul film school student Marcel Johnson said: “Um…who’s Don Imus? Sorry I don’t have time to talk, I need to get to class.”

Do more flags mean more fun?

I mean 6 flags is not necessarily a large amount of flags. If it was 300 Flags Great America, then perhaps you could say more flags more fun. But 6? Is there a 3 Flags Great American somewhere now pissed they have to add more flags to keep up with the fun level? I was recently watching tv and sat pleasantly while a commercial for Six Flags Great America was playing. They were doing a good job of convincing me to come and eat $12 dollar funnel cake and ride some coasters when the commercial ended with their tag line, "More Flags More Fun." Hmmm. I'm just saying.

Minorities to become the majority population by 2042

In a new report out today, the U.S. Census Bureau projects the nation will become much more diverse by mid-century, with minorities forecast to become the majority population by 2042.

Experts said the emerging demographic shift will have social, economic and political implications, such as:

-National anthem changed to “Dame Mas Gasolina”

-People will start using the expression “Why that’s as American as baseball and orange chicken.”

-Banana Republic mannequins have on baggy sweat pants and the Reebok’s with the straps

-CNN will debate on whether presidential candidate is “Indian” enough to win

-McDonalds to change motto from “Bad da bap ba ba, I’m lovin’ it” to “Bad da bap ba ba, きゃぽだがじゃ”

-Secretary of State? T-Pain.

-Norbit 2: The Thunder Down Underpants wins 4 academy awards including best picture

-Coors Light declares a fatwa against warm beer

-The 453 white people left in the U.S. will continue calling everyone else “minorities”

24 hour bed store. Why?

I was recently up and out at 4 am. It does not matter why, though it did involve two things legal and three things illegal. Her name was Misty. I was in a cab and I passed by NYC's local bed emporium, Sleepy's. As I rolled past I noticed something a little odd. It was open. Not only was it open, but it boasted a large neon "Open 24 Hours" sign. This brought a variety of thoughts to my head. First being, who the balls is buying a bed past 9 pm. I would think it is safe to say that if you haven't purchased your mattress by midnight, maybe you should just wait till morning. Also, how much would it suck to be homeless and have this store of potential sleep heaven mocking you 24 hours a day. You might as well put a bucket of candy in front of a diabetic. So lets say we relax on the open 24 hours mantra Sleepy's. Besides, how much would it suck to work the 12 am to 7 am shift in a bed store and not be able to sleep.

Riding Bareback: Why Naked Women On Horses Aren't Sexy

The image is as ubiquitous as it is generally accepted: That a naked woman on a horse is somehow sexy. Am I the only man on earth who thinks this is not only non-sexy, but kind of gross? Ever since that goddamn Lady Godiva hoisted her shapely ass onto a stallion and rode around for reasons that remain unclear to me to this day, men have always universally accepted the idea as somehow sexy.

I mean I guess I can understand why. Who wouldn’t wanna make love to a beautiful woman right after she has spent a considerable amount of time on a sweaty, drooling horse that probably just took a huge shit while she was riding it? Oh yeah baby, you take your most enjoyable parts and press them against the hairy, tick-covered back of a wild animal right before we do it. Because everyone knows that horse-piss mixed with straw and barley is pretty much the biggest aphrodisiac known to man.

I mean honestly what’s next? Taking a bath in a tub full of oysters? Straddling a giant ball of blue cheese? Sitting on a drum of nuclear waste?

Perhaps I sound like too much of a “city-boy” when I say this (which in the South can be roughly translated as “Jew”), but I propose we as men ban together and reject the notion that naked girls riding horses are in any way sexy. Who’s with me? Anyone?

Boil Water in 90 seconds... Really?

The new Electrolux's stove claims, "Water can now be boiled in 90 seconds." Hmmm, 90 seconds huh. You are telling me that all of a sudden we have developed a stove that can boil water in 90 seconds instead of the usual 7-10 minutes it takes on a regular stove. Am I the only one who thinks this is the most amazing thing ever? Who invented this? Did some one win the Nobel Prize for this? I mean 90 seconds? I'm not sure why this hasn't been on the cover of every scientific journal for the last year, but this seems like a pretty amazing break through to me. Now if someone could lend me $2500 that would be great. I will let you boil water anytime you want.

Dont Stick Your Finger In It

My office bathroom is quite small and boring. When there are new things added, I take notice. We have recently gotten a new "Fresh Wave Air Neutralizing Crystal" air freshener. It sits right on top of the urinal. Naturally, when you pee a couple times a day you get bored. I decided to see how these "crystals" felt. Well it turns out that these "crystals" are actually little blocks of gel. Gel that sticks to your fingers. Gel that has now stained my finger with the smell of perfume and slime. In conclusion, do not stick your finger in your works crystal looking air freshener. That is all.

Entire City of Chicago Can Sleep Easy Now That White Sox are Back in First Place

The entire city of Chicago blew a collective sigh of relief Tuesday night as the White Sox overpowered the Kansas City Royals and moved back into first place.


“The White Sox are in first place? Oh.” Said Mike Warren, server at Noodles and Co. on Michigan Ave. “I guess what’s-his-name is finally starting to pitch or hit better.”

Javier Vazquez gave the starting rotation a lift and the bullpen a break with eight shutout innings to lead the Sox to a 9-0 victory. Noted Chicago sports columnist Jay Mariotti exclaimed that “It’s about time that El Caballo came through in the clutch for us. Or wait, is that Carlos Lee? I know he’s El-something…El Niño?”

The excitement was particularly hot on the south side, as 4 of the 12 patrons of The White Sock in Bolingbrook noticed the SportsCenter highlights of the game being played on TV. No one in the establishment asked if the volume could be raised.

Vazquez received ample support even without Carlos Quentin, the American League home run leader with 32--though neither player has been asked to do a single local Chicago advertisement.

After hearing the news of The White Sox squeezing their way back into the lead of a heated American League Central race, local bartender Pete Wendsworth said that he would start taking his children to the games “if ballpark wasn’t in such a ridiculously dangerous neighborhood,” then wondered aloud why exactly this town needs two baseball teams anyway.

Since When Did "Dirty Jobs" Just Become "Jobs"?

I was watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe the other day and noticed something mildly alarming: Namely, has anyone noticed that lately, Dirty Jobs has just become Jobs?

In a recent episode, our dear friend, regally balding Mike Rowe, was affably occupying his time scraping paint off of a paint truck. Is this what qualifies as a dirty job nowadays? I feel like this is a pretty standard blue collar gig, not particularly dirty at all. I mean, I’m the least manly person I know who actually has functioning male genitalia and even I’ve done some paint scraping in my day.

The cherry on top of the WTF Sunday was his latest “dirty job”: a package handler who loads boxes into a truck. I mean come on!! What horribly disgusting ordeal will Mike Rowe put himself through next? Claims adjuster? Attorney at law? Perhaps an amateur bird photographer?

The last time I checked, mortician, nursing home orderly and porn fluffer haven’t been featured on the show yet and should come WAY before Mike Rowe finds himself doing work normally associated with high school sophomores and smoking weed in the break room.

If you’re going to call your show “Dirty Jobs” then do some jobs that involve acts so terrifying, so gruesome, that cleaning up the spot I was sitting in while watching the program counts as a dirty job.

Haircut in peace?

So maybe everyone else goes and gets their hair cut at the same place every time they need a trim. You've been friends with your barber since you were 4. You love nothing more than walking in and hanging around at the shop, laughing it up and talking about the good ole days. Great...for you. Am I the only one who hates talking with my barber? Personally, I have been switching up barbers for as long as I can remember. From high school, to college, to present day, there have been quite a few. Every time I go in, one thing stays them same. I dread the awkward and sometimes painful conversations that take place while getting your hair did. Not only is there usually some sort of loud buzzing machine next to your ear, the foreign barber usually has a thick accent which makes any casual conversation an exercise in translation. It ends up being me constantly nodding and smiling, or saying, "what?" while trying to keep my nod steady enough for him to compensate for. I propose we open a barber shop where you can check a "talk" or "no talk" box when you walk in. That way, I can finally get my haircut in peace. Who is with me?!

The World Is At Your Fingertips

"After five years' travel," veteran guidebook writer Geoff Crowther once recalled, "most of us went feral." So did the books they wrote. Jammed into backpacks, ripped into pieces, guidebooks escape into the wild to get lost or abandoned for the next edition. Here are a few classic guidebooks that have stood the test of time:

Traveling Through Europe on Only $4,300 a Day

Seriously, What the Balls Are You Thinking?
A Guide to the Sights and Sounds of Saudi Arabia

Take What You Want, but for God’s Sake Leave the Children
A Guide to the Landscape and Manners of Bogota, Columbia

We Don’t Take Kindly To Your Kind Round’ Here
Offbeat Travels Through America's South

When Life Gives You AIDS, Make Lemonades
Traveling Through Africa by Truck, Bus, Boat and Camel

Getting Stoned In Iran
It Turns Out That Means Something Totally Different Over There

Clogged Highways, Clogged Arteries: A Journey into America’s Heartland

Southeast Asia from A-Z
You’ll Come for the Child Prostitutes, You’ll Stay for the Child Slaves

The Principal Navigations, Voyages and Discoveries of the English Nation, Otherwise Known as the Butt-Fuck of the Natural World