Thursday, August 28, 2008

Latest Bin Laden Video Condemns 'Disaster Movie' as "…just one more reason why we hate you guys."

Osama Bin Laden, accused of being behind a number of atrocities, including the 1998 bombing of two US embassies in East Africa and the attacks on New York and Washington on 11 September 2001, released a video today condemning Jason Friedberg's Disaster Movie.

"This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a "movie" and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film," said Bin Laden in a video that US officials say they believe was shot in Pakistan . "The Infidel will surely pay for this insult."

Also appearing in the video was Saif al-Adel, Bin Laden's security chief.

"I went to a 5:30 p.m. screening. After previews, the movie began some time between 5:44 and 5:47. The closing credits started at 6:47," al-Adel said. "I mean seriously, $10.23 for an hour-long movie? What a freakin rip-off."

The extremist anger comes in large part from fact that the promises of quality, Coen Brothers-style films – made loudly by Western powers at the time of the war against the Taliban regime - are still no more than a pipe dream.

"Disaster Movie is a prime example that capitalism fails to solve any fundamental problems facing the people of the neo-colonial world," said Taliban spokesman Ahmed Shah Masud.

American movies in Afghanistan have been accused of bringing only destruction, poverty and guys getting kicked in the balls using CGI graphics to the war-torn nation.

"Normally, only the Evil Jew can get me this riled up," said Abu Hamza al-Muhajir, successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the militant leader of al-Qaeda. "But this movie was so unbelievably insulting to my intelligence…Allah Be His Name Praised Be He I am so pissed off!"

In a statement released by the White House, President Bush noted that Disaster Movie not only represented "freedom," but that it was a personal favorite in the Bush household. Bush also mentioned that the scene where "Iron Man got kicked in the balls," was "hilarious."

Bin Laden ended the video by asking:

"When will The West stop making these disgraceful movies? When will the lame teens and pre-teens wake up and stop paying to see this crap so they stop making a profit? Anyone could "write" a movie like these guys do. Just watch recent movies, make fun of something by over exaggerating, throw in some fart and boob jokes and there you have it."

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

No, I'm not going to be your monkey.


What is it about doing stand-up comedy in particular, as opposed to any other art form, that implies it is ok for people to demand that you tell them jokes on the spot anywhere, at any time? I'm not your monkey, people.

If there is any other art form or occupation where it is standard practice to immediately demand a demonstration then please, let me know. Though I'm pretty sure that people don't go up to doctors and say "Hey, you're a doctor? Well check my prostate then," or "Oh wow, your an artist? Then draw me a picture right now," or "Oh, you work in construction? Well then say something racist for me."

Now, before you get all excited, I'm not saying that all contruction workers are racists...though I am saying that all racists are construction workers.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The Real Axe Effect? Letting everyone around you know that you’re a complete douche bag.


Looking for a way to inform everyone in your general vicinity that you are a complete and unadulterated ass-clown? Then why not go out and purchase yourself an econo-size can of Axe Body Spray? Not only will this product send a clear and direct message to every female in your zip code that you are about as charming as a nursing home fire, but it will also let them know how little taste in fragrance you think they have.

Because, lets be serious here, it is nothing more than a well known fact that no substance on earth gets a girl’s vagina wetter than a $3 bottle of spray-on deodorant. Yes, that aerosol blend of cat pee and ground up Maroon-5 albums lets every girl in the bar know that you are a true renaissance man.

“Oh yeah,” your girlfriend moaned seductively. “There’s nothing hotter than a man who, when buying cologne, can put down a $5 bill and have enough left over to pick up the latest copy of Maxim.”

So if you feel compelled to all at once insult a woman’s taste in both smell and men, please, by all means go to town on yourself with that liquid-frat-boy aptly named Axe Body Spray.

I love Braveheart, but...


Let me start off by saying that I love Braveheart. And who doesn't? There was nothing better in the early 90's then the blue face painted, 6 pack dawning, long haired Mel. Though, I have recently watched Braveheart again and noticed something a little odd. In the movie William Wallace is supposed to be around 24/25 give or take. He then falls in love with his childhood crush who is about 21. Am I the only one who thinks Mel clearly looks 40 in this movie? Once I noticed it, I couldn't focus on anything else. I might be way off here though. That damn 6 pack is distracting.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Lice - Still happening huh?


I was recently walking through my favorite Duane Read today when I noticed something a little odd. The shelf right by the check out counter that usually has the fun toys, gum, and the delicious Almond Joy bars was not as it usually is. Instead, it was three mini rows of lice medicine. I know back in the day we used to get checked for lice in school, but I'm pretty sure I never knew anyone who got it. Is the lice scare still out there? Have I been blind to this ever since I left grade school? If not, please bring back my Almond Joy.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Local Bald Man Just Realized that He Subconsciously Drafted an All-Bald Fantasy Football Team

National Academy of Sciences Releases Startling Announcement that All of Pastor John Hagee’s Claims are Scientifically Accurate

In a shocking reversal from accepted scientific knowledge, the National Academy of Sciences, one of the world's most revered scientific bodies, released a statement today announcing that all of pastor John Hagee's claims about the natural world are entirely accurate.


Hagee is the founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, a church with more than 19,000 active members.


“Until now, the National Academy had never seriously investigated any of Pastor Hagee’s assertions,” said Dr. Stephen Hawking, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge. “However, we recently began empirically reviewing his claims one by one and found all of them to be scientifically accurate. Man, talk about your all time backfires."


The National Academy of Sciences has since reversed almost all of their most foundational positions including theories on evolution, the Big Bang and the cause of hurricane Katrina.


“That one really shocked us,” said Professor Edward O. Wilson, Pellegrino University Research Professor in Entomology for the Department of Organismic and Evolutionary Biology at Harvard University. “This whole time we thought that hurricanes were storm systems characterized by a low pressure center and numerous thunderstorms that produce strong winds and flooding rain. But it turns out that Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans as a result of a homosexual parade. I mean that one really blew my fucking mind.”


Other theories posed by Hagee that turned out to be empirically verifiable include that “the average life expectancy for a homosexual in the United States of America is 43 years of age,” that “Charles Darwin is a merchant of the devil,” and that “the rapture will literally take place any minute now.”


“That one was the biggest shocker for me,” said Sir Martin Rees, British Astronomer Royal. “I mean any minute? I gotta start getting my shit together immediately!”


The remainder of the National Academy of Sciences were not available for comment as they were busy getting baptized.


Cockburn? I guess not- tricky Canadians!


I was watching the Olympics last night and probably one of the best events I have ever seen, trampoline. A couple of competitors went by and it was time for the Canadian hopeful Karen Cockburn. As the name appeared I immaturely chuckled to myself and was ready to move on until the announcer pronounced her name. Karen Cockburn was being pronounced as Karen Cobert. Apparently in Canada if you have a hilariously embarrassing last name you can change the way it is said. I get it. Its Canadian and French. But I mean come on. We all know your real name Karen and we all laughed. Also, my friend John Smallballs should probably be taking notes and move to Canada asap.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Ted can't decide if it bothers him that he and that homeless guy over there are eating the same thing for lunch.


Chicago Tribune Columnist Enjoys Vacations, Spending Time with Friends, Crowbarring Race into Every Conversation


Local Chicago Tribune columnist, Dawn Turner Trice, enjoys waking up each morning, sending the kids off to school, eating a hearty-breakfast, and crowbarring race issues into every possible situation.

“My job as a race-issues columnist is a vital one in our race-conscious society,” Trice said. “Whether it’s buying some gum at a convenience store, playing flag-football in the park or even making love to your significant other, race-issues are at the forefront of every American’s mind during every waking hour of the day.”

Trice has been especially active as a result of Senator Barack Obama’s nomination for President of The United States. A few examples of the hard hitting questions on race Trice has recently covered in her column include:

Why are White People So Fascinated by African American Hair?

Is Obama Really A ‘Black Man’ When Some of His DNA Comes From a Caucasian?

What Would Martin Luther King Have Said About The Collapse of Bear Stearns?

“Sometimes, late at night, I worry that I’ve wedged race into every conceivable topic and have nothing left to forcibly and awkwardly inject race-issues into,” Trice said. “But then that Don Imus character says yet another crazy comment and breathes life into my column once more.”

When asked about whether he personally spends time caring about things that Don Imus says, or how Martin Luther King would react to said statements, DePaul film school student Marcel Johnson said: “Um…who’s Don Imus? Sorry I don’t have time to talk, I need to get to class.”

Do more flags mean more fun?


I mean 6 flags is not necessarily a large amount of flags. If it was 300 Flags Great America, then perhaps you could say more flags more fun. But 6? Is there a 3 Flags Great American somewhere now pissed they have to add more flags to keep up with the fun level? I was recently watching tv and sat pleasantly while a commercial for Six Flags Great America was playing. They were doing a good job of convincing me to come and eat $12 dollar funnel cake and ride some coasters when the commercial ended with their tag line, "More Flags More Fun." Hmmm. I'm just saying.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Minorities to become the majority population by 2042


In a new report out today, the U.S. Census Bureau projects the nation will become much more diverse by mid-century, with minorities forecast to become the majority population by 2042.


Experts said the emerging demographic shift will have social, economic and political implications, such as:


-National anthem changed to “Dame Mas Gasolina”

-People will start using the expression “Why that’s as American as baseball and orange chicken.”

-Banana Republic mannequins have on baggy sweat pants and the Reebok’s with the straps

-CNN will debate on whether presidential candidate is “Indian” enough to win

-McDonalds to change motto from “Bad da bap ba ba, I’m lovin’ it” to “Bad da bap ba ba, きゃぽだがじゃ”

-Secretary of State? T-Pain.

-Norbit 2: The Thunder Down Underpants wins 4 academy awards including best picture

-Coors Light declares a fatwa against warm beer

-The 453 white people left in the U.S. will continue calling everyone else “minorities”

24 hour bed store. Why?


I was recently up and out at 4 am. It does not matter why, though it did involve two things legal and three things illegal. Her name was Misty. I was in a cab and I passed by NYC's local bed emporium, Sleepy's. As I rolled past I noticed something a little odd. It was open. Not only was it open, but it boasted a large neon "Open 24 Hours" sign. This brought a variety of thoughts to my head. First being, who the balls is buying a bed past 9 pm. I would think it is safe to say that if you haven't purchased your mattress by midnight, maybe you should just wait till morning. Also, how much would it suck to be homeless and have this store of potential sleep heaven mocking you 24 hours a day. You might as well put a bucket of candy in front of a diabetic. So lets say we relax on the open 24 hours mantra Sleepy's. Besides, how much would it suck to work the 12 am to 7 am shift in a bed store and not be able to sleep.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Riding Bareback: Why Naked Women On Horses Aren't Sexy

The image is as ubiquitous as it is generally accepted: That a naked woman on a horse is somehow sexy. Am I the only man on earth who thinks this is not only non-sexy, but kind of gross? Ever since that goddamn Lady Godiva hoisted her shapely ass onto a stallion and rode around for reasons that remain unclear to me to this day, men have always universally accepted the idea as somehow sexy.

I mean I guess I can understand why. Who wouldn’t wanna make love to a beautiful woman right after she has spent a considerable amount of time on a sweaty, drooling horse that probably just took a huge shit while she was riding it? Oh yeah baby, you take your most enjoyable parts and press them against the hairy, tick-covered back of a wild animal right before we do it. Because everyone knows that horse-piss mixed with straw and barley is pretty much the biggest aphrodisiac known to man.

I mean honestly what’s next? Taking a bath in a tub full of oysters? Straddling a giant ball of blue cheese? Sitting on a drum of nuclear waste?

Perhaps I sound like too much of a “city-boy” when I say this (which in the South can be roughly translated as “Jew”), but I propose we as men ban together and reject the notion that naked girls riding horses are in any way sexy. Who’s with me? Anyone?

Boil Water in 90 seconds... Really?



The new Electrolux's stove claims, "Water can now be boiled in 90 seconds." Hmmm, 90 seconds huh. You are telling me that all of a sudden we have developed a stove that can boil water in 90 seconds instead of the usual 7-10 minutes it takes on a regular stove. Am I the only one who thinks this is the most amazing thing ever? Who invented this? Did some one win the Nobel Prize for this? I mean 90 seconds? I'm not sure why this hasn't been on the cover of every scientific journal for the last year, but this seems like a pretty amazing break through to me. Now if someone could lend me $2500 that would be great. I will let you boil water anytime you want.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dont Stick Your Finger In It


My office bathroom is quite small and boring. When there are new things added, I take notice. We have recently gotten a new "Fresh Wave Air Neutralizing Crystal" air freshener. It sits right on top of the urinal. Naturally, when you pee a couple times a day you get bored. I decided to see how these "crystals" felt. Well it turns out that these "crystals" are actually little blocks of gel. Gel that sticks to your fingers. Gel that has now stained my finger with the smell of perfume and slime. In conclusion, do not stick your finger in your works crystal looking air freshener. That is all.

Entire City of Chicago Can Sleep Easy Now That White Sox are Back in First Place


The entire city of Chicago blew a collective sigh of relief Tuesday night as the White Sox overpowered the Kansas City Royals and moved back into first place.


“The White Sox are in first place? Oh.” Said Mike Warren, server at Noodles and Co. on Michigan Ave. “I guess what’s-his-name is finally starting to pitch or hit better.”

Javier Vazquez gave the starting rotation a lift and the bullpen a break with eight shutout innings to lead the Sox to a 9-0 victory. Noted Chicago sports columnist Jay Mariotti exclaimed that “It’s about time that El Caballo came through in the clutch for us. Or wait, is that Carlos Lee? I know he’s El-something…El Niño?”

The excitement was particularly hot on the south side, as 4 of the 12 patrons of The White Sock in Bolingbrook noticed the SportsCenter highlights of the game being played on TV. No one in the establishment asked if the volume could be raised.

Vazquez received ample support even without Carlos Quentin, the American League home run leader with 32--though neither player has been asked to do a single local Chicago advertisement.

After hearing the news of The White Sox squeezing their way back into the lead of a heated American League Central race, local bartender Pete Wendsworth said that he would start taking his children to the games “if ballpark wasn’t in such a ridiculously dangerous neighborhood,” then wondered aloud why exactly this town needs two baseball teams anyway.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Since When Did "Dirty Jobs" Just Become "Jobs"?

I was watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe the other day and noticed something mildly alarming: Namely, has anyone noticed that lately, Dirty Jobs has just become Jobs?

In a recent episode, our dear friend, regally balding Mike Rowe, was affably occupying his time scraping paint off of a paint truck. Is this what qualifies as a dirty job nowadays? I feel like this is a pretty standard blue collar gig, not particularly dirty at all. I mean, I’m the least manly person I know who actually has functioning male genitalia and even I’ve done some paint scraping in my day.

The cherry on top of the WTF Sunday was his latest “dirty job”: a package handler who loads boxes into a truck. I mean come on!! What horribly disgusting ordeal will Mike Rowe put himself through next? Claims adjuster? Attorney at law? Perhaps an amateur bird photographer?

The last time I checked, mortician, nursing home orderly and porn fluffer haven’t been featured on the show yet and should come WAY before Mike Rowe finds himself doing work normally associated with high school sophomores and smoking weed in the break room.

If you’re going to call your show “Dirty Jobs” then do some jobs that involve acts so terrifying, so gruesome, that cleaning up the spot I was sitting in while watching the program counts as a dirty job.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Haircut in peace?


So maybe everyone else goes and gets their hair cut at the same place every time they need a trim. You've been friends with your barber since you were 4. You love nothing more than walking in and hanging around at the shop, laughing it up and talking about the good ole days. Great...for you. Am I the only one who hates talking with my barber? Personally, I have been switching up barbers for as long as I can remember. From high school, to college, to present day, there have been quite a few. Every time I go in, one thing stays them same. I dread the awkward and sometimes painful conversations that take place while getting your hair did. Not only is there usually some sort of loud buzzing machine next to your ear, the foreign barber usually has a thick accent which makes any casual conversation an exercise in translation. It ends up being me constantly nodding and smiling, or saying, "what?" while trying to keep my nod steady enough for him to compensate for. I propose we open a barber shop where you can check a "talk" or "no talk" box when you walk in. That way, I can finally get my haircut in peace. Who is with me?!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The World Is At Your Fingertips








"After five years' travel," veteran guidebook writer Geoff Crowther once recalled, "most of us went feral." So did the books they wrote. Jammed into backpacks, ripped into pieces, guidebooks escape into the wild to get lost or abandoned for the next edition. Here are a few classic guidebooks that have stood the test of time:

Traveling Through Europe on Only $4,300 a Day

Seriously, What the Balls Are You Thinking?
A Guide to the Sights and Sounds of Saudi Arabia

Take What You Want, but for God’s Sake Leave the Children
A Guide to the Landscape and Manners of Bogota, Columbia

We Don’t Take Kindly To Your Kind Round’ Here
Offbeat Travels Through America's South

When Life Gives You AIDS, Make Lemonades
Traveling Through Africa by Truck, Bus, Boat and Camel

Getting Stoned In Iran
It Turns Out That Means Something Totally Different Over There

Clogged Highways, Clogged Arteries: A Journey into America’s Heartland

Southeast Asia from A-Z
You’ll Come for the Child Prostitutes, You’ll Stay for the Child Slaves

The Principal Navigations, Voyages and Discoveries of the English Nation, Otherwise Known as the Butt-Fuck of the Natural World

Do yoga? Lie about it.



Yes, I dabble in yoga. Am I proud of it? Not necessarily. But the fact is, it's close to my apt, it's a good work out, it's basically free, and there is hot NYU ass all over the place. It is something I don't hide, but don't really discuss too often, especially with co-workers. Then it happened, I was walking to yoga and of course, I passed one of my good guy friends from work. We engaged in a standard stop n' chat convo. I knew it was a matter of seconds before he asked me what I was doing. With out fail, he asked. I, being the quick thinker I am, responded by saying, "Just going to work out." He responded with "Uh, yoga?" Forgetting that my yoga mat was sticking 2 feet out of my back pack, I proceeded to tell a minor manly fib and all would be fine. I denied the yoga, and was once again called out. I causally and uncomfortably laughed realizing my fault and admitted to my stretching and spirit calming work out to ensue. Moral of the story you ask? If you are ever going to do a slightly embarrassing work out, make sure all equipment and evidence is fully hidden in a bag before you lie about it.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Subtly Undermining Relationships Key to Hooking Up With Co-Workers

We’ve all been there--the freakishly hot girl in the cube next to you, who has now come to trust you as a friend who she can “totally say anything to.” Since the two of you spend an inordinate amount of time together, and she has an ass you would enjoy putting your face into for periods lasting up to three hours, it is not only normal, but quite common, for you to want to make a move at some point (and by “at some point” I mean during every waking hour including while you guys were watching the nail-pulling scene in Syriana).

Alas, there lies but one obstacle on your way to glory: the well-rounded, affable boyfriend. Under almost any other circumstance (and lighting, for that matter) you are about as well equipped to win this one as (insert simile pairing George W. Bush and a situation requiring him not to be a fucking idiot). However, you have one solid advantage to your credit: namely, the sheer amount of time you are together with your shapely co-worker. So, my friend, what you are going to do is use that time to your advantage and subtly undermine that hapless boyfriend every chance you get. Now, you can’t be too obvious, otherwise you will risk tipping your hand. The key here is to be as subtle and delicate as possible while at the same time taking a huge shit in the flower-bed of their relationship. Now, you may be thinking to yourself: “Hey, wait a second here, my potential rival is not really a bad guy and deserves his hot girlfriend/my co-worker. Who am I to sabotage someone’s actual life?” The only answer I can give is that if you are thinking that to yourself, you’re probably gay and have a whole new set of problems to worry about (how to tell your parents, having to move to Wrigleyville, etc).

Ok, so now that we’ve all decided to move forward with this, here are some of the various techniques that are commonly used when trying to commit a terrorist attack on another man’s life:

The Bullshit Statistic: A well placed, made-up statistic is a perfect way to create some separation. Because hey, who can argue with science?
Her: My boyfriend will have to travel a lot for his job once he gets promoted.
You: I heard that 40% of relationships end in divorce once one of the people starts traveling for work.

The Unintended Irony: This is one of the premier dick-moves available on the relationship sabotaging market. You can say something totally inappropriate by giving a misguided compliment.
Her: Here’s a pic of me and the bf on vacation.
You: Oh my god check out the shirt he’s wearing!! Hilarious!! Your bf must have such a good sense of humor!

The Anecdote: To a man, anecdotal evidence is a garbage way to make a point, but to a girl, it might as well have been rigorously peer-reviewed and then calibrated by English scientists.
Her: I found porn in my boyfriend’s computer.
You: We found porn on one of my friend’s computers and he turned out to be a sex-addict.

The Tangling Alliance
: Much like during The Great War, you must align yourself with her on every argument, no matter how retarded it is.

Her: Me and my boyfriend got into an argument because I said that There Will Be Blood was stupid and boring.
You: I would never see a gay movie like that in the first place.

Pure Desperation: ‘Nuff Said.
Her: Hey, whats up?
You: I saw your boyfriend fucking some girl in the bathroom stall at Sheffield’s.

By employing any combination of these finely tuned techniques, you should be well on your way to manipulating two people’s lives like Gappetto on 5-hour Energy Drink and crystal meth.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

Red Cross investigators concluded last year in a secret report that the Central Intelligence Agency’s interrogation methods for high-level Al-Qaeda prisoners constituted torture. While the major methods of torture have been well documented, The Red Cross also released a list of the “lesser known” methods of torture that the CIA experimented with in the aftermath of 9/11. These methods included:

-Being locked in a room with someone who’s favorite movie is Gladiator for up to 30 minutes.

-Playing the terrorists in NHL ’97 and using the trick where if you skate across the red line while shooting you score every time.

-Having to show up at the Abu Ghraib Usual Suspects theme party dressed as Kevin Pollack.

-Allowed to start own fantasy football league but then forced to pick Mark Brunell #1 overall.

-Tea-Bagging

-Made to look into the camera and say that the Koran is pretty good, but Katy Perry is out of this world.

-Having to sit through the World Famous Tommy Bartlett Water Show only to leave right before the grand finale.

-Get to see the new Batman movie except Heath Ledger is digitally replaced with Jeff Goldbloom.

-Two Terrorists, One Cup

Zagat...fail


At one point, having a Zagat plaque in your restaurant window stood for excellence. It was a badge of culinary honor, and was certainly noticed and respected by customers. Well, it seems that Zagat has gotten a little trigger happy if you will. I was walking down the street the other day in NYC and noticed that almost every single restaurant we passed had a Zagat plaque. I mean come on, Ray's Falafel? Its good, but gold plaque good? I don't think so Zagat. Lets try and pull back on the " everyone gets a turn" motto and get back to business.


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