Entire City of Chicago Can Sleep Easy Now That White Sox are Back in First Place

The entire city of Chicago blew a collective sigh of relief Tuesday night as the White Sox overpowered the Kansas City Royals and moved back into first place.


“The White Sox are in first place? Oh.” Said Mike Warren, server at Noodles and Co. on Michigan Ave. “I guess what’s-his-name is finally starting to pitch or hit better.”

Javier Vazquez gave the starting rotation a lift and the bullpen a break with eight shutout innings to lead the Sox to a 9-0 victory. Noted Chicago sports columnist Jay Mariotti exclaimed that “It’s about time that El Caballo came through in the clutch for us. Or wait, is that Carlos Lee? I know he’s El-something…El Niño?”

The excitement was particularly hot on the south side, as 4 of the 12 patrons of The White Sock in Bolingbrook noticed the SportsCenter highlights of the game being played on TV. No one in the establishment asked if the volume could be raised.

Vazquez received ample support even without Carlos Quentin, the American League home run leader with 32--though neither player has been asked to do a single local Chicago advertisement.

After hearing the news of The White Sox squeezing their way back into the lead of a heated American League Central race, local bartender Pete Wendsworth said that he would start taking his children to the games “if ballpark wasn’t in such a ridiculously dangerous neighborhood,” then wondered aloud why exactly this town needs two baseball teams anyway.