National Academy of Sciences Releases Startling Announcement that All of Pastor John Hagee’s Claims are Scientifically Accurate

In a shocking reversal from accepted scientific knowledge, the National Academy of Sciences, one of the world's most revered scientific bodies, released a statement today announcing that all of pastor John Hagee's claims about the natural world are entirely accurate.

Hagee is the founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, a church with more than 19,000 active members.

“Until now, the National Academy had never seriously investigated any of Pastor Hagee’s assertions,” said Dr. Stephen Hawking, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge. “However, we recently began empirically reviewing his claims one by one and found all of them to be scientifically accurate. Man, talk about your all time backfires."

The National Academy of Sciences has since reversed almost all of their most foundational positions including theories on evolution, the Big Bang and the cause of hurricane Katrina.

“That one really shocked us,” said Professor Edward O. Wilson, Pellegrino University Research Professor in Entomology for the Department of Organismic and Evolutionary Biology at Harvard University. “This whole time we thought that hurricanes were storm systems characterized by a low pressure center and numerous thunderstorms that produce strong winds and flooding rain. But it turns out that Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans as a result of a homosexual parade. I mean that one really blew my fucking mind.”

Other theories posed by Hagee that turned out to be empirically verifiable include that “the average life expectancy for a homosexual in the United States of America is 43 years of age,” that “Charles Darwin is a merchant of the devil,” and that “the rapture will literally take place any minute now.”

“That one was the biggest shocker for me,” said Sir Martin Rees, British Astronomer Royal. “I mean any minute? I gotta start getting my shit together immediately!”

The remainder of the National Academy of Sciences were not available for comment as they were busy getting baptized.