Subtly Undermining Relationships Key to Hooking Up With Co-Workers

We’ve all been there--the freakishly hot girl in the cube next to you, who has now come to trust you as a friend who she can “totally say anything to.” Since the two of you spend an inordinate amount of time together, and she has an ass you would enjoy putting your face into for periods lasting up to three hours, it is not only normal, but quite common, for you to want to make a move at some point (and by “at some point” I mean during every waking hour including while you guys were watching the nail-pulling scene in Syriana).

Alas, there lies but one obstacle on your way to glory: the well-rounded, affable boyfriend. Under almost any other circumstance (and lighting, for that matter) you are about as well equipped to win this one as (insert simile pairing George W. Bush and a situation requiring him not to be a fucking idiot). However, you have one solid advantage to your credit: namely, the sheer amount of time you are together with your shapely co-worker. So, my friend, what you are going to do is use that time to your advantage and subtly undermine that hapless boyfriend every chance you get. Now, you can’t be too obvious, otherwise you will risk tipping your hand. The key here is to be as subtle and delicate as possible while at the same time taking a huge shit in the flower-bed of their relationship. Now, you may be thinking to yourself: “Hey, wait a second here, my potential rival is not really a bad guy and deserves his hot girlfriend/my co-worker. Who am I to sabotage someone’s actual life?” The only answer I can give is that if you are thinking that to yourself, you’re probably gay and have a whole new set of problems to worry about (how to tell your parents, having to move to Wrigleyville, etc).

Ok, so now that we’ve all decided to move forward with this, here are some of the various techniques that are commonly used when trying to commit a terrorist attack on another man’s life:

The Bullshit Statistic: A well placed, made-up statistic is a perfect way to create some separation. Because hey, who can argue with science?
Her: My boyfriend will have to travel a lot for his job once he gets promoted.
You: I heard that 40% of relationships end in divorce once one of the people starts traveling for work.

The Unintended Irony: This is one of the premier dick-moves available on the relationship sabotaging market. You can say something totally inappropriate by giving a misguided compliment.
Her: Here’s a pic of me and the bf on vacation.
You: Oh my god check out the shirt he’s wearing!! Hilarious!! Your bf must have such a good sense of humor!

The Anecdote: To a man, anecdotal evidence is a garbage way to make a point, but to a girl, it might as well have been rigorously peer-reviewed and then calibrated by English scientists.
Her: I found porn in my boyfriend’s computer.
You: We found porn on one of my friend’s computers and he turned out to be a sex-addict.

The Tangling Alliance: Much like during The Great War, you must align yourself with her on every argument, no matter how retarded it is.
Her: Me and my boyfriend got into an argument because I said that There Will Be Blood was stupid and boring.
You: I would never see a gay movie like that in the first place.

Pure Desperation: ‘Nuff Said.
Her: Hey, whats up?
You: I saw your boyfriend fucking some girl in the bathroom stall at Sheffield’s.

By employing any combination of these finely tuned techniques, you should be well on your way to manipulating two people’s lives like Gappetto on 5-hour Energy Drink and crystal meth.