Coach Jim Tressel To Team: "The Nightmare's Finally Over, We Can All Go Back To Beating The Shit Out Of Big Ten Teams Now."

Ask A Forefather: What do you make of the recent financial crisis?

George Washington

"Arbitrary power is the most easily established on the ruins of liberty abused to licentiousness."

John Adams

"There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty."

James Madison

"A sincere and steadfast co-operation in promoting such a reconstruction of our political system as would provide for the permanent liberty and happiness of the United States."

Thomas Jefferson

"Fuck the financial crisis, where da black bitches at?"

CNN: Your First Stop for Tabloid Journalism

While the average consumer of internet media has delivered a record number of clicks to sites like CNN.com, the rest of us have noticed a startling trend toward tabloid journalism from the traditional "big names." Here are a few of the latest "breaking" news stories featured on CNN.com from around the world.

"Local Cat Adopts Abandoned Baby Boy"

"Pastor Electrocuted While Judging Youth Chili Cook-Off"

"How Hot is it in Tempe, Arizona? Hot Enough for Murder"

"Rapist Fights Off Burgler"

"In Space, They Don't Have Rocktober"

"Somewhere, Right Now, A White Girl Is Probably Being Kidnapped"

"Baby Pandas! Baby Pandas! Baby Pandas!"

"Child Porn: Is It Making Our Kids Unsafe?"

"Kids Born On 9/11 Have Birthday Ruined...Again"

"The Secret's Out: George Clooney Loves Hot Dogs"

"Which World Leader Has The Most FUPA?"

Post Secret Rejects

Frank Warren, the artist and founder of the PostSecret project collects secrets anonymously and shares them in books and online.

Warren says he receives about a quarter million secrets, roughly 1,000 a week. He's shared them in four New York Times best-selling books, two traveling exhibits and at www.postsecret.com, a site that gets about a million hits a week.

For the first time ever, Frank has released some of the secrets that weren’t good enough to make it on the site:

And Now For Something Completely Unpopular...

Entourage is an escapist fantasy that belongs on "The CW." And an unfunny one at that.

"Did you see the last Entourage?"

I discovered the other day that I'm the only person on earth who thinks that the show Entourage is terrible. It's weird, frankly, to discover yourself on a veritable island of personal taste--a bastion of negativity surrounded by a raging party of people delighting in a show so escapist, it makes Mormonism seem grounded. How did this show (that should be entitled "Hey, look how much fun it must be to be rich!") become more popular than pussy, golden retreivers and Facebook all put together?

Because honestly, if you actually broke down the show piece-by-piece, I would estimate that there's about 12 minutes of actual dialogue in the entire program. And what little, always unfunny dialogue does occur, is simply used to set up the next music montage of hot girls and jet-skis. The show is a 45 minute long rap video with white people.

Are we that desperate as a society? Look, I would love to get bottle service while two girls take turns blowing me, too. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and live vicariously through a bunch of bland, fame-whores making averagely witty remarks to each other followed by the fourth music montage of the hour featuring a really cool pool party.

Since Entourage is such an international hit, I have my own idea for a show: It's starring Patrick Dempsey as a a playboy millionaire who solves mysteries with his small, Jewish, comic-relief friend and about 400 aspiring models. The show will be called Cold Hard Cash, with Dempsey playing the main character, Rick Cash. Each episode will consist of a 22 minute, slow-motion, music packed shot of Dempsey getting road-head from a model in his green Enzo as he cruises LA. Then, for the obligatory unbridled hilarity, his less-attractive Jewish friend in the back seat will say "Hey Rick, I thought we were DOING blow in your car, not GETTING blown!" Ha!! And then Rick will look up directions to the next destination on his MacBook Pro with the apple logo facing the camera.

End Scene. I think we've got a hit on our hands.

5 Money Saving Tips to Live in NYC

Any one who lives in NYC knows it is expensive. The problem with this is that it has killed my dream of how sweet I thought life would be with a steady income. Sadly, most of that income is spent on just living! Here are the top 5 tips and realizations to survive in NYC:

5- Toilet paper= expensive. Go ahead and just grab some toilet paper from your place of work and or a horrible dive bar. Not only is it usually half a roll, but shitty quality as well- Cost: Free!

4- Realizing that eating Ramen in college was not only filling, but economical and you have now stocked your apt with Cup-O-Noodles. Cost: $2 for 3 cups

3- While paying $90 a month seems fantastic to join a gym, f-that, you find the combo of eating your salted noodle soup and taking out the garbage from your 5 story walk up keeps you in shape: Cost: Free!

2- Birthdays and special events are always hard to get around. Presents for friends and family members are just expected in a lot of cases. Solution? Office supplies. Outfitting your Mom's stocking with pencils and your co-workers business cards will warm the heart. Trust me. A mothers love is a beautiful thing. She will understand. Cost: Free, unless you get fired.

1- When going out to beer gardens, bars with a 100 beers on tap, and of course the ever popular mixed drink, you find yourself constantly ordering good old PBR! Thank god for the Midwest and their cheap delicious beer. I mean, it didn't win the blue ribbon for nothing. Cost: $2-$3 a can

Passive Aggressive Wife To Begin Referring to Husband as "The Old Bald and Chain."

How does "Sarah Barracuda" stack up against vice presidential nicknames of the past?

A political insider-turned-outsider and the first female governor of Alaska, "Sarah Barracuda," could be a heartbeat away from the presidency, should her 72-year-old running mate win in November.

Here are some other Vice Presidential Nicknames from America’s past:

Elbridge “Pickles” Gerry (1813-1814)

John C. “Dank Nuggets” Calhoun (1829-1832)

Charles “Char-Dog” Fairbanks (1905-1909)

Millard “Old Balls” Fillmore (1849-1850)

Hubert “The Big Green Fucking Machine” Humphrey (1965-1969)

John Nance “Booya” Garner (1933-1941)

William “Crazy Legs” Wheeler (1877-1881)

Adlai E. “He Hate Me” Stevenson (1893-1897)

Spiro “Baron Von Awesome” Agnew (1969-1973)

Dan “Dan” Quayle (1989-1993)

Dick “Just Because I Rock Doesn't Mean I'm Made of Stone” Cheney (2001-2008 )

Phrase of the Month

For the life of me I cannot remember where I heard this, but I remember loving it the first time as much as I do now. Let me introduce you to the phrase of the month, " Fuck scuse me." Such a phrase can be used in such a wide variety of context and situations that everyone should try and integrate it to their everyday life. Here are some examples:

Question 1: "Hey Brandon, do you know where my pen is?"
Response 1: "Fuck scuse me?"

Question 2: " Hey guys, did someone use my towel this morning?"
Response 2: " Fuck scuse me?"

Question 3: " Are you wearing my boxers?"
Response 3: " Fuck scuse me!"

As you can see the possibilities are endless. Feel free to explore the phrase and post your own examples.

Profiles in Democracy: The Undecided Voter

The Undecided Voter is a rare breed of American who, despite more than four presidential debates, over 80 separate televised ads and thousands of articles in the mainstream media, still cannot quite make up his or her mind regarding the presidential candidates of 2008. Undecided Voters are sometimes referred to as “Swing-Voters,” “Centrists,” or “Dumb-Fucks.” Such votes are usually sought after in elections, since they--much to the dismay of people who regularly read newspapers--can play a big role in determining the outcome.

Is McCain “Jesusy” enough? What about Obama’s relationship with Osama Bin Laden? These are the kind of hard-hitting, informed questions the Undecided Voter frequently asks him/herself throughout the election cycle. By forming a perfect amalgam of the two candidate’s worst ideas, the Undecided Voter looks to carry on the proud tradition of effectively retarding the election process for the whole country in 2008.

Common examples of swing voters include “Reagan Democrats,” “Clinton Republicans,” and “Julius 'Dr. J' Erving Libertarians.”

The Undecided Voter at a Glance:

Current Occupation: Youth Minister

Exploring Employment in the Fields of: Buying and flipping real estate, day-trading, applying for government grants and falling for a Nigerian Bank Scam

Self-Described Political Views: Fiscally liberal; socially conservative; pro-life; pro-abortion in the cases of rape, incest and freshman year; anti-globalization; anti-union; pro-science; anti-"evilution"; pro-American Idol; anti-welfare; pro-welfare for white people

Disgusted By: Attack Ads

Makes Final Decision Based on Contents of: Attack Ads

Looked Down Upon At: Dinner Parties

Candidate Breakdown:

McCain
Pros: Looks like my granddad, maverickability
Cons: My granddad molested me

Obama
Pros: Will offer change by the fistful
Cons: First, Middle, Last Name