Paul Shaffer Haunts my Dreams

Being a fan of David Letterman doesn't come without a price. While I do love his dry humor, politically driven monologues, and timeless style, the show has one flawed set back: Paul "I will eat your children" Shaffer. Am I the only one creeped out by this dude? Not only does he look like a combo of Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Matt Hasselback,but he is also constantly yelling into his mic. Could we get that thing turned off for the love of god. We know when Letterman is funny. We don't need Paul coughing laughs into the mic and therefore causing shivers to run down my spine on a nightly basis. Sure, he is a talented musician and we can't take that away, but we can certainly monitor his odd style and involvement in the show so that he doesn't remind everyone of the creepy uncle who gives you gum for your birthday.

Worst Costume Ever?

It has been a little bit since I have posted, but I must say this got me all worked up. I was cruising some websites trying to find a sweet Halloween costume for my 4 yr old nephew when I stumbled across this gem. http://www.buycostumes.com/Safety-Cone-Child-Costume/32956/ProductDetail.aspx.

Are you seriously telling them they are selling this at all and to top it off for $40? There is some poor child out there who is sitting inside his cone costume while the other kids in their Spider Man and Batman costumes are getting all the candy. Someone please help this poor child out of the cone costume and into some therapy.

Report: Violence Remains Sole Acceptable Expression of Emotion for Heterosexuals

From right to left: Phil Barnes congratulates Jerry Liu on the birth of his son. 

Generation XXX

In his new book, "The Porning of America," Kevin Scott claims that as many as 85 percent of teens aged 13 to 14 have accessed sexually explicit content at least once.  

Here are some of the more surprising ways that teenagers are exposed to sexual materials on a daily basis:

-Flintstones Birth Control Pills

-Marc Jacobs announces that for fall 2008: "booty shorts are the new black"

-Nintendo Wii are going to have sex right now

-If you actually look closely at the box, Count Chocula has an erection

-Unlike previous generations, today's children are born with a bizarre brain malfunction in which they are not cripplingly ashamed of the human body

-2009 Toyota Camry has up to five lube holders 

-Today's teens know that there ever comes a day when they don't have constant access to large, glistening breasts, the terrorists have truly won

-Somehow, according to Title 9, handjobs are an official ISHA sport  

-Young people of today might be even more promiscuous if it weren't for the principled, righteous examples set by Bill Clinton, Gary Hart, James McGreevey, Gary Condit, Mark Foley, Bob Livingston, Jim West, Larry Craig, Ted Kennedy, Elliot Spitzer, Clarence Thomas, Rudy Giuliani, Barny Frank, Kwame Kilpatrick, Newt Gingrich, Bob Allen, Fred Richmond and Jack Ryan 

Outraged Over Playoff Sweep, Cubs Fans Demonstrate Anger By Selling Out Home Games Through 2015

Held in Relationship for Eight Years, Local Man No Longer Able to Survive in Wild

Chicago, IL - Wildlife officials Tuesday said that a local man, age 28, was released into the wild after almost eight years in relationship.  Experts fear that without food, water and regular sexual activity, he may not be able to survive the harsh Chicago winters that will soon sweep the area.  

After some prodding the adult male, named John Weisberg, lumbered down N. Clark Street and into a 7/11 that contained Beef Jerky and Coors Light, the human male's primary diet in the wild.  He carries with him the hopes for the survival of the species.  

Dr. Zhang Hemin, Director of the Single Male Research Center at Ball State University said Weisberg's long term outlook might still be positive.

"After eight years, his ability to go into the wild is surprisingly good," said Dr. Hemin.  "He has adjusted to single-life more rapidly than expected, and the copious pity-sex available to him may be enough to sustain Mr. Weisberg in the short term."

Though, according to his childhood friend Bill Masterson, Weisberg's long term ability to thrive in the natural environment is still very much in doubt.  

"The dude literally has lost all ability to talk to women since he started dating Sheela," said Masterson."  Seriously, John wouldn't know what to do with new pussy if it literally sat on his face."  

Masterson continued:  "Like the other night we were at the bar and this girl asked him to buy her a drink.  Sounds promising right?  Well Johnny Smooth looks right at her and replies: 'Aaalllrighty then.'  Alrighty then?  An Ace Ventura reference?  In 2008? You've got to be fucking kidding me."  

For the time being, wildlife officials have fitted Weisberg with a GPS collar, to track his movements throughout the city's Northside.  The success or failure of the experiment will have implications for the reintroduction of single males around the world.  

As for Weisberg, only time will tell whether he will be able to adjust to his new environment, avoid starvation and reproduce in this often inhospitable urban savanna.  

Report: Financial Downturn Not Affecting Chronic Masterbaters

According to Chicago, IL resident Jim Lovett, plans to vigorously stimulate his own genitals to orgasm are still on course despite the global credit crunch. 

Lovett is representative of a major trend in the U.S. released in a report by the FED on Wednesday.

"There is no prospect of masterbating as a whole being mothballed by the current financial difficulties in the country," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson.  

Further, while wholesale trade was brisk, public sector job gains in both the tissue and internet service provider industries suggest solid growth in the masterbating sector of the economy.  

But don't take that "as a sign of what lies over the balance of the quarter," Paulson warned, noting that consumer retail hand lotion sales were flat, an indication that domestic demand in masterbation may be faltering slightly.  "Job loss and economic depression over the long term may negatively effect the average consumer's willingness to 'release the doves' on a regular basis."

For the time being, regular masterbaters like Mr. Lovett will continue to spend time in unlit basements for hours on end--even at the expense of human relationships--despite what could end up being an inhospitable economic climate for auto-eroticism.  

Classical economists have recently noted that John Maynard Keynes predicted much of this behavior in his 1936: "The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Firing the Flesh Musket."