Thursday, July 31, 2008

New Marijuana Bill

Rep. Barney Frank introduced a House bill Wednesday that would end federal penalties for Americans carrying fewer than 100 grams, or about a quarter-pound, of marijuana.

Lets go to our man on the street with comments from the general public:


“This measure will only inflame my crippling addiction to masturbating.” Jim Johansen, Firefighter


“As a Christian, I must say that this bill will make the 700 Club not only more enjoyable, but actually make Pat Robertson’s statements seem almost plausible.” Friedrich Von Meisner, CFA


“Unleashing a non-addictive, mild hallucinogen right here in America? But what about the children? For God’s sake, someone think of the children!” Susie Orlofsky, Homemaker


“That’s weird, cause' up until this point the only thing I thought Barney Frank smoked was pole.” Michael Yu, Student

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Just a bit less cologne please...


Sure, everyone was rocking the Cool Water and Polo Sport back in the day. Cologne used to be one of those things you wore for the ladies and wore to impress. Personally, I was a fan of the three pumps in the air, followed by the walk through the mist move. Ahh those were the days. Recently though, I have noticed a hatred towards cologne wearers, and I have found myself hopping on board the hate train ( yes I said hate train). The moment someone walks past me and my nose is filled with the intense smell of whatever the choice of the day is, I find myself wanting to maybe hand you a wet nap. I mean, can you not smell how much you have on? You cologne wearers took something fantastic and now you are ruining my train ride. If you need that much cologne, I would suggest rocking another shower and maybe just the good ole single spray.

Urlacher Leads Team In "Je Ne Sais Quoi"

Brian Urlacher agreed to a one-year contract extension with the Chicago Bears that would keep the six-time Pro Bowl linebacker with the National Football League team through 2012.

“We would never miss an opportunity to make this versatile, knowledgeable and white player a part of our team for many years to come,” said Jerry Angelo, general manager for the NFL's Chicago Bears franchise. “The rumors about Brian having a bad back are completely untrue. This year he’ll be back to his old self—making tackles and being Caucasian.”

Urlacher, 30, led the Bears with 158 tackles last season, with almost three of those tackles made without the help of African-American linebacker, Lance Briggs. Coach Lovie Smith said Urlacher was "healthy, 100 percent'' after off-season neck surgery. “And by 100 percent I mean 100 percent white.”

Urlacher, who leads the team in salary, endorsements and publicity, attributes his success to what he calls “a certain something.” “I mean yeah I’ve suffered from a bad back and average play in the past, but who is Gatorade gonna market in Chicago, Tommy Harris? I think not.”

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Superman...Kind of a Dick?

I think that Superman, when you really think about it, is kind of an asshole. I realize this may seem rather harsh at first until you take a moment to really think about what a myopic, selfish person he really is. The reason I make this contentious statement is that Superman, the most powerful person in the world--neigh, the universe--pretty much only uses his powers to save the city of Metropolis from a series of misdemeanor crimes. I mean his battles with Lex Luthor aside, what's a typical day in the life of Superman like? Stopping a mugging here, saving a baby from a fire there...these are small potatoes!! What an unbelievably narrow minded, astigmatic way to go about saving the world.

In fact, it always boggles my mind that when he saves people from getting mugged they don't just turn to him and say: "Um...wow Superman, thanks for breaking up that horrible mugging. If it weren't for you I might have lost up to 26 dollars there. You're probably right, fuck all of the people being slaughtered in Darfur, as long as I don't have to renew my drivers license the world is a better place." "Phew!! Superman, how can we ever repay you for stopping that bank robbery? Never mind all of the people you just let die in that tsunami in Malaysia, make sure you spend all of your time stopping crimes that are federally insured by the FDIC, so that when they happen nobody really loses any money. Oh yeah and by the way, doesn’t the FBI solve like 90% of bank robberies anyway?"

Seriously, is this the kind of superhero we want our kids to look up to? Hey Superman, I have this crazy idea, why don't you go ahead and leave Mr. Whiskers in the fucking tree, pull your head out of your own ass for one second, and do something about the energy crisis.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Faithbook


There's a new faith-based social networking site called Faithbook, and it must be really hard to explain if you have a lisp.

No spooning Tom Hanks?


So I just watched the movie BIG this weekend. It's a fantastic movie, but there is something just doesn't sit well with me. Tom Hanks' character, Josh, is supposed to be 12 or 13, right? He gets this hottie older woman in his apt for a sleep over and he doesn't even try to make a move? I mean, I know he is young, but around 13, the pubescent mind of a kid is dangerous. He just hops onto the top bunk, gives her a glow in the dark ring, and hits they hay. I'm not saying I would have gone for gold, but come on...a little spooning would have gone a long way back in Jr. High.

Do What Tastes Right


I went to Wendy’s for lunch yesterday…and by the way, one sure-fire way you can tell that you’ve made all the right choices in life is if you’re entering a Wendy’s while the sun is still out--a time usually associated with consuming nutrition to help your body function as intended. Anyway, I’m sitting there, looking up at the menu, thinking about which masochistic choice I’m going to make when I saw, in all it’s glory, the Wendy’s motto: “Wendy’s: Do What Tastes Right.” Do what tastes right…is that not literally the worst dietary advice you could give to another human being? I mean seriously why don’t they go ahead and just change their motto to “Wendy’s: Ah, Fuck It.” Thank God whoever wrote that awful ad-copy didn’t decide to go into Sex Ed. “You know what kids, my advice to you is to just go ahead and do what feels right.”

Friday, July 25, 2008

Leave the Spicy Chicken Sandwhiches!


So maybe it's just my place of employment, but people at my office perform what I consider one of the weirdest workplace maneuvers I have seen: co-workers tend to order lunch or go pick it up. Standard. What happens next is still a mystery to me. If they do not want a part of their lunch, whether it is a small soup or salad, from sushi to fries from Wendy's, or even whole sandwiches they couldn't finish, they leave the food out on a table in our break room. This is to show, "Hey, fair game for anyone who wants it," and people take them! There was a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's sitting on the table all day until someone said, "Whoa, is that sandwich up for grabs?" I let them know it was there all day, but alas they snatched it up as if it was the key to Fort Knox. Listen, I love free stuff more than anyone I know (see me wearing a free Diet Pepsi necklace from the 2007 gay pride parade), but for some reason, I can't come to grips with this. It's not even in the fridge. Anyway, if you would like free spicy chicken sandwiches twice a month, come and camp out in my break room.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Please Stop Bringing Mikes Hard Lemonade as Party Favors


So here in NYC, when you go to someone's house for some drinks, or even a party, everyone tends to bring a six pack of beer, throw it in the fridge, and share. It usually works out great. 6-10 people provide 36-60 communal beers. It's perfect for some pre-drinking or a friendly get together. Well I have news for you, not everyone brings beer. There have now been 2 separate occasions in the last month where someone had the balls to bring a 40 of Mike's Hard Lemonade and put it in the fridge. I mean come on. What goes through your head in the liquor store? Do you honestly look at the Mike's and proclaim, "perfect! I'll be the hit of the party."... Just selfish.

The High Five is Not Dead


I know what you're thinking.. I just graduated college and I have to leave so many great things behind...copious amounts of free time, flip cup with 18 yr olds, beer pong, and of course the one and only high five. While it is tough for the ole mid day drink when you're filling out TPS reports, the high five does not have to die. Hand shakes might be dominating the work place, but if you really want to have some fun start throwing co-workers high fives... if you're lucky, they wont know how to react which leaves for an always entertaining/awkward hand to hand touch... Eventually, they will love you for it.

Welcome All

Foregone Conclusions is a forum for ideas and thoughts regarding public policy, current events and pop culture. It is meant to be either insightful or hilarious, depending on which one you think it is.
 
Add to Technorati Favorites
Blog Information Profile for Barras16