Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Iranian Twitter Revolution

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Medical Advice for the Rich


I read an article the other day that gave me perhaps the most useless medical advice I've ever read. In it, the article advised it's readers to "make sure to keep your toothbrush at least 14 feet away from your toilet," lest it gets infected with poo-particles that apparently fly around everywhere every time you flush.

Upon reading this pearl of wisdom, I immediately wondered: Who is this message supposed to be directed at?

Who the hell has a bathroom so big that you can put your toothbrush 14 feet away from ANYTHING!! I actually took the time to measure this out, and my fucking PILLOW isn't 14 feet away from my toilet. My bathroom is so small I almost have to put one foot in my dryer when I take a shit.

What other pieces of ultra-practical advice does the medical establishment have for us? To keep your underwear at least 400 feet away from your Maserati? To always keep your house slippers and yacht slippers separate? To make sure your Nintendo Wii controllers never, EVER come within 1,000 feet of your live, Bengal tiger?

I guess those of us who don't have 400 square foot bathrooms with rain showers are just going to have to wake up every morning and continue to clean our teeth with the poop-brush just like the other 99.9% of the world.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Local Girlfriend Regularly Confuses Telling a Good Story With Accurately Describing Events that Have Occurred

Seattle, WA -- According to eyewitness reports, area girlfriend Alicia Stevens, regularly confuses telling a good story with accurately describing events that have occurred in the past.

"Every time I try to tell a story she always corrects every detail until nobody gives a shit what happened and I just have to move on to asking people about their stupid jobs," said Adam Titlebaum, Stevens' boyfriend of three years.

Historically, humorous stories are typically embellished by the teller to invoke interest in the listeners.

Titlebaum's roomate Wyatt Tillman, noted that Titlebaum was corrected several times while attempting to entertain mutual friends at Seastar Bar and Grill. Corrections to Titlebaum's stories ranged from "that homeless guy wasn't naked, he was wearing jeans and you could only see his butt crack," to "actually you just put your head down, said you were sorry and walked away," to "you told me the other night that you don't even really like beer!"

The couples' friends have increasingly noticed Titlebaum's withdrawel during social situations. "I wish she would just shut the fuck up and let the man tell a goddamn story," Tillman said during an interview.

"I don't understand why Adam has to lie just to make a story funny," Stevens said about her frusterated boyfriend. "Maybe he should just get some better stories if it bothers him so much."

Stevens then went on to talk about her interview that day while everyone at the table played with their cell phones.

Thanks, Safeway


Upon paying my bill of $130 at the local Safeway grocery store, I was handed a coupon. "Just a little thanks from us, letting you know how much we value you as a customer," Safway seemed to be telling me. I then turned over the coupon, eager to read all about the journey of savings I was about to embark on. "$1 Off Minute Made Grape Drink," read the coupon. It also expires in 4 days. Well gee whiz, with mind blowing savings like that, you would have to be crazy not to shop at Safeway for every possible need or want.

Here are some other promotional ideas I've thought up that I think would be equally useful to the average consumer.

-1 cent off Johnson and Johnson's Anal Cancer Causing Cream

-Two tickets to Glenn Beck's Common Sense Comedy Tour with purchase of $500 or more

-Half price on any single one way ticket to Cambodia only redeemable on Christmas Eve

-Free Shit Sandwich

-6 jars of Baconaise for the price of 7

-Buy 17 jars of Del Monte Mixed Fruit and we'll drive to your kid's high school and tell the other children to stop calling him a faggot all the time

-With two shopping trips in one week receive a Major League Baseball Autographed by John Edwards

-Buy anything in the store and we'll rape the shit out of you

-Receive one PC with Windows with any gallon of milk
 
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