The Real World: Singapore, Part III - Nature!

Alright! Your favorite ex-pats are back for another addition of The Real World: Singapore!! This latest and perhaps least interesting installment will cover our new neighborhood, as well as include some of our most marginally entertaining nature photographs to date!! At what point will I stop using exclamation marks! Who knows!!

This is the view from our new apartment on Kim Seng Walk. Our little neighborhood is called Great World City, which sounds like a future mega-city in an early 90's action movie. Every time I tell a cab driver to head towards Great World City I feel like Sly Stalone is going to tell me that he is, in fact, "the law."

Our new place is situated perfectly in between Little India and Chinatown. You can find Sam and I eating dinner at one of these two neighborhoods pretty much every night. In fact, in approximately 30 minutes we will be deciding whether to eat this:

This is my go-to meal from Ananda Bhavans. Its Biryani rice with a side of Other Items. As a side note, one of these items is, as the ancient Hindu mystics used to put it, "really fucking spicy." I'll let you try and guess which one it is.

Or the Undisputed Champion of Deliciousness:

I was disheartened to learn there are very few Kosher options at Piggy Porky.

One thing that is found abundantly in pretty much every neighborhood in Singapore is sugar-juice. Literally. A popular drink here that many people have with dinner is made from fresh-squeezed sugar cane. I don't know how liquid comes out of what looks like bamboo shoots, but I guess it does.

You know if you ordered fresh squeezed sugar cane for breakfast in the US they would serve it in a really tiny glass.


I would say that pound-for-pound, Little India is our favorite neighborhood in Singapore. There is bar-none, the best food I've ever had, cheap booze, some decent bars and tons of great local shops. All in all, as a white man I find that pretty much every time I go there I experience a full on authenticity-gasm.

One thing to keep in mind is that cars do not care what is in front of them and will NOT break for minor inconveniences like "road debris," "red lights," or "human beings." I am very sad to report that if Sam fell in the middle of the street I would have no choice but to leave her behind. There's just no sense in us both dying.

Walking around is easy because no matter where you are, there are always helpful signs to guide you on what to do or where to go.

For example this sign is there to help you if you need to know how to tenderly make love to a man.

During August, many Indians celebrated the high spirited festival of Onam. Onam has many beautiful customs and traditions that have been handed down for generations. Unfortunately, I don't know any of them. But I did go to a temple during this time to see what all the fuss was about.

This is a picture of Sam with Mario's nemesis, Wario.

There is an indescribable amount of tradition going on in this photograph. You can thank me later for broadening the living shit out of your horizons.

Moving on, one interesting feature of our new neighborhood are foot-massage stone strips that people can stand on while waiting for the train.

These stone massage stations are a great place to relax, clear your head and possibly pick up foot and mouth disease on your way home from a hard day.

Its hard to enjoy this particular relaxation station though because of its proximity to a Durian stand. This stand is literally right below the stones and the entire area smells like a perfect mix of popcorn and dead animal.

The horror....the horror....

In other news, we had our first visitor, Zack Tureff!!! With our new buddy in town we had so much fun I don't even think it can possibly be summed up in pictures.


We took him to see many magical Singapore things that you too might one day experience as long as you agree to a short 24 hour flight across the planet Earth! I know it sounds like a laughably arduous and expensive journey, but once you get here you can forget your troubles and....

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

One thing thats actually pretty sweet about living here is the fact that you can enjoy the tropical beaches pretty much all to yourself. This is because many people in Singapore hate the sun and everything it stands for. In many cultures, pale skin is associated with wealth or attractiveness or something -- to the point where many people walk around with umbrellas during the day to blot out the sun. The result being that Mikey T and company can enjoy Singapore's beaches essentially uninhibited.

This is Zack and I exploring the unexpectedly large space at noon on a Saturday. Both fun and frivolity occurred over the next few hours.

One thing that's interesting about the beach is what lies just offshore.

Hurray for industry!

Ok, on to the flora and fauna!! As you are I'm sure aware, Singapore is an equatorial, tropical island nation. As such, its inhabitants live side by side with the natural environment it total harmony that is never at any time less than peaceful.

Moving along....nothing to see here.

Seriously though, the plants and animals have been a huge high point for us during our stay here in Singapore. Here are a few of our island friends we've met so far.

Ok, this is Foxy running around in the rain forest. I only bring her up because several people have come up to us, saying that she looks like a "mousedeer." Well, we finally saw a mousedeer the other day and you can decide for yourself if there is some resemblance.


They do have the same nugget body, I guess.

One highlight of Zack's stay was our trip to the zoo. The Singapore zoo was not only a really fun experience but it was a microcosm of everything I like about this country. What I am specifically referring to is the fact that pretty much any animal at the zoo that (probably) won't kill you is open to the public. Because its a lot harder to sue people here, coupled with the fact that the people actually behave like civilized human beings, they open things up to the public that would probably not be aloud in the U.S.

This is the kind of thing I'm talking about. These orangutans just were just sitting out in the open and you could just walk up and feed them. In America someone drunk asshole would throw a beer bottle at them within 5 seconds of letting them out of the cages. Then, one of these lovely, 200 pound ladies would promptly rip his arm off and he would win a 5.5 million dollar class action law suite against the zoo.

Whereas in Singapore you just buy a piece of celery, hand it to the baby monkey and move on with your day.

Or feed the giraffes. By the way, "feeding" is a fairly liberal way of describing what is happening here. "Taking," is probably a more accurate description. Try waiving a carrot in front of a giraffe and see if you can hold on to it for more than 1 second.

These next few pics are of my favorite part of the zoo. It was just a giant bio-dome that you can walk through with about 15(?) different animals that are completely free to do whatever they want. Once again I think this is something that wouldn't be possible in the U.S.

Much like Jurassic Park, the zoo has to figure out a way to keep the animals in this exhibit close to the people. The way they do that is that many of the trees have little platforms on them that leak fruit juice. This keeps the animals entertained so they don't occupy their time with other things, like ripping your face off.

This is Sam having a contest with a bird to see who can trust who less.

Plants!!! Being a tropical island, Singapore also has many plants, some of which do not even want to poison you. My favorite plants here are the trees. They are both old and large.

This is a famous sculpture because that marble ball is somehow suspended using water in such a way that you can spin it. Foxy showed her appreciation by drinking some of the water.

This tree is interesting because it looks weird.

Look, if you want commentary from Sir David Attenborough then you should go rent Seas of Life, asshole.

I've seen this type of plant all around Singapore. It sits on top of things and sends its roots down to the ground.

Apparently, if one of the branches is an outlier it makes the banzai tree much more valuable. The only flaw in this logic is that you have to care about banzai trees for that value to exist.

Ok, I hope it hasn't been as tedious to read this as it has been to write. We hope everyone is doing well at home. Talk to you soon!

Fin.

The Real World: Singapore, Part II - Food, etc.

Seriously, why can't I even write a title without using bizarre amounts of unnecessary punctuation? Anyway, we're back, baby. Only this time a lot sweatier and slightly more drunk.

Now that week 2 is coming to a close, we have learned a lot more about the place Sam and I will be spending the next year. Namely, that Sam and I are going to gain 40 pounds each if we don't adjust the way we're currently shoving food into our round American faces (more about that later). That, and everyone here thinks that I look exactly like Andre Agassi.

Either I look exactly like Agassi or Singaporeans love tennis and think that all bald white guys look alike. P.S. I dare you not to be drawn in by those eyes.

Food here continues to be an all-encompassing, continuous pastime. It seems that completely by accident, we set up shop in the food capital of the world. I used to think that American life was centered around eating. Frankly, I had no idea what I was talking about (Sam would inform you that this is not an unusual occurrence). Let me put it this way, there are about 70 separate restaurants on the block we live on.

According to Moore's Law, that means there are at least 25 million restaurants captured in this photograph.

JAILBREAK!!!

We broke Foxy out of dog jail yesterday.

Not even Nelson Mandela suffered this much.

She was a VERY happy camper, although she was greeted by the rude awakening that she is a heat-sensitive dog now living in an equatorial, tropical country.

She pants like a fat guy in a grease fire.

To add insult to injury it has been so humid lately that it rains every day.

Rare is the day when humidity can be captured via photograph. I bet you're sweating just looking at this picture.

As a result Foxy has to wear her raincoat a lot.

This look can be roughly translated as: "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

It is a huge burden lifted off our chests now that Foxy is out of dog jail. It was a real bitch (pun....intended?) getting all the way up to the quarantine station everyday from downtown. I mean I think anyone can identify with how annoying it is to take the MRT all the way up to Yishun and then transfer to the 171 to Sembewang. Am I right people? Is this thing on?

Ok, fair enough. Moving on, now that we don't have to visit Foxy at the other side of the island every day, we have a lot more free time to do Singapore things.

Like walk past important buildings.

Or do whatever this is called:

Is it weird that I totally wanna dip my junk in there?

But back to the food. Sam and I can't even describe the foodventures we've been on over the last few weeks. First of all, lets just talk about a phenomenon here that is both mildly confusing and particularly hazardous to my health. Singaporeans love desert more than any other nation on earth. There is literally a bakery on every street corner, and several on every floor of every mall.

You better know your cake history.

During lunch hour, guys will literally walk in to one of these shops, grab 3 chocolate whatever's for like $2 and that's his lunch.

Don't even act like you wouldn't grab any three items for $2.

And this is just one of dozens of bakery chains across the country.

This is Chewy Junior. Motto: "You're diet can suck our balls."

Of course there is a lot of food that we haven't had the chance to try yet but is nonetheless very popular here. One such culinary delight is a local fruit called durian.

Why haven't we tried it yet? Oh, maybe because it looks like it has dinosaur skin and smells like 10,000 miles of bad road. So smelly in fact that you aren't even aloud to bring it on trains or buses. There are even whole apartment complexes that do not allow durian on the property (thankfully, ours is one such complex).

There are even things we don't want to try at our beloved Cake History:

Silly, those words don't belong together.

One amazing part of walking to Chinatown is that on every street corner there is a fresh pork and beef jerky stand, where upstanding young gentleman grill up meat slabs and dry them out for your enjoyment every day.

You have no idea how manly I felt being so close to that much jerky.

One word of advice though. If you're going to walk, you better wait for the green man.

I was kind of hoping this guy would show up to help us across the street:

I would also have settled for The Nightman.

Once Greenman gets you to Chinatown. You really get a chance to sample authentic Chinese culture, unspoiled by western influence.

Is it racist to think that this is racist?

Chinatown is really fun and Sam and I had a nice day making sure to eat everything in arm's reach while walking as quickly as possible past anything of real cultural significance.

Fat guy in a little aisle.

Yeah ok fine, maybe Sam and I aren't exactly serving as cultural attachés during our time here. But we are having a great time, even allowing banal things like going to the grocery store to become minor adventures.

This is my "I think I should go see a therapist because for some reason
these fruit are turning me on," face.

I no longer wish to write anything else. Hope everything is going well with everyone. Tureff's out.