The Real World: Singapore, Part IV - Christmas Vacation!

Just like the Griswold's, only Jewier.

Hi, friends! Welcome back to the Real World: Singapore! In our most recent and least demanded edition yet, we'll be sharing stories and pics of Christmas break through the new year. The Singapore Tureff's were treated during this time with a visit from the Northbrook Tureff's and non-stop fun and frivolity was had by all!

She might look calm on the surface but you have no idea how much frivolity was going on inside.

A quick aside: Some of you may notice that in the pictures to come, my general physique has taken on the shape, color and texture of a sea scallop.

Not to say that I can't still bring the sexy from time to time.

"But Mike, what has led to this precipitous decline in your physique, the same one that was once the toast of three continents?"

I'll tell you what: Bee Cheng Hiang, that's what!!

This sinister treat, much like crack in west Baltimore, is sold on virtually every street corner in Singapore. It's basically a coin made out teriyaki bacon and if I can't stop eating it soon I might have to seek out some sort of support group that helps people quit this pork-based currency (or as I call it, "The Devil's Hanukkah Gelt").

Moving right along, The Northbrook Tureff's arrived in Singapore right in time for Christmas, and the city did not let them down decoration-wise. Now I know what you're thinking:

"Why does Mike think I give a shit about his boring travel photos?"

No. Not that thing. The other thing.

"Oh. I didn't realize that Singapore gets all decked out for Christmas."

That's the one.

Being the multicultural, worldly city that it is, Singapore gets decked out for Christmas, Chinese New Year and Other People's Holidays That I've Never Heard Of.

I have to say, at this point I'm pretty used to living in Singapore. But one thing that definitely reminded me that I wasn't in Chicago/Seattle anymore was experiencing a Christmas and New Years in 88 degree weather at night.

The next day we hopped into a cab headed over to the place every red-blooded man wants to check out as soon as he is in a new city: The Singapore Orchid Garden.




Even though I'm not really a "flower guy," it was actually pretty nice with tons of flora that one does not usually see very often.

For example, I hadn't seen this particular type of flower since my bachelor party.



This is the type of humor one finds amusing when you've been trapped in an Orchid Garden for upwards of three hours.

Next on the agenda was the zoo. We definitely packed in every day with the highest amount of activity allowable by our bodies. This ensured not only that every possible moment was filled with memorable experiences but that the maximum level of irritability was reached by each member of our party at the end of the day. A typical end of day conversation between two Tureff's would sound something like:

"Hey, do you want to see if we can head over to that dessert place we passed before it closes?"

"Seriously, and I can't stress this enough, go fuck yourself."

We covered the zoo in the last blog entry so I'll just breeze through a few pics:

Once again, when you've done several full days touristing with your family, you tend to just break down mentally. This can, among other things, end up with your father catching you having a conversation with a lemur.

You know you've drawn the short straw as a monkey when they put you on trash duty.

The next day was started with a quick trip to Lau Pa Sat for lunch.

Lau Pa Sat is a hawker stall center in the middle of downtown. Its a great place to sample a bunch of different kinds of local Singaporean food for about $3-5US. It is a really cool, 100 year old building with Victorian architecture -- columns and all. Places like this are what I like most about Singapore.

After lunch we headed over to the Raffles Hotel -- one of the most iconic places in Singapore.

The Raffles Hotel is a huge, colonial-style Victorian hotel that was built in 1887. It has an amazing history of European colonial rule, Japanese occupation and eventual transformation into a luxury hotel and museum.

And if that's not enough, there are dudes dressed like this.

When you hate asking strangers to take pictures of you, you end up with your wife standing alone in front of a shitload of fountains.

One of the main reasons we went to the Raffles Hotel was so that my dad could fulfill his dream of visiting the Long Bar. The Long Bar is one of the most famous bars in the world and it's where British and American spies used to come during World War II and do spy related things. Also, Ernest Hemingway used to drink Singapore Slings there and contemplate how awesome his beard was, among other concerns. This is the space where I would normally make a joke about how it was a weird coincidence because "Mike Longbar" also happened to be my gay porn name in the 90's -- but I'm far to mature for that now.

Some other things happened while we were in Singapore, including:

Chili crab!

Buddhist temples!

New Years!

Dancing Asian cowboys!!

After a great and not in the least bit relaxing time in Singapore, it was time to move on to uncharted territory: Hong Kong and Macau!!

We landed in Hong Kong early in the morning and went to our hotel, which was in Kowloon, overlooking Victoria Harbor.

You'll have to forgive the picture quality in Hong Kong and Macau. The entire time we were there it was damp, hazy and very foggy.

With some time to kill before heading to Macau, we decided to hit the streets and get a vibe for the neighborhood we were staying in. So we hit up an outdoor market about 3 blocks from our hotel.

Chinese cuisine seems to be centered around a deep seeded hatred for ducks. And yes those are giant orange squid hanging from a hook.

In all honesty the food in Hong Kong was fantastic and there was very little we refused to shove into our fat American faces. We sampled it all, from the authentic:


To the not quite as authentic:

Wrapped around every building that was under construction was a network of scaffolding wrapped in tarp, just like in the US. However, in China the scaffolding is made entirely of bamboo wrapped together with string.

This went for buildings a few stories high all the way up to 65 story high rises.

This is what is referred to in the construction business as a "shitload" of bamboo.

While this seemed surprising at first it actually made a lot more sense once I saw one of the construction workers.

"Sup."

No matter where you went, from the artsiest hipster neighborhood, to the outdoor markets, traditional medicine stores were everywhere. They definitely offered some interesting ideas on how to treat common ailments.

For example, hanging this root (only HK$20,000) in your house will ward off numerous illnesses.


I would totally have bought something except for the fact I didn't know how to say, "Excuse me, sir, do you happen to sell anything that doesn't bear a strong resemblance to a mummy's penis?" in Chinese.

Now, feel free to laugh at that joke as much as you want as long as you have never sought out medical treatment at any of the following places:

If you have, you are not only not allowed to laugh at anyone's traditional medicine ever again, but you need to go stand in the corner for 30 minutes and think about what you've done.

Too preachy? Fair enough.

All in all this next picture to me most encapsulates my experience in Hong Kong.

Hong Kong (and China in general) seems to be a country in many stages of development all right up against each other. The traditional and the modern, the poor and the rich, the new and the old all literally pushing each other up for support. In the foreground of this picture there is a shanty-town group of shops, which are overlooked by a group of apartments that are old and crumbling, which are in turn overlooked by 65 story modern high-rises made of glass.

Oh, and by the way they have 2 gallon bottles of whiskey.

Sam's Club, eat your heart out.

After that we took a boat ride to Macau, which is essentially the "Las Vegas" of China.

Oh, casinos, you look tacky and awful no matter what country you're in.

Interestingly enough, Macau was actually a Portuguese colony until 1999. The result being that while it has the usual Chinese feel to it:


If you looked upwards you would notice that all of the buildings were 18th and 19th century Portuguese architecture.

Note: Jacketwear provided by Matt Reinhart

On the last day of our trip, the women of the group headed over to the ladies' market (which I honestly believe is lady-code for a male strip club) while my dad and I had a few adult beverages and got hand-made suits from Raja Fashions.

By the way if Raja himself tells you to go with lilac:

Then by god you go with lilac. Unfortunately they weren't able to do anything about the fact that I look like a walking Amber Alert.

Ok, we have reached the upper limits of my desire to write anymore. I'll whip up a supplementary post to throw in a few more gems that weren't included in a few days.

Like tastefully nude shots of Foxy, for example.

Or a 2 inch deep puddle of BBQ sauce that Sam stepped in. Those are her BBQ sauce footprints leading away from the puddle.

Until then, thank you to the Northbrook Tureff's for traveling around the world and showing us a great time.

We hope everyone else is doing well back home and can't wait to see everyone soon.

End.