foregone conclusions

The Real World: Singapore, Part IV - Christmas Vacation!

2011-01-17T01:19:00.054-05:00

Just like the Griswold's, only Jewier.

Hi, friends! Welcome back to the Real World: Singapore! In our most recent and least demanded edition yet, we'll be sharing stories and pics of Christmas break through the new year. The Singapore Tureff's were treated during this time with a visit from the Northbrook Tureff's and non-stop fun and frivolity was had by all!

She might look calm on the surface but you have no idea how much frivolity was going on inside.

A quick aside: Some of you may notice that in the pictures to come, my general physique has taken on the shape, color and texture of a sea scallop.

Not to say that I can't still bring the sexy from time to time.

"But Mike, what has led to this precipitous decline in your physique, the same one that was once the toast of three continents?"

I'll tell you what: Bee Cheng Hiang, that's what!!

This sinister treat, much like crack in west Baltimore, is sold on virtually every street corner in Singapore. It's basically a coin made out teriyaki bacon and if I can't stop eating it soon I might have to seek out some sort of support group that helps people quit this pork-based currency (or as I call it, "The Devil's Hanukkah Gelt").

Moving right along, The Northbrook Tureff's arrived in Singapore right in time for Christmas, and the city did not let them down decoration-wise. Now I know what you're thinking:

"Why does Mike think I give a shit about his boring travel photos?"

No. Not that thing. The other thing.

"Oh. I didn't realize that Singapore gets all decked out for Christmas."

That's the one.

Being the multicultural, worldly city that it is, Singapore gets decked out for Christmas, Chinese New Year and Other People's Holidays That I've Never Heard Of.

I have to say, at this point I'm pretty used to living in Singapore. But one thing that definitely reminded me that I wasn't in Chicago/Seattle anymore was experiencing a Christmas and New Years in 88 degree weather at night.

The next day we hopped into a cab headed over to the place every red-blooded man wants to check out as soon as he is in a new city: The Singapore Orchid Garden.

Even though I'm not really a "flower guy," it was actually pretty nice with tons of flora that one does not usually see very often.

For example, I hadn't seen this particular type of flower since my bachelor party.

This is the type of humor one finds amusing when you've been trapped in an Orchid Garden for upwards of three hours.

Next on the agenda was the zoo. We definitely packed in every day with the highest amount of activity allowable by our bodies. This ensured not only that every possible moment was filled with memorable experiences but that the maximum level of irritability was reached by each member of our party at the end of the day. A typical end of day conversation between two Tureff's would sound something like:

"Hey, do you want to see if we can head over to that dessert place we passed before it closes?"

"Seriously, and I can't stress this enough, go fuck yourself."

We covered the zoo in the last blog entry so I'll just breeze through a few pics:

Once again, when you've done several full days touristing with your family, you tend to just break down mentally. This can, among other things, end up with your father catching you having a conversation with a lemur.

You know you've drawn the short straw as a monkey when they put you on trash duty.

The next day was started with a quick trip to Lau Pa Sat for lunch.

Lau Pa Sat is a hawker stall center in the middle of downtown. Its a great place to sample a bunch of different kinds of local Singaporean food for about $3-5US. It is a really cool, 100 year old building with Victorian architecture -- columns and all. Places like this are what I like most about Singapore.

After lunch we headed over to the Raffles Hotel -- one of the most iconic places in Singapore.

The Raffles Hotel is a huge, colonial-style Victorian hotel that was built in 1887. It has an amazing history of European colonial rule, Japanese occupation and eventual transformation into a luxury hotel and museum.

And if that's not enough, there are dudes dressed like this.

When you hate asking strangers to take pictures of you, you end up with your wife standing alone in front of a shitload of fountains.

One of the main reasons we went to the Raffles Hotel was so that my dad could fulfill his dream of visiting the Long Bar. The Long Bar is one of the most famous bars in the world and it's where British and American spies used to come during World War II and do spy related things. Also, Ernest Hemingway used to drink Singapore Slings there and contemplate how awesome his beard was, among other concerns. This is the space where I would normally make a joke about how it was a weird coincidence because "Mike Longbar" also happened to be my gay porn name in the 90's -- but I'm far to mature for that now.

Some other things happened while we were in Singapore, including:

Chili crab!

Buddhist temples!

New Years!

Dancing Asian cowboys!!

After a great and not in the least bit relaxing time in Singapore, it was time to move on to uncharted territory: Hong Kong and Macau!!

We landed in Hong Kong early in the morning and went to our hotel, which was in Kowloon, overlooking Victoria Harbor.

You'll have to forgive the picture quality in Hong Kong and Macau. The entire time we were there it was damp, hazy and very foggy.

With some time to kill before heading to Macau, we decided to hit the streets and get a vibe for the neighborhood we were staying in. So we hit up an outdoor market about 3 blocks from our hotel.

Chinese cuisine seems to be centered around a deep seeded hatred for ducks. And yes those are giant orange squid hanging from a hook.

In all honesty the food in Hong Kong was fantastic and there was very little we refused to shove into our fat American faces. We sampled it all, from the authentic:

To the not quite as authentic:

Wrapped around every building that was under construction was a network of scaffolding wrapped in tarp, just like in the US. However, in China the scaffolding is made entirely of bamboo wrapped together with string.

This went for buildings a few stories high all the way up to 65 story high rises.

This is what is referred to in the construction business as a "shitload" of bamboo.

While this seemed surprising at first it actually made a lot more sense once I saw one of the construction workers.

"Sup."

No matter where you went, from the artsiest hipster neighborhood, to the outdoor markets, traditional medicine stores were everywhere. They definitely offered some interesting ideas on how to treat common ailments.

For example, hanging this root (only HK$20,000) in your house will ward off numerous illnesses.

I would totally have bought something except for the fact I didn't know how to say, "Excuse me, sir, do you happen to sell anything that doesn't bear a strong resemblance to a mummy's penis?" in Chinese.

Now, feel free to laugh at that joke as much as you want as long as you have never sought out medical treatment at any of the following places:

If you have, you are not only not allowed to laugh at anyone's traditional medicine ever again, but you need to go stand in the corner for 30 minutes and think about what you've done.

Too preachy? Fair enough.

All in all this next picture to me most encapsulates my experience in Hong Kong.

Hong Kong (and China in general) seems to be a country in many stages of development all right up against each other. The traditional and the modern, the poor and the rich, the new and the old all literally pushing each other up for support. In the foreground of this picture there is a shanty-town group of shops, which are overlooked by a group of apartments that are old and crumbling, which are in turn overlooked by 65 story modern high-rises made of glass.

Oh, and by the way they have 2 gallon bottles of whiskey.

Sam's Club, eat your heart out.

After that we took a boat ride to Macau, which is essentially the "Las Vegas" of China.

Oh, casinos, you look tacky and awful no matter what country you're in.

Interestingly enough, Macau was actually a Portuguese colony until 1999. The result being that while it has the usual Chinese feel to it:

If you looked upwards you would notice that all of the buildings were 18th and 19th century Portuguese architecture.

Note: Jacketwear provided by Matt Reinhart

On the last day of our trip, the women of the group headed over to the ladies' market (which I honestly believe is lady-code for a male strip club) while my dad and I had a few adult beverages and got hand-made suits from Raja Fashions.

By the way if Raja himself tells you to go with lilac:

Then by god you go with lilac. Unfortunately they weren't able to do anything about the fact that I look like a walking Amber Alert.

Ok, we have reached the upper limits of my desire to write anymore. I'll whip up a supplementary post to throw in a few more gems that weren't included in a few days.

Like tastefully nude shots of Foxy, for example.

Or a 2 inch deep puddle of BBQ sauce that Sam stepped in. Those are her BBQ sauce footprints leading away from the puddle.

Until then, thank you to the Northbrook Tureff's for traveling around the world and showing us a great time.

We hope everyone else is doing well back home and can't wait to see everyone soon.

End.

The Real World: Singapore, Part III - Nature!

2010-09-12T05:43:00.055-04:00

Alright! Your favorite ex-pats are back for another addition of The Real World: Singapore!! This latest and perhaps least interesting installment will cover our new neighborhood, as well as include some of our most marginally entertaining nature photographs to date!! At what point will I stop using exclamation marks! Who knows!!

This is the view from our new apartment on Kim Seng Walk. Our little neighborhood is called Great World City, which sounds like a future mega-city in an early 90's action movie. Every time I tell a cab driver to head towards Great World City I feel like Sly Stalone is going to tell me that he is, in fact, "the law."

Our new place is situated perfectly in between Little India and Chinatown. You can find Sam and I eating dinner at one of these two neighborhoods pretty much every night. In fact, in approximately 30 minutes we will be deciding whether to eat this:

This is my go-to meal from Ananda Bhavans. Its Biryani rice with a side of Other Items. As a side note, one of these items is, as the ancient Hindu mystics used to put it, "really fucking spicy." I'll let you try and guess which one it is.

Or the Undisputed Champion of Deliciousness:

I was disheartened to learn there are very few Kosher options at Piggy Porky.

One thing that is found abundantly in pretty much every neighborhood in Singapore is sugar-juice. Literally. A popular drink here that many people have with dinner is made from fresh-squeezed sugar cane. I don't know how liquid comes out of what looks like bamboo shoots, but I guess it does.

You know if you ordered fresh squeezed sugar cane for breakfast in the US they would serve it in a really tiny glass.

I would say that pound-for-pound, Little India is our favorite neighborhood in Singapore. There is bar-none, the best food I've ever had, cheap booze, some decent bars and tons of great local shops. All in all, as a white man I find that pretty much every time I go there I experience a full on authenticity-gasm.

One thing to keep in mind is that cars do not care what is in front of them and will NOT break for minor inconveniences like "road debris," "red lights," or "human beings." I am very sad to report that if Sam fell in the middle of the street I would have no choice but to leave her behind. There's just no sense in us both dying.

Walking around is easy because no matter where you are, there are always helpful signs to guide you on what to do or where to go.

For example this sign is there to help you if you need to know how to tenderly make love to a man.

During August, many Indians celebrated the high spirited festival of Onam. Onam has many beautiful customs and traditions that have been handed down for generations. Unfortunately, I don't know any of them. But I did go to a temple during this time to see what all the fuss was about.

This is a picture of Sam with Mario's nemesis, Wario.

There is an indescribable amount of tradition going on in this photograph. You can thank me later for broadening the living shit out of your horizons.

Moving on, one interesting feature of our new neighborhood are foot-massage stone strips that people can stand on while waiting for the train.

These stone massage stations are a great place to relax, clear your head and possibly pick up foot and mouth disease on your way home from a hard day.

Its hard to enjoy this particular relaxation station though because of its proximity to a Durian stand. This stand is literally right below the stones and the entire area smells like a perfect mix of popcorn and dead animal.

The horror....the horror....

In other news, we had our first visitor, Zack Tureff!!! With our new buddy in town we had so much fun I don't even think it can possibly be summed up in pictures.

We took him to see many magical Singapore things that you too might one day experience as long as you agree to a short 24 hour flight across the planet Earth! I know it sounds like a laughably arduous and expensive journey, but once you get here you can forget your troubles and....

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

One thing thats actually pretty sweet about living here is the fact that you can enjoy the tropical beaches pretty much all to yourself. This is because many people in Singapore hate the sun and everything it stands for. In many cultures, pale skin is associated with wealth or attractiveness or something -- to the point where many people walk around with umbrellas during the day to blot out the sun. The result being that Mikey T and company can enjoy Singapore's beaches essentially uninhibited.

This is Zack and I exploring the unexpectedly large space at noon on a Saturday. Both fun and frivolity occurred over the next few hours.

One thing that's interesting about the beach is what lies just offshore.

Hurray for industry!

Ok, on to the flora and fauna!! As you are I'm sure aware, Singapore is an equatorial, tropical island nation. As such, its inhabitants live side by side with the natural environment it total harmony that is never at any time less than peaceful.

Moving along....nothing to see here.

Seriously though, the plants and animals have been a huge high point for us during our stay here in Singapore. Here are a few of our island friends we've met so far.

Ok, this is Foxy running around in the rain forest. I only bring her up because several people have come up to us, saying that she looks like a "mousedeer." Well, we finally saw a mousedeer the other day and you can decide for yourself if there is some resemblance.

They do have the same nugget body, I guess.

One highlight of Zack's stay was our trip to the zoo. The Singapore zoo was not only a really fun experience but it was a microcosm of everything I like about this country. What I am specifically referring to is the fact that pretty much any animal at the zoo that (probably) won't kill you is open to the public. Because its a lot harder to sue people here, coupled with the fact that the people actually behave like civilized human beings, they open things up to the public that would probably not be aloud in the U.S.

This is the kind of thing I'm talking about. These orangutans just were just sitting out in the open and you could just walk up and feed them. In America someone drunk asshole would throw a beer bottle at them within 5 seconds of letting them out of the cages. Then, one of these lovely, 200 pound ladies would promptly rip his arm off and he would win a 5.5 million dollar class action law suite against the zoo.

Whereas in Singapore you just buy a piece of celery, hand it to the baby monkey and move on with your day.

Or feed the giraffes. By the way, "feeding" is a fairly liberal way of describing what is happening here. "Taking," is probably a more accurate description. Try waiving a carrot in front of a giraffe and see if you can hold on to it for more than 1 second.

These next few pics are of my favorite part of the zoo. It was just a giant bio-dome that you can walk through with about 15(?) different animals that are completely free to do whatever they want. Once again I think this is something that wouldn't be possible in the U.S.

Much like Jurassic Park, the zoo has to figure out a way to keep the animals in this exhibit close to the people. The way they do that is that many of the trees have little platforms on them that leak fruit juice. This keeps the animals entertained so they don't occupy their time with other things, like ripping your face off.

This is Sam having a contest with a bird to see who can trust who less.

Plants!!! Being a tropical island, Singapore also has many plants, some of which do not even want to poison you. My favorite plants here are the trees. They are both old and large.

This is a famous sculpture because that marble ball is somehow suspended using water in such a way that you can spin it. Foxy showed her appreciation by drinking some of the water.

This tree is interesting because it looks weird.

Look, if you want commentary from Sir David Attenborough then you should go rent Seas of Life, asshole.

I've seen this type of plant all around Singapore. It sits on top of things and sends its roots down to the ground.

Apparently, if one of the branches is an outlier it makes the banzai tree much more valuable. The only flaw in this logic is that you have to care about banzai trees for that value to exist.

Ok, I hope it hasn't been as tedious to read this as it has been to write. We hope everyone is doing well at home. Talk to you soon!

Fin.

The Real World: Singapore, Part II - Food, etc.

2010-07-30T02:46:00.037-04:00

Seriously, why can't I even write a title without using bizarre amounts of unnecessary punctuation? Anyway, we're back, baby. Only this time a lot sweatier and slightly more drunk.

Now that week 2 is coming to a close, we have learned a lot more about the place Sam and I will be spending the next year. Namely, that Sam and I are going to gain 40 pounds each if we don't adjust the way we're currently shoving food into our round American faces (more about that later). That, and everyone here thinks that I look exactly like Andre Agassi.

Either I look exactly like Agassi or Singaporeans love tennis and think that all bald white guys look alike. P.S. I dare you not to be drawn in by those eyes.

Food here continues to be an all-encompassing, continuous pastime. It seems that completely by accident, we set up shop in the food capital of the world. I used to think that American life was centered around eating. Frankly, I had no idea what I was talking about (Sam would inform you that this is not an unusual occurrence). Let me put it this way, there are about 70 separate restaurants on the block we live on.

According to Moore's Law, that means there are at least 25 million restaurants captured in this photograph.

JAILBREAK!!!

We broke Foxy out of dog jail yesterday.

Not even Nelson Mandela suffered this much.

She was a VERY happy camper, although she was greeted by the rude awakening that she is a heat-sensitive dog now living in an equatorial, tropical country.

She pants like a fat guy in a grease fire.

To add insult to injury it has been so humid lately that it rains every day.

Rare is the day when humidity can be captured via photograph. I bet you're sweating just looking at this picture.

As a result Foxy has to wear her raincoat a lot.

This look can be roughly translated as: "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

It is a huge burden lifted off our chests now that Foxy is out of dog jail. It was a real bitch (pun....intended?) getting all the way up to the quarantine station everyday from downtown. I mean I think anyone can identify with how annoying it is to take the MRT all the way up to Yishun and then transfer to the 171 to Sembewang. Am I right people? Is this thing on?

Ok, fair enough. Moving on, now that we don't have to visit Foxy at the other side of the island every day, we have a lot more free time to do Singapore things.

Like walk past important buildings.

Or do whatever this is called:

Is it weird that I totally wanna dip my junk in there?

But back to the food. Sam and I can't even describe the foodventures we've been on over the last few weeks. First of all, lets just talk about a phenomenon here that is both mildly confusing and particularly hazardous to my health. Singaporeans love desert more than any other nation on earth. There is literally a bakery on every street corner, and several on every floor of every mall.

You better know your cake history.

During lunch hour, guys will literally walk in to one of these shops, grab 3 chocolate whatever's for like $2 and that's his lunch.

Don't even act like you wouldn't grab any three items for $2.

And this is just one of dozens of bakery chains across the country.

This is Chewy Junior. Motto: "You're diet can suck our balls."

Of course there is a lot of food that we haven't had the chance to try yet but is nonetheless very popular here. One such culinary delight is a local fruit called durian.

Why haven't we tried it yet? Oh, maybe because it looks like it has dinosaur skin and smells like 10,000 miles of bad road. So smelly in fact that you aren't even aloud to bring it on trains or buses. There are even whole apartment complexes that do not allow durian on the property (thankfully, ours is one such complex).

There are even things we don't want to try at our beloved Cake History:

Silly, those words don't belong together.

One amazing part of walking to Chinatown is that on every street corner there is a fresh pork and beef jerky stand, where upstanding young gentleman grill up meat slabs and dry them out for your enjoyment every day.

You have no idea how manly I felt being so close to that much jerky.

One word of advice though. If you're going to walk, you better wait for the green man.

I was kind of hoping this guy would show up to help us across the street:

I would also have settled for The Nightman.

Once Greenman gets you to Chinatown. You really get a chance to sample authentic Chinese culture, unspoiled by western influence.

Is it racist to think that this is racist?

Chinatown is really fun and Sam and I had a nice day making sure to eat everything in arm's reach while walking as quickly as possible past anything of real cultural significance.

Fat guy in a little aisle.

Yeah ok fine, maybe Sam and I aren't exactly serving as cultural attachés during our time here. But we are having a great time, even allowing banal things like going to the grocery store to become minor adventures.

This is my "I think I should go see a therapist because for some reason
these fruit are turning me on," face.

I no longer wish to write anything else. Hope everything is going well with everyone. Tureff's out.

The Real World: Singapore, Part 1

2010-07-19T18:04:00.033-04:00

The Tureff's

Sam and I have moved to Singapore. As a result, I'll be hijacking this blog for a few weeks to post some updates on our daily life here as well as regale you with stories that have only the smallest possibility of being entertaining.

It's hard for me to sum up our experiences so far in a concise, orderly manner, as that would take more than 1 minute of preparation before just sitting down and diarrhea-ing words into this page. I guess what I'm saying is: please bear with me as I struggle through this first post -- it's 6:35am here and Sam and I have not gotten what is considered to be the amount of sleep necessary to not murder people. I mean, just the sheer abomination of punctuation that just took place should be demonstrative of this fact.

I'll try to gloss over the traveling portion as much as possible, because while it was without a doubt hell exemplified, I don't want to spend too much time complaining about our white-people problems (our international flight was long....boo hoo).

Basically, from Saturday to Monday morning we did a lot of this:

And after that, we did some of this:

Then we did some more of this:

This is me being fat in Tokyo.

And on and on and on. The traveling was definitely unpleasant, but much like our dog, Foxy, I've already forgotten about it. Honestly the worst part was having to constantly provide documents for Foxy in addition to the never ending worry of whether or not we could get her to go to the bathroom between flights. If it weren't for that little a-hole (literally and figuratively, I suppose) it would have been an otherwise bearable experience. The reaction we have gotten to Foxy in Asia has been a tale of two equally bizarre extremes. In the US, everybody has close to the same reaction to Foxy: a wide smile, a barely audible "aww," the possibility of a quick pet and then they move on. In Asia people either react in extreme horror or freak out with unbridled excitement. In Tokyo, within minutes of each other we had a flock of girls run up to me, grab Foxy out of my hands and play with her/take pictures for like 5 minutes. 2 minutes after that another girl saw Foxy and completely freaked out, screamed and started waiving her carry-on bag in the manner a lion tamer would use a bar-stool. All she was missing was the whip in her hand.

And then we finally arrive in Singapore. I could immediately tell that we had left Seattle when Sam and I were handed this piece of paper:

Moving quickly along, another way we could tell we were no longer in Seattle, is that this guy jumped from the ceiling and ran up Sam's back about an hour after we woke up.

It's cool though, she handled it gracefully by screaming while gesticulating wildly.

Let's take a minute to clear up some misconceptions I had about Singapore.

#1. Everybody speaks English. This is so close to an accurate description. However I would add two words to this statement. I would say everyone speaks English to you. When people speak to each other they speak their own language, be it Malay, Mandarin, Hindi or another language that sounds like what the Prawns spoke in District 9. Additionally, Sam and I can't understand 20% of the people here, even though they speak better English than I do. We'll be sitting on the train and will just start laughing because we realize that the couple next to us has been speaking English to each other the whole time and we had no idea.

Ech. Typical Asian train station. Coming from the US its hard to adjust to the train stations here being "clean," and "sanitary" and "well lit" and all of the people "mind their own business" and move "efficiently" and "quickly" and the trains are "on time" and nobody tries to "stab you" or "have sex with you without your consent." I mean really, when are they going to join the 21st century?

It's no wonder we take cabs all the time:

Who wears a seatbelt in a cab?

#2. It is unbearably hot. Actually, I haven't felt that way at all. I mean don't get me wrong its not exactly Minneapolis here, but because it rains twice a day here for 20 minutes, it helps keeps the heat down. Seriously though, the rain here makes Seattle look like a little girl. The rainy season here is going to be off the hook. Let's illustrate. This is a gutter in the US:

This is a gutter here:

#3. All of your appliances will work here. Ok maybe this was not a misconception, just me not finding out something in advance. We get to our hotel and all the plugs (all one of them) look like this:

The people who designed this socket were obviously born without the gene that gives you the ability to experience penis shape humor.

There are a million small differences like this, for example, when you set the temperature in the shower, remember that the degrees are in Celsius, lest you experience my morning flash-boil.

THE FOOD!!!!

My favorite thing about Singapore so far is the food. In Singapore, people eat out for every meal, often in little "food courts" filled with these things called hawker stalls.

For about $6-$8 US, you and your wife can eat a laughably delicious meal for two. If you don't have a wife, for $2.50 US you can stare longingly into your Black Pepper Mee Hong Kong w/Prawn and contemplate dying alone. Each food court has a bunch of these stalls each serving food from a different country or style. You just walk up, point to a picture and announce loudly "I WILL PAY YOU MONEY AND YOU WILL MAKE THE PICTURE ON THE TOP RIGHT AND I WILL PUT IT IN MY TUMMY. THANK YOU."

Sam and I eat like kings for about $16 US per day.

The last thing we did yesterday was go visit Foxy in dog jail. According to Singapore law she has to be quarantined for 10 days upon our arrival.

Is the barbed wire necessary, guys?

We get an hour conjugal visit once per day. These visits are the most fun I've ever had. I can't even explain how exciting it is to sit in a cell with your dog for an hour. This picture captures only a small part of how enthralling these daily visits are:

I put a pack of cigarettes and a file in her squeak toy.

With Foxy out of the way, we get to do all sorts of exciting things.

Like stand on the street we live on.

And stand in front of some kind of fountain.

And take pictures of people very early in the morning while they brush their teeth.

Ok as you can probably tell I don't want to write anymore things. I'll make another equally banal post in the next few days and send it to you completely unsolicited. Bye!

Somebody left a surfboard on this hotel.

***Update: Some store names we like: Chewy Junior, House of Condom, Republic of Steak, Cake History

The Iranian Twitter Revolution

2009-06-17T20:09:00.004-04:00

Twitter, a relatively new social media tool, has long been accused of being too banal even for the average person to take any interest.

This certainly has not been the case in Iran, however, as government censorship has threatened to cut off any communication to or from the troubled country. In these tumultuous times, Twitter has proven to be invaluable for citizen journalists speaking their minds and reporting on each day's events.

Here are some examples of the vital reporting emerging from Twitter feeds, focusing on the aftermath of the Iranian elections.

- "Standing here @ the protests -- good 2 c tons of hottiez and no fattiez!! :)"

- "Man I wish Ahmenidijad would just STFU!"

- "Lts b serious, we're all gunna end up blming this on the jewz anywayz :p "

- "i gotta ttyl, b/c i just set off a car bomb...LOL"

- "omg, this is the scariest thing to happn to iran since the great beard fire of 89!"

- "jst got arrstd, the cps r totally gunno shock my bllz :("

- "kewl, havnt seen ths much green since hamas blw up that tabbouleh factory ^_^"

- "me and my BFF both h8 the gr8 s8tan"

- "I think that we as a people should respond with a measured approach and peacefully reform the system by utilizing nonviolent political solutions...haha JK ROFL :D"

- "g2g, gunno go fap to sum MILF pron b4 the protest ;)"

Medical Advice for the Rich

2009-06-15T16:25:00.003-04:00

I read an article the other day that gave me perhaps the most useless medical advice I've ever read. In it, the article advised it's readers to "make sure to keep your toothbrush at least 14 feet away from your toilet," lest it gets infected with poo-particles that apparently fly around everywhere every time you flush.

Upon reading this pearl of wisdom, I immediately wondered: Who is this message supposed to be directed at?

Who the hell has a bathroom so big that you can put your toothbrush 14 feet away from ANYTHING!! I actually took the time to measure this out, and my fucking PILLOW isn't 14 feet away from my toilet. My bathroom is so small I almost have to put one foot in my dryer when I take a shit.

What other pieces of ultra-practical advice does the medical establishment have for us? To keep your underwear at least 400 feet away from your Maserati? To always keep your house slippers and yacht slippers separate? To make sure your Nintendo Wii controllers never, EVER come within 1,000 feet of your live, Bengal tiger?

I guess those of us who don't have 400 square foot bathrooms with rain showers are just going to have to wake up every morning and continue to clean our teeth with the poop-brush just like the other 99.9% of the world.

Local Girlfriend Regularly Confuses Telling a Good Story With Accurately Describing Events that Have Occurred

2009-06-11T19:13:00.004-04:00

Seattle, WA -- According to eyewitness reports, area girlfriend Alicia Stevens, regularly confuses telling a good story with accurately describing events that have occurred in the past.

"Every time I try to tell a story she always corrects every detail until nobody gives a shit what happened and I just have to move on to asking people about their stupid jobs," said Adam Titlebaum, Stevens' boyfriend of three years.

Historically, humorous stories are typically embellished by the teller to invoke interest in the listeners.

Titlebaum's roomate Wyatt Tillman, noted that Titlebaum was corrected several times while attempting to entertain mutual friends at Seastar Bar and Grill. Corrections to Titlebaum's stories ranged from "that homeless guy wasn't naked, he was wearing jeans and you could only see his butt crack," to "actually you just put your head down, said you were sorry and walked away," to "you told me the other night that you don't even really like beer!"

The couples' friends have increasingly noticed Titlebaum's withdrawel during social situations. "I wish she would just shut the fuck up and let the man tell a goddamn story," Tillman said during an interview.

"I don't understand why Adam has to lie just to make a story funny," Stevens said about her frusterated boyfriend. "Maybe he should just get some better stories if it bothers him so much."

Stevens then went on to talk about her interview that day while everyone at the table played with their cell phones.

Thanks, Safeway

2009-06-11T17:10:00.003-04:00

Upon paying my bill of $130 at the local Safeway grocery store, I was handed a coupon. "Just a little thanks from us, letting you know how much we value you as a customer," Safway seemed to be telling me. I then turned over the coupon, eager to read all about the journey of savings I was about to embark on. "$1 Off Minute Made Grape Drink," read the coupon. It also expires in 4 days. Well gee whiz, with mind blowing savings like that, you would have to be crazy not to shop at Safeway for every possible need or want.

Here are some other promotional ideas I've thought up that I think would be equally useful to the average consumer.

-1 cent off Johnson and Johnson's Anal Cancer Causing Cream

-Two tickets to Glenn Beck's Common Sense Comedy Tour with purchase of $500 or more

-Half price on any single one way ticket to Cambodia only redeemable on Christmas Eve

-Free Shit Sandwich

-6 jars of Baconaise for the price of 7

-Buy 17 jars of Del Monte Mixed Fruit and we'll drive to your kid's high school and tell the other children to stop calling him a faggot all the time

-With two shopping trips in one week receive a Major League Baseball Autographed by John Edwards

-Buy anything in the store and we'll rape the shit out of you

-Receive one PC with Windows with any gallon of milk

Standardized Hand Signals For Close Range Engagement (C.R.E.) Operations

2009-01-29T13:30:00.010-05:00

"Come This Way"

"Listen or I Hear"

"Whoa, whoa whoa....You fuckin' talkin' to ME?"

"Let's all run at him like Hacksaw Jim Duggan."

"Can you grab a bandage real quick? I think I may have been shot."

"I mean, if you don't cup the balls then why even show up?"

"OF COURSE while doing this! What are you, 12?!"

Fart Joke

Caption Contest

2009-01-28T14:41:00.007-05:00

A few examples:

"Michelle! Michelle! Can you believe this sleeping bitch next to me?"

"What a beautiful, young, intelligent woman. So vibrant and full of life. She'll get into my country club over my dead fucking body, but full of life nonetheless."

"Fucking priceless. She's gonna have full access to the presidency and Barrack-hard boners for the next four years while I'm stuck in Texas playing golf with Yahoo McPencildick."

"Born in 1964? Please. By then I'd already killed a guy."

"If it weren't for that Goddamned hyper-agreeable Will Smith, non of this shit would have ever happened in the first place."

"We were about to dismiss this bitch as yet another Boomer-era, Uber-WASP when our dick slapped our brain in the face and was like wait just a doggone minute...We would rather eat shrimp off your genitalia like an aardvark on the savanna." (Guest Example Post Submitted By Vice Magazine)

powdered donuts...eh

2009-01-26T11:49:00.004-05:00

Maybe its just me, but I always want to like powdered donuts. They always look delicious in the box or on the rack. Starring back at you with its powdery glow, enticing you to pick it out of the plethora of choices. And what happens every time? It sucks. One of two things happen. It is either dry and therefore making you need some sort of beverage, or it has that kind of stale "i was made 14 hours ago" taste. I'm just saying whats the point? I know it is my fault for picking it, but I am just waiting to have a better experience every time. Down with the powdered demon.

I have gotten some great responses on this and I felt the need to post one of my faves from my good friend Brittany:

"Here's what I hate about powdered donuts, everytime I get one I always inhale right before I take a bite and then the powder gets down my throat and I cough and if I don't inhale, I exhale and then that fucking powder gets all over my face and clothes

JUST SAYING!"

The Button Fly....Why?

2008-12-04T13:03:00.003-05:00

So I have recently bought a couple new pairs of jeans, turns out carpenter jeans are no longer cool, and these jeans have a new aspect that I was not quite used to. Not only is there no place to put my much needed hammer, instead of the good old fashioned zipper fly, the type of fly I have come to know and love, I was stymied when I discovered the dreaded button fly. Now I thought the whole purpose of the fly was so that I did not have to unbutton my jeans, but simply unzip and rock and roll. Now, not only do I have to unbutton my pants, but I have to unbutton 4 other buttons. For the love of god, why is peeing becoming such a task? Then I have the pleasure of having to re-button these bad boys which happen to be in the most awkward buttoning place ever. I'm not saying I don't get it style wise. Sure, I guess it looks cool? Can we not just have fake buttons with a zipper under it? Im just saying. Help me out here Levis.

Weight Watchers

2008-12-04T12:54:00.002-05:00

Do you ever notice anytime someone you know goes on weight watchers it ends up with you just watching them gain weight? Hmmm, I think they need to work on this whole food point system theory.

Bathroom Attendants...Go away!

2008-12-02T15:14:00.008-05:00

First, I just want to say sorry for the long delay on the posts (scott). We will make sure to update regularly. Enjoy the post.

There are very few jobs in this world that I look down upon or really just annoy me. If you are out working, good for you. Make that money. Though for some reason, there is no job that seems more pointless and/or annoying to me than the dreaded bathroom attendant. It is like you are peeing with the constant knowledge that there is a homeless guy behind you begging for change. You know what buddy, I can turn on the sink myself and you know what, I don't need any extra cologne at this point in time. Maybe at a 5-Star restaurant. Then I get it. Do we really need some guy in a nice suite at the Spread Bar bathroom? I will be peeing at least 15 times throughout the night. At what point do I just stop washing my hands all together? I mean if it is an automatic flush I think we are all good. If I need to wash my hands after that, I should be washing my penis. I think we all need to come together and nix this position. It is way too much pressure and overall ruins my 16 seconds of bathroom bliss. I pee fast.

Paul Shaffer Haunts my Dreams

2008-10-22T12:29:00.006-04:00

Being a fan of David Letterman doesn't come without a price. While I do love his dry humor, politically driven monologues, and timeless style, the show has one flawed set back: Paul "I will eat your children" Shaffer. Am I the only one creeped out by this dude? Not only does he look like a combo of Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Matt Hasselback,but he is also constantly yelling into his mic. Could we get that thing turned off for the love of god. We know when Letterman is funny. We don't need Paul coughing laughs into the mic and therefore causing shivers to run down my spine on a nightly basis. Sure, he is a talented musician and we can't take that away, but we can certainly monitor his odd style and involvement in the show so that he doesn't remind everyone of the creepy uncle who gives you gum for your birthday.

Worst Costume Ever?

2008-10-21T17:31:00.003-04:00

It has been a little bit since I have posted, but I must say this got me all worked up. I was cruising some websites trying to find a sweet Halloween costume for my 4 yr old nephew when I stumbled across this gem. http://www.buycostumes.com/Safety-Cone-Child-Costume/32956/ProductDetail.aspx.

Are you seriously telling them they are selling this at all and to top it off for $40? There is some poor child out there who is sitting inside his cone costume while the other kids in their Spider Man and Batman costumes are getting all the candy. Someone please help this poor child out of the cone costume and into some therapy.

Report: Violence Remains Sole Acceptable Expression of Emotion for Heterosexuals

2008-10-12T23:30:00.005-04:00

From right to left: Phil Barnes congratulates Jerry Liu on the birth of his son.

Generation XXX

2008-10-08T00:03:00.009-04:00

In his new book, "The Porning of America," Kevin Scott claims that as many as 85 percent of teens aged 13 to 14 have accessed sexually explicit content at least once.

Here are some of the more surprising ways that teenagers are exposed to sexual materials on a daily basis:

-Flintstones Birth Control Pills

-Marc Jacobs announces that for fall 2008: "booty shorts are the new black"

-Nintendo Wii are going to have sex right now

-If you actually look closely at the box, Count Chocula has an erection

-Unlike previous generations, today's children are born with a bizarre brain malfunction in which they are not cripplingly ashamed of the human body

-2009 Toyota Camry has up to five lube holders

-Today's teens know that there ever comes a day when they don't have constant access to large, glistening breasts, the terrorists have truly won

-Somehow, according to Title 9, handjobs are an official ISHA sport

-Young people of today might be even more promiscuous if it weren't for the principled, righteous examples set by Bill Clinton, Gary Hart, James McGreevey, Gary Condit, Mark Foley, Bob Livingston, Jim West, Larry Craig, Ted Kennedy, Elliot Spitzer, Clarence Thomas, Rudy Giuliani, Barny Frank, Kwame Kilpatrick, Newt Gingrich, Bob Allen, Fred Richmond and Jack Ryan

Outraged Over Playoff Sweep, Cubs Fans Demonstrate Anger By Selling Out Home Games Through 2015

2008-10-06T00:43:00.005-04:00

Held in Relationship for Eight Years, Local Man No Longer Able to Survive in Wild

2008-10-04T17:13:00.006-04:00

Chicago, IL - Wildlife officials Tuesday said that a local man, age 28, was released into the wild after almost eight years in relationship. Experts fear that without food, water and regular sexual activity, he may not be able to survive the harsh Chicago winters that will soon sweep the area.

After some prodding the adult male, named John Weisberg, lumbered down N. Clark Street and into a 7/11 that contained Beef Jerky and Coors Light, the human male's primary diet in the wild. He carries with him the hopes for the survival of the species.

Dr. Zhang Hemin, Director of the Single Male Research Center at Ball State University said Weisberg's long term outlook might still be positive.

"After eight years, his ability to go into the wild is surprisingly good," said Dr. Hemin. "He has adjusted to single-life more rapidly than expected, and the copious pity-sex available to him may be enough to sustain Mr. Weisberg in the short term."

Though, according to his childhood friend Bill Masterson, Weisberg's long term ability to thrive in the natural environment is still very much in doubt.

"The dude literally has lost all ability to talk to women since he started dating Sheela," said Masterson." Seriously, John wouldn't know what to do with new pussy if it literally sat on his face."

Masterson continued: "Like the other night we were at the bar and this girl asked him to buy her a drink. Sounds promising right? Well Johnny Smooth looks right at her and replies: 'Aaalllrighty then.' Alrighty then? An Ace Ventura reference? In 2008? You've got to be fucking kidding me."

For the time being, wildlife officials have fitted Weisberg with a GPS collar, to track his movements throughout the city's Northside. The success or failure of the experiment will have implications for the reintroduction of single males around the world.

As for Weisberg, only time will tell whether he will be able to adjust to his new environment, avoid starvation and reproduce in this often inhospitable urban savanna.

Report: Financial Downturn Not Affecting Chronic Masterbaters

2008-10-01T17:00:00.010-04:00

According to Chicago, IL resident Jim Lovett, plans to vigorously stimulate his own genitals to orgasm are still on course despite the global credit crunch.

Lovett is representative of a major trend in the U.S. released in a report by the FED on Wednesday.

"There is no prospect of masterbating as a whole being mothballed by the current financial difficulties in the country," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson.

Further, while wholesale trade was brisk, public sector job gains in both the tissue and internet service provider industries suggest solid growth in the masterbating sector of the economy.

But don't take that "as a sign of what lies over the balance of the quarter," Paulson warned, noting that consumer retail hand lotion sales were flat, an indication that domestic demand in masterbation may be faltering slightly. "Job loss and economic depression over the long term may negatively effect the average consumer's willingness to 'release the doves' on a regular basis."

For the time being, regular masterbaters like Mr. Lovett will continue to spend time in unlit basements for hours on end--even at the expense of human relationships--despite what could end up being an inhospitable economic climate for auto-eroticism.

Classical economists have recently noted that John Maynard Keynes predicted much of this behavior in his 1936: "The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Firing the Flesh Musket."

Coach Jim Tressel To Team: "The Nightmare's Finally Over, We Can All Go Back To Beating The Shit Out Of Big Ten Teams Now."

2008-09-29T22:21:00.006-04:00

Ask A Forefather: What do you make of the recent financial crisis?

2008-09-26T11:47:00.007-04:00

George Washington

"Arbitrary power is the most easily established on the ruins of liberty abused to licentiousness."

John Adams

"There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty."

James Madison

"A sincere and steadfast co-operation in promoting such a reconstruction of our political system as would provide for the permanent liberty and happiness of the United States."

Thomas Jefferson

"Fuck the financial crisis, where da black bitches at?"

CNN: Your First Stop for Tabloid Journalism

2008-09-23T16:15:00.003-04:00

While the average consumer of internet media has delivered a record number of clicks to sites like CNN.com, the rest of us have noticed a startling trend toward tabloid journalism from the traditional "big names." Here are a few of the latest "breaking" news stories featured on CNN.com from around the world.

"Local Cat Adopts Abandoned Baby Boy"

"Pastor Electrocuted While Judging Youth Chili Cook-Off"

"How Hot is it in Tempe, Arizona? Hot Enough for Murder"

"Rapist Fights Off Burgler"

"In Space, They Don't Have Rocktober"

"Somewhere, Right Now, A White Girl Is Probably Being Kidnapped"

"Baby Pandas! Baby Pandas! Baby Pandas!"

"Child Porn: Is It Making Our Kids Unsafe?"

"Kids Born On 9/11 Have Birthday Ruined...Again"

"The Secret's Out: George Clooney Loves Hot Dogs"

"Which World Leader Has The Most FUPA?"

Post Secret Rejects

2008-09-17T12:30:00.010-04:00

Frank Warren, the artist and founder of the PostSecret project collects secrets anonymously and shares them in books and online.

Warren says he receives about a quarter million secrets, roughly 1,000 a week. He's shared them in four New York Times best-selling books, two traveling exhibits and at www.postsecret.com, a site that gets about a million hits a week.

For the first time ever, Frank has released some of the secrets that weren’t good enough to make it on the site:

And Now For Something Completely Unpopular...

2008-09-17T10:19:00.007-04:00

Entourage is an escapist fantasy that belongs on "The CW." And an unfunny one at that.

"Did you see the last Entourage?"

I discovered the other day that I'm the only person on earth who thinks that the show Entourage is terrible. It's weird, frankly, to discover yourself on a veritable island of personal taste--a bastion of negativity surrounded by a raging party of people delighting in a show so escapist, it makes Mormonism seem grounded. How did this show (that should be entitled "Hey, look how much fun it must be to be rich!") become more popular than pussy, golden retreivers and Facebook all put together?

Because honestly, if you actually broke down the show piece-by-piece, I would estimate that there's about 12 minutes of actual dialogue in the entire program. And what little, always unfunny dialogue does occur, is simply used to set up the next music montage of hot girls and jet-skis. The show is a 45 minute long rap video with white people.

Are we that desperate as a society? Look, I would love to get bottle service while two girls take turns blowing me, too. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and live vicariously through a bunch of bland, fame-whores making averagely witty remarks to each other followed by the fourth music montage of the hour featuring a really cool pool party.

Since Entourage is such an international hit, I have my own idea for a show: It's starring Patrick Dempsey as a a playboy millionaire who solves mysteries with his small, Jewish, comic-relief friend and about 400 aspiring models. The show will be called Cold Hard Cash, with Dempsey playing the main character, Rick Cash. Each episode will consist of a 22 minute, slow-motion, music packed shot of Dempsey getting road-head from a model in his green Enzo as he cruises LA. Then, for the obligatory unbridled hilarity, his less-attractive Jewish friend in the back seat will say "Hey Rick, I thought we were DOING blow in your car, not GETTING blown!" Ha!! And then Rick will look up directions to the next destination on his MacBook Pro with the apple logo facing the camera.

End Scene. I think we've got a hit on our hands.

5 Money Saving Tips to Live in NYC

2008-09-11T16:20:00.006-04:00

Any one who lives in NYC knows it is expensive. The problem with this is that it has killed my dream of how sweet I thought life would be with a steady income. Sadly, most of that income is spent on just living! Here are the top 5 tips and realizations to survive in NYC:

5- Toilet paper= expensive. Go ahead and just grab some toilet paper from your place of work and or a horrible dive bar. Not only is it usually half a roll, but shitty quality as well- Cost: Free!

4- Realizing that eating Ramen in college was not only filling, but economical and you have now stocked your apt with Cup-O-Noodles. Cost: $2 for 3 cups

3- While paying $90 a month seems fantastic to join a gym, f-that, you find the combo of eating your salted noodle soup and taking out the garbage from your 5 story walk up keeps you in shape: Cost: Free!

2- Birthdays and special events are always hard to get around. Presents for friends and family members are just expected in a lot of cases. Solution? Office supplies. Outfitting your Mom's stocking with pencils and your co-workers business cards will warm the heart. Trust me. A mothers love is a beautiful thing. She will understand. Cost: Free, unless you get fired.

1- When going out to beer gardens, bars with a 100 beers on tap, and of course the ever popular mixed drink, you find yourself constantly ordering good old PBR! Thank god for the Midwest and their cheap delicious beer. I mean, it didn't win the blue ribbon for nothing. Cost: $2-$3 a can

Passive Aggressive Wife To Begin Referring to Husband as "The Old Bald and Chain."

2008-09-09T11:50:00.006-04:00

How does "Sarah Barracuda" stack up against vice presidential nicknames of the past?

2008-09-09T11:38:00.004-04:00

A political insider-turned-outsider and the first female governor of Alaska, "Sarah Barracuda," could be a heartbeat away from the presidency, should her 72-year-old running mate win in November.

Here are some other Vice Presidential Nicknames from America’s past:

Elbridge “Pickles” Gerry (1813-1814)

John C. “Dank Nuggets” Calhoun (1829-1832)

Charles “Char-Dog” Fairbanks (1905-1909)

Millard “Old Balls” Fillmore (1849-1850)

Hubert “The Big Green Fucking Machine” Humphrey (1965-1969)

John Nance “Booya” Garner (1933-1941)

William “Crazy Legs” Wheeler (1877-1881)

Adlai E. “He Hate Me” Stevenson (1893-1897)

Spiro “Baron Von Awesome” Agnew (1969-1973)

Dan “Dan” Quayle (1989-1993)

Dick “Just Because I Rock Doesn't Mean I'm Made of Stone” Cheney (2001-2008 )

Phrase of the Month

2008-09-03T16:13:00.003-04:00

For the life of me I cannot remember where I heard this, but I remember loving it the first time as much as I do now. Let me introduce you to the phrase of the month, " Fuck scuse me." Such a phrase can be used in such a wide variety of context and situations that everyone should try and integrate it to their everyday life. Here are some examples:

Question 1: "Hey Brandon, do you know where my pen is?"
Response 1: "Fuck scuse me?"

Question 2: " Hey guys, did someone use my towel this morning?"
Response 2: " Fuck scuse me?"

Question 3: " Are you wearing my boxers?"
Response 3: " Fuck scuse me!"

As you can see the possibilities are endless. Feel free to explore the phrase and post your own examples.

Profiles in Democracy: The Undecided Voter

2008-09-02T14:35:00.009-04:00

The Undecided Voter is a rare breed of American who, despite more than four presidential debates, over 80 separate televised ads and thousands of articles in the mainstream media, still cannot quite make up his or her mind regarding the presidential candidates of 2008. Undecided Voters are sometimes referred to as “Swing-Voters,” “Centrists,” or “Dumb-Fucks.” Such votes are usually sought after in elections, since they--much to the dismay of people who regularly read newspapers--can play a big role in determining the outcome.

Is McCain “Jesusy” enough? What about Obama’s relationship with Osama Bin Laden? These are the kind of hard-hitting, informed questions the Undecided Voter frequently asks him/herself throughout the election cycle. By forming a perfect amalgam of the two candidate’s worst ideas, the Undecided Voter looks to carry on the proud tradition of effectively retarding the election process for the whole country in 2008.

Common examples of swing voters include “Reagan Democrats,” “Clinton Republicans,” and “Julius 'Dr. J' Erving Libertarians.”

The Undecided Voter at a Glance:

Current Occupation: Youth Minister

Exploring Employment in the Fields of: Buying and flipping real estate, day-trading, applying for government grants and falling for a Nigerian Bank Scam

Self-Described Political Views: Fiscally liberal; socially conservative; pro-life; pro-abortion in the cases of rape, incest and freshman year; anti-globalization; anti-union; pro-science; anti-"evilution"; pro-American Idol; anti-welfare; pro-welfare for white people

Disgusted By: Attack Ads

Makes Final Decision Based on Contents of: Attack Ads

Looked Down Upon At: Dinner Parties

Candidate Breakdown:

McCain
Pros: Looks like my granddad, maverickability
Cons: My granddad molested me

Obama
Pros: Will offer change by the fistful
Cons: First, Middle, Last Name

Latest Bin Laden Video Condemns 'Disaster Movie' as "…just one more reason why we hate you guys."

2008-08-28T14:49:00.008-04:00

Osama Bin Laden, accused of being behind a number of atrocities, including the 1998 bombing of two US embassies in East Africa and the attacks on New York and Washington on 11 September 2001, released a video today condemning Jason Friedberg's Disaster Movie.

"This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a "movie" and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film," said Bin Laden in a video that US officials say they believe was shot in Pakistan . "The Infidel will surely pay for this insult."

Also appearing in the video was Saif al-Adel, Bin Laden's security chief.

"I went to a 5:30 p.m. screening. After previews, the movie began some time between 5:44 and 5:47. The closing credits started at 6:47," al-Adel said. "I mean seriously, $10.23 for an hour-long movie? What a freakin rip-off."

The extremist anger comes in large part from fact that the promises of quality, Coen Brothers-style films – made loudly by Western powers at the time of the war against the Taliban regime - are still no more than a pipe dream.

"Disaster Movie is a prime example that capitalism fails to solve any fundamental problems facing the people of the neo-colonial world," said Taliban spokesman Ahmed Shah Masud.

American movies in Afghanistan have been accused of bringing only destruction, poverty and guys getting kicked in the balls using CGI graphics to the war-torn nation.

"Normally, only the Evil Jew can get me this riled up," said Abu Hamza al-Muhajir, successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the militant leader of al-Qaeda. "But this movie was so unbelievably insulting to my intelligence…Allah Be His Name Praised Be He I am so pissed off!"

In a statement released by the White House, President Bush noted that Disaster Movie not only represented "freedom," but that it was a personal favorite in the Bush household. Bush also mentioned that the scene where "Iron Man got kicked in the balls," was "hilarious."

Bin Laden ended the video by asking:

"When will The West stop making these disgraceful movies? When will the lame teens and pre-teens wake up and stop paying to see this crap so they stop making a profit? Anyone could "write" a movie like these guys do. Just watch recent movies, make fun of something by over exaggerating, throw in some fart and boob jokes and there you have it."

No, I'm not going to be your monkey.

2008-08-27T10:11:00.004-04:00

What is it about doing stand-up comedy in particular, as opposed to any other art form, that implies it is ok for people to demand that you tell them jokes on the spot anywhere, at any time? I'm not your monkey, people.

If there is any other art form or occupation where it is standard practice to immediately demand a demonstration then please, let me know. Though I'm pretty sure that people don't go up to doctors and say "Hey, you're a doctor? Well check my prostate then," or "Oh wow, your an artist? Then draw me a picture right now," or "Oh, you work in construction? Well then say something racist for me."

Now, before you get all excited, I'm not saying that all contruction workers are racists...though I am saying that all racists are construction workers.

The Real Axe Effect? Letting everyone around you know that you’re a complete douche bag.

2008-08-25T16:34:00.005-04:00

Looking for a way to inform everyone in your general vicinity that you are a complete and unadulterated ass-clown? Then why not go out and purchase yourself an econo-size can of Axe Body Spray? Not only will this product send a clear and direct message to every female in your zip code that you are about as charming as a nursing home fire, but it will also let them know how little taste in fragrance you think they have.

Because, lets be serious here, it is nothing more than a well known fact that no substance on earth gets a girl’s vagina wetter than a $3 bottle of spray-on deodorant. Yes, that aerosol blend of cat pee and ground up Maroon-5 albums lets every girl in the bar know that you are a true renaissance man.

“Oh yeah,” your girlfriend moaned seductively. “There’s nothing hotter than a man who, when buying cologne, can put down a $5 bill and have enough left over to pick up the latest copy of Maxim.”

So if you feel compelled to all at once insult a woman’s taste in both smell and men, please, by all means go to town on yourself with that liquid-frat-boy aptly named Axe Body Spray.

I love Braveheart, but...

2008-08-25T16:11:00.003-04:00

Let me start off by saying that I love Braveheart. And who doesn't? There was nothing better in the early 90's then the blue face painted, 6 pack dawning, long haired Mel. Though, I have recently watched Braveheart again and noticed something a little odd. In the movie William Wallace is supposed to be around 24/25 give or take. He then falls in love with his childhood crush who is about 21. Am I the only one who thinks Mel clearly looks 40 in this movie? Once I noticed it, I couldn't focus on anything else. I might be way off here though. That damn 6 pack is distracting.

Lice - Still happening huh?

2008-08-21T17:51:00.005-04:00

I was recently walking through my favorite Duane Read today when I noticed something a little odd. The shelf right by the check out counter that usually has the fun toys, gum, and the delicious Almond Joy bars was not as it usually is. Instead, it was three mini rows of lice medicine. I know back in the day we used to get checked for lice in school, but I'm pretty sure I never knew anyone who got it. Is the lice scare still out there? Have I been blind to this ever since I left grade school? If not, please bring back my Almond Joy.

Local Bald Man Just Realized that He Subconsciously Drafted an All-Bald Fantasy Football Team

2008-08-19T15:12:00.005-04:00

National Academy of Sciences Releases Startling Announcement that All of Pastor John Hagee’s Claims are Scientifically Accurate

2008-08-19T14:52:00.011-04:00

In a shocking reversal from accepted scientific knowledge, the National Academy of Sciences, one of the world's most revered scientific bodies, released a statement today announcing that all of pastor John Hagee's claims about the natural world are entirely accurate.

Hagee is the founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, a church with more than 19,000 active members.

“Until now, the National Academy had never seriously investigated any of Pastor Hagee’s assertions,” said Dr. Stephen Hawking, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge. “However, we recently began empirically reviewing his claims one by one and found all of them to be scientifically accurate. Man, talk about your all time backfires."

The National Academy of Sciences has since reversed almost all of their most foundational positions including theories on evolution, the Big Bang and the cause of hurricane Katrina.

“That one really shocked us,” said Professor Edward O. Wilson, Pellegrino University Research Professor in Entomology for the Department of Organismic and Evolutionary Biology at Harvard University. “This whole time we thought that hurricanes were storm systems characterized by a low pressure center and numerous thunderstorms that produce strong winds and flooding rain. But it turns out that Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans as a result of a homosexual parade. I mean that one really blew my fucking mind.”

Other theories posed by Hagee that turned out to be empirically verifiable include that “the average life expectancy for a homosexual in the United States of America is 43 years of age,” that “Charles Darwin is a merchant of the devil,” and that “the rapture will literally take place any minute now.”

“That one was the biggest shocker for me,” said Sir Martin Rees, British Astronomer Royal. “I mean any minute? I gotta start getting my shit together immediately!”

The remainder of the National Academy of Sciences were not available for comment as they were busy getting baptized.

Cockburn? I guess not- tricky Canadians!

2008-08-19T13:57:00.005-04:00

I was watching the Olympics last night and probably one of the best events I have ever seen, trampoline. A couple of competitors went by and it was time for the Canadian hopeful Karen Cockburn. As the name appeared I immaturely chuckled to myself and was ready to move on until the announcer pronounced her name. Karen Cockburn was being pronounced as Karen Cobert. Apparently in Canada if you have a hilariously embarrassing last name you can change the way it is said. I get it. Its Canadian and French. But I mean come on. We all know your real name Karen and we all laughed. Also, my friend John Smallballs should probably be taking notes and move to Canada asap.

Ted can't decide if it bothers him that he and that homeless guy over there are eating the same thing for lunch.

2008-08-18T12:59:00.005-04:00

Chicago Tribune Columnist Enjoys Vacations, Spending Time with Friends, Crowbarring Race into Every Conversation

2008-08-18T12:23:00.003-04:00

Local Chicago Tribune columnist, Dawn Turner Trice, enjoys waking up each morning, sending the kids off to school, eating a hearty-breakfast, and crowbarring race issues into every possible situation.

“My job as a race-issues columnist is a vital one in our race-conscious society,” Trice said. “Whether it’s buying some gum at a convenience store, playing flag-football in the park or even making love to your significant other, race-issues are at the forefront of every American’s mind during every waking hour of the day.”

Trice has been especially active as a result of Senator Barack Obama’s nomination for President of The United States. A few examples of the hard hitting questions on race Trice has recently covered in her column include:

Why are White People So Fascinated by African American Hair?

Is Obama Really A ‘Black Man’ When Some of His DNA Comes From a Caucasian?

What Would Martin Luther King Have Said About The Collapse of Bear Stearns?

“Sometimes, late at night, I worry that I’ve wedged race into every conceivable topic and have nothing left to forcibly and awkwardly inject race-issues into,” Trice said. “But then that Don Imus character says yet another crazy comment and breathes life into my column once more.”

When asked about whether he personally spends time caring about things that Don Imus says, or how Martin Luther King would react to said statements, DePaul film school student Marcel Johnson said: “Um…who’s Don Imus? Sorry I don’t have time to talk, I need to get to class.”

Do more flags mean more fun?

2008-08-18T11:42:00.005-04:00

I mean 6 flags is not necessarily a large amount of flags. If it was 300 Flags Great America, then perhaps you could say more flags more fun. But 6? Is there a 3 Flags Great American somewhere now pissed they have to add more flags to keep up with the fun level? I was recently watching tv and sat pleasantly while a commercial for Six Flags Great America was playing. They were doing a good job of convincing me to come and eat $12 dollar funnel cake and ride some coasters when the commercial ended with their tag line, "More Flags More Fun." Hmmm. I'm just saying.

Minorities to become the majority population by 2042

2008-08-15T14:19:00.005-04:00

In a new report out today, the U.S. Census Bureau projects the nation will become much more diverse by mid-century, with minorities forecast to become the majority population by 2042.

Experts said the emerging demographic shift will have social, economic and political implications, such as:

-National anthem changed to “Dame Mas Gasolina”

-People will start using the expression “Why that’s as American as baseball and orange chicken.”

-Banana Republic mannequins have on baggy sweat pants and the Reebok’s with the straps

-CNN will debate on whether presidential candidate is “Indian” enough to win

-McDonalds to change motto from “Bad da bap ba ba, I’m lovin’ it” to “Bad da bap ba ba, きゃぽだがじゃ”

-Secretary of State? T-Pain.

-Norbit 2: The Thunder Down Underpants wins 4 academy awards including best picture

-Coors Light declares a fatwa against warm beer

-The 453 white people left in the U.S. will continue calling everyone else “minorities”

24 hour bed store. Why?

2008-08-15T11:08:00.003-04:00

I was recently up and out at 4 am. It does not matter why, though it did involve two things legal and three things illegal. Her name was Misty. I was in a cab and I passed by NYC's local bed emporium, Sleepy's. As I rolled past I noticed something a little odd. It was open. Not only was it open, but it boasted a large neon "Open 24 Hours" sign. This brought a variety of thoughts to my head. First being, who the balls is buying a bed past 9 pm. I would think it is safe to say that if you haven't purchased your mattress by midnight, maybe you should just wait till morning. Also, how much would it suck to be homeless and have this store of potential sleep heaven mocking you 24 hours a day. You might as well put a bucket of candy in front of a diabetic. So lets say we relax on the open 24 hours mantra Sleepy's. Besides, how much would it suck to work the 12 am to 7 am shift in a bed store and not be able to sleep.

Riding Bareback: Why Naked Women On Horses Aren't Sexy

2008-08-14T14:26:00.006-04:00

The image is as ubiquitous as it is generally accepted: That a naked woman on a horse is somehow sexy. Am I the only man on earth who thinks this is not only non-sexy, but kind of gross? Ever since that goddamn Lady Godiva hoisted her shapely ass onto a stallion and rode around for reasons that remain unclear to me to this day, men have always universally accepted the idea as somehow sexy.

I mean I guess I can understand why. Who wouldn’t wanna make love to a beautiful woman right after she has spent a considerable amount of time on a sweaty, drooling horse that probably just took a huge shit while she was riding it? Oh yeah baby, you take your most enjoyable parts and press them against the hairy, tick-covered back of a wild animal right before we do it. Because everyone knows that horse-piss mixed with straw and barley is pretty much the biggest aphrodisiac known to man.

I mean honestly what’s next? Taking a bath in a tub full of oysters? Straddling a giant ball of blue cheese? Sitting on a drum of nuclear waste?

Perhaps I sound like too much of a “city-boy” when I say this (which in the South can be roughly translated as “Jew”), but I propose we as men ban together and reject the notion that naked girls riding horses are in any way sexy. Who’s with me? Anyone?

Boil Water in 90 seconds... Really?

2008-08-14T11:57:00.006-04:00

The new Electrolux's stove claims, "Water can now be boiled in 90 seconds." Hmmm, 90 seconds huh. You are telling me that all of a sudden we have developed a stove that can boil water in 90 seconds instead of the usual 7-10 minutes it takes on a regular stove. Am I the only one who thinks this is the most amazing thing ever? Who invented this? Did some one win the Nobel Prize for this? I mean 90 seconds? I'm not sure why this hasn't been on the cover of every scientific journal for the last year, but this seems like a pretty amazing break through to me. Now if someone could lend me $2500 that would be great. I will let you boil water anytime you want.

Dont Stick Your Finger In It

2008-08-13T16:41:00.001-04:00

My office bathroom is quite small and boring. When there are new things added, I take notice. We have recently gotten a new "Fresh Wave Air Neutralizing Crystal" air freshener. It sits right on top of the urinal. Naturally, when you pee a couple times a day you get bored. I decided to see how these "crystals" felt. Well it turns out that these "crystals" are actually little blocks of gel. Gel that sticks to your fingers. Gel that has now stained my finger with the smell of perfume and slime. In conclusion, do not stick your finger in your works crystal looking air freshener. That is all.

Entire City of Chicago Can Sleep Easy Now That White Sox are Back in First Place

2008-08-13T13:58:00.006-04:00

The entire city of Chicago blew a collective sigh of relief Tuesday night as the White Sox overpowered the Kansas City Royals and moved back into first place.

“The White Sox are in first place? Oh.” Said Mike Warren, server at Noodles and Co. on Michigan Ave. “I guess what’s-his-name is finally starting to pitch or hit better.”

Javier Vazquez gave the starting rotation a lift and the bullpen a break with eight shutout innings to lead the Sox to a 9-0 victory. Noted Chicago sports columnist Jay Mariotti exclaimed that “It’s about time that El Caballo came through in the clutch for us. Or wait, is that Carlos Lee? I know he’s El-something…El Niño?”

The excitement was particularly hot on the south side, as 4 of the 12 patrons of The White Sock in Bolingbrook noticed the SportsCenter highlights of the game being played on TV. No one in the establishment asked if the volume could be raised.

Vazquez received ample support even without Carlos Quentin, the American League home run leader with 32--though neither player has been asked to do a single local Chicago advertisement.

After hearing the news of The White Sox squeezing their way back into the lead of a heated American League Central race, local bartender Pete Wendsworth said that he would start taking his children to the games “if ballpark wasn’t in such a ridiculously dangerous neighborhood,” then wondered aloud why exactly this town needs two baseball teams anyway.

Since When Did "Dirty Jobs" Just Become "Jobs"?

2008-08-11T16:19:00.005-04:00

I was watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe the other day and noticed something mildly alarming: Namely, has anyone noticed that lately, Dirty Jobs has just become Jobs?

In a recent episode, our dear friend, regally balding Mike Rowe, was affably occupying his time scraping paint off of a paint truck. Is this what qualifies as a dirty job nowadays? I feel like this is a pretty standard blue collar gig, not particularly dirty at all. I mean, I’m the least manly person I know who actually has functioning male genitalia and even I’ve done some paint scraping in my day.

The cherry on top of the WTF Sunday was his latest “dirty job”: a package handler who loads boxes into a truck. I mean come on!! What horribly disgusting ordeal will Mike Rowe put himself through next? Claims adjuster? Attorney at law? Perhaps an amateur bird photographer?

The last time I checked, mortician, nursing home orderly and porn fluffer haven’t been featured on the show yet and should come WAY before Mike Rowe finds himself doing work normally associated with high school sophomores and smoking weed in the break room.

If you’re going to call your show “Dirty Jobs” then do some jobs that involve acts so terrifying, so gruesome, that cleaning up the spot I was sitting in while watching the program counts as a dirty job.

Haircut in peace?

2008-08-06T14:00:00.003-04:00

So maybe everyone else goes and gets their hair cut at the same place every time they need a trim. You've been friends with your barber since you were 4. You love nothing more than walking in and hanging around at the shop, laughing it up and talking about the good ole days. Great...for you. Am I the only one who hates talking with my barber? Personally, I have been switching up barbers for as long as I can remember. From high school, to college, to present day, there have been quite a few. Every time I go in, one thing stays them same. I dread the awkward and sometimes painful conversations that take place while getting your hair did. Not only is there usually some sort of loud buzzing machine next to your ear, the foreign barber usually has a thick accent which makes any casual conversation an exercise in translation. It ends up being me constantly nodding and smiling, or saying, "what?" while trying to keep my nod steady enough for him to compensate for. I propose we open a barber shop where you can check a "talk" or "no talk" box when you walk in. That way, I can finally get my haircut in peace. Who is with me?!

The World Is At Your Fingertips

2008-08-05T15:20:00.000-04:00

"After five years' travel," veteran guidebook writer Geoff Crowther once recalled, "most of us went feral." So did the books they wrote. Jammed into backpacks, ripped into pieces, guidebooks escape into the wild to get lost or abandoned for the next edition. Here are a few classic guidebooks that have stood the test of time:

Traveling Through Europe on Only $4,300 a Day

Seriously, What the Balls Are You Thinking?
A Guide to the Sights and Sounds of Saudi Arabia

Take What You Want, but for God’s Sake Leave the Children
A Guide to the Landscape and Manners of Bogota, Columbia

We Don’t Take Kindly To Your Kind Round’ Here
Offbeat Travels Through America's South

When Life Gives You AIDS, Make Lemonades
Traveling Through Africa by Truck, Bus, Boat and Camel

Getting Stoned In Iran
It Turns Out That Means Something Totally Different Over There

Clogged Highways, Clogged Arteries: A Journey into America’s Heartland

Southeast Asia from A-Z
You’ll Come for the Child Prostitutes, You’ll Stay for the Child Slaves

The Principal Navigations, Voyages and Discoveries of the English Nation, Otherwise Known as the Butt-Fuck of the Natural World

Do yoga? Lie about it.

2008-08-05T11:06:00.000-04:00

Yes, I dabble in yoga. Am I proud of it? Not necessarily. But the fact is, it's close to my apt, it's a good work out, it's basically free, and there is hot NYU ass all over the place. It is something I don't hide, but don't really discuss too often, especially with co-workers. Then it happened, I was walking to yoga and of course, I passed one of my good guy friends from work. We engaged in a standard stop n' chat convo. I knew it was a matter of seconds before he asked me what I was doing. With out fail, he asked. I, being the quick thinker I am, responded by saying, "Just going to work out." He responded with "Uh, yoga?" Forgetting that my yoga mat was sticking 2 feet out of my back pack, I proceeded to tell a minor manly fib and all would be fine. I denied the yoga, and was once again called out. I causally and uncomfortably laughed realizing my fault and admitted to my stretching and spirit calming work out to ensue. Moral of the story you ask? If you are ever going to do a slightly embarrassing work out, make sure all equipment and evidence is fully hidden in a bag before you lie about it.

Subtly Undermining Relationships Key to Hooking Up With Co-Workers

2008-08-04T12:40:00.000-04:00

We’ve all been there--the freakishly hot girl in the cube next to you, who has now come to trust you as a friend who she can “totally say anything to.” Since the two of you spend an inordinate amount of time together, and she has an ass you would enjoy putting your face into for periods lasting up to three hours, it is not only normal, but quite common, for you to want to make a move at some point (and by “at some point” I mean during every waking hour including while you guys were watching the nail-pulling scene in Syriana).

Alas, there lies but one obstacle on your way to glory: the well-rounded, affable boyfriend. Under almost any other circumstance (and lighting, for that matter) you are about as well equipped to win this one as (insert simile pairing George W. Bush and a situation requiring him not to be a fucking idiot). However, you have one solid advantage to your credit: namely, the sheer amount of time you are together with your shapely co-worker. So, my friend, what you are going to do is use that time to your advantage and subtly undermine that hapless boyfriend every chance you get. Now, you can’t be too obvious, otherwise you will risk tipping your hand. The key here is to be as subtle and delicate as possible while at the same time taking a huge shit in the flower-bed of their relationship. Now, you may be thinking to yourself: “Hey, wait a second here, my potential rival is not really a bad guy and deserves his hot girlfriend/my co-worker. Who am I to sabotage someone’s actual life?” The only answer I can give is that if you are thinking that to yourself, you’re probably gay and have a whole new set of problems to worry about (how to tell your parents, having to move to Wrigleyville, etc).

Ok, so now that we’ve all decided to move forward with this, here are some of the various techniques that are commonly used when trying to commit a terrorist attack on another man’s life:

The Bullshit Statistic: A well placed, made-up statistic is a perfect way to create some separation. Because hey, who can argue with science?
Her: My boyfriend will have to travel a lot for his job once he gets promoted.
You: I heard that 40% of relationships end in divorce once one of the people starts traveling for work.

The Unintended Irony: This is one of the premier dick-moves available on the relationship sabotaging market. You can say something totally inappropriate by giving a misguided compliment.
Her: Here’s a pic of me and the bf on vacation.
You: Oh my god check out the shirt he’s wearing!! Hilarious!! Your bf must have such a good sense of humor!

The Anecdote: To a man, anecdotal evidence is a garbage way to make a point, but to a girl, it might as well have been rigorously peer-reviewed and then calibrated by English scientists.
Her: I found porn in my boyfriend’s computer.
You: We found porn on one of my friend’s computers and he turned out to be a sex-addict.

The Tangling Alliance: Much like during The Great War, you must align yourself with her on every argument, no matter how retarded it is.
Her: Me and my boyfriend got into an argument because I said that There Will Be Blood was stupid and boring.
You: I would never see a gay movie like that in the first place.

Pure Desperation: ‘Nuff Said.
Her: Hey, whats up?
You: I saw your boyfriend fucking some girl in the bathroom stall at Sheffield’s.

By employing any combination of these finely tuned techniques, you should be well on your way to manipulating two people’s lives like Gappetto on 5-hour Energy Drink and crystal meth.

Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

2008-08-01T14:45:00.000-04:00

Red Cross investigators concluded last year in a secret report that the Central Intelligence Agency’s interrogation methods for high-level Al-Qaeda prisoners constituted torture. While the major methods of torture have been well documented, The Red Cross also released a list of the “lesser known” methods of torture that the CIA experimented with in the aftermath of 9/11. These methods included:

-Being locked in a room with someone who’s favorite movie is Gladiator for up to 30 minutes.

-Playing the terrorists in NHL ’97 and using the trick where if you skate across the red line while shooting you score every time.

-Having to show up at the Abu Ghraib Usual Suspects theme party dressed as Kevin Pollack.

-Allowed to start own fantasy football league but then forced to pick Mark Brunell #1 overall.

-Tea-Bagging

-Made to look into the camera and say that the Koran is pretty good, but Katy Perry is out of this world.

-Having to sit through the World Famous Tommy Bartlett Water Show only to leave right before the grand finale.

-Get to see the new Batman movie except Heath Ledger is digitally replaced with Jeff Goldbloom.

-Two Terrorists, One Cup

Zagat...fail

2008-08-01T11:21:00.000-04:00

At one point, having a Zagat plaque in your restaurant window stood for excellence. It was a badge of culinary honor, and was certainly noticed and respected by customers. Well, it seems that Zagat has gotten a little trigger happy if you will. I was walking down the street the other day in NYC and noticed that almost every single restaurant we passed had a Zagat plaque. I mean come on, Ray's Falafel? Its good, but gold plaque good? I don't think so Zagat. Lets try and pull back on the " everyone gets a turn" motto and get back to business.

Tags:
zagat NYC fail

New Marijuana Bill

2008-07-31T17:24:00.001-04:00

Rep. Barney Frank introduced a House bill Wednesday that would end federal penalties for Americans carrying fewer than 100 grams, or about a quarter-pound, of marijuana.

Lets go to our man on the street with comments from the general public:

“This measure will only inflame my crippling addiction to masturbating.” Jim Johansen, Firefighter

“As a Christian, I must say that this bill will make the 700 Club not only more enjoyable, but actually make Pat Robertson’s statements seem almost plausible.” Friedrich Von Meisner, CFA

“Unleashing a non-addictive, mild hallucinogen right here in America? But what about the children? For God’s sake, someone think of the children!” Susie Orlofsky, Homemaker

“That’s weird, cause' up until this point the only thing I thought Barney Frank smoked was pole.” Michael Yu, Student

Just a bit less cologne please...

2008-07-30T13:23:00.000-04:00

Sure, everyone was rocking the Cool Water and Polo Sport back in the day. Cologne used to be one of those things you wore for the ladies and wore to impress. Personally, I was a fan of the three pumps in the air, followed by the walk through the mist move. Ahh those were the days. Recently though, I have noticed a hatred towards cologne wearers, and I have found myself hopping on board the hate train ( yes I said hate train). The moment someone walks past me and my nose is filled with the intense smell of whatever the choice of the day is, I find myself wanting to maybe hand you a wet nap. I mean, can you not smell how much you have on? You cologne wearers took something fantastic and now you are ruining my train ride. If you need that much cologne, I would suggest rocking another shower and maybe just the good ole single spray.

Urlacher Leads Team In "Je Ne Sais Quoi"

2008-07-30T12:36:00.000-04:00

Brian Urlacher agreed to a one-year contract extension with the Chicago Bears that would keep the six-time Pro Bowl linebacker with the National Football League team through 2012.

“We would never miss an opportunity to make this versatile, knowledgeable and white player a part of our team for many years to come,” said Jerry Angelo, general manager for the NFL's Chicago Bears franchise. “The rumors about Brian having a bad back are completely untrue. This year he’ll be back to his old self—making tackles and being Caucasian.”

Urlacher, 30, led the Bears with 158 tackles last season, with almost three of those tackles made without the help of African-American linebacker, Lance Briggs. Coach Lovie Smith said Urlacher was "healthy, 100 percent'' after off-season neck surgery. “And by 100 percent I mean 100 percent white.”

Urlacher, who leads the team in salary, endorsements and publicity, attributes his success to what he calls “a certain something.” “I mean yeah I’ve suffered from a bad back and average play in the past, but who is Gatorade gonna market in Chicago, Tommy Harris? I think not.”

Superman...Kind of a Dick?

2008-07-29T10:23:00.000-04:00

I think that Superman, when you really think about it, is kind of an asshole. I realize this may seem rather harsh at first until you take a moment to really think about what a myopic, selfish person he really is. The reason I make this contentious statement is that Superman, the most powerful person in the world--neigh, the universe--pretty much only uses his powers to save the city of Metropolis from a series of misdemeanor crimes. I mean his battles with Lex Luthor aside, what's a typical day in the life of Superman like? Stopping a mugging here, saving a baby from a fire there...these are small potatoes!! What an unbelievably narrow minded, astigmatic way to go about saving the world.

In fact, it always boggles my mind that when he saves people from getting mugged they don't just turn to him and say: "Um...wow Superman, thanks for breaking up that horrible mugging. If it weren't for you I might have lost up to 26 dollars there. You're probably right, fuck all of the people being slaughtered in Darfur, as long as I don't have to renew my drivers license the world is a better place." "Phew!! Superman, how can we ever repay you for stopping that bank robbery? Never mind all of the people you just let die in that tsunami in Malaysia, make sure you spend all of your time stopping crimes that are federally insured by the FDIC, so that when they happen nobody really loses any money. Oh yeah and by the way, doesn’t the FBI solve like 90% of bank robberies anyway?"

Seriously, is this the kind of superhero we want our kids to look up to? Hey Superman, I have this crazy idea, why don't you go ahead and leave Mr. Whiskers in the fucking tree, pull your head out of your own ass for one second, and do something about the energy crisis.

Faithbook

2008-07-28T22:29:00.000-04:00

There's a new faith-based social networking site called Faithbook, and it must be really hard to explain if you have a lisp.

No spooning Tom Hanks?

2008-07-28T11:55:00.001-04:00

So I just watched the movie BIG this weekend. It's a fantastic movie, but there is something just doesn't sit well with me. Tom Hanks' character, Josh, is supposed to be 12 or 13, right? He gets this hottie older woman in his apt for a sleep over and he doesn't even try to make a move? I mean, I know he is young, but around 13, the pubescent mind of a kid is dangerous. He just hops onto the top bunk, gives her a glow in the dark ring, and hits they hay. I'm not saying I would have gone for gold, but come on...a little spooning would have gone a long way back in Jr. High.

Do What Tastes Right

2008-07-28T11:43:00.000-04:00

I went to Wendy’s for lunch yesterday…and by the way, one sure-fire way you can tell that you’ve made all the right choices in life is if you’re entering a Wendy’s while the sun is still out--a time usually associated with consuming nutrition to help your body function as intended. Anyway, I’m sitting there, looking up at the menu, thinking about which masochistic choice I’m going to make when I saw, in all it’s glory, the Wendy’s motto: “Wendy’s: Do What Tastes Right.” Do what tastes right…is that not literally the worst dietary advice you could give to another human being? I mean seriously why don’t they go ahead and just change their motto to “Wendy’s: Ah, Fuck It.” Thank God whoever wrote that awful ad-copy didn’t decide to go into Sex Ed. “You know what kids, my advice to you is to just go ahead and do what feels right.”

Leave the Spicy Chicken Sandwhiches!

2008-07-25T16:05:00.000-04:00

So maybe it's just my place of employment, but people at my office perform what I consider one of the weirdest workplace maneuvers I have seen: co-workers tend to order lunch or go pick it up. Standard. What happens next is still a mystery to me. If they do not want a part of their lunch, whether it is a small soup or salad, from sushi to fries from Wendy's, or even whole sandwiches they couldn't finish, they leave the food out on a table in our break room. This is to show, "Hey, fair game for anyone who wants it," and people take them! There was a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's sitting on the table all day until someone said, "Whoa, is that sandwich up for grabs?" I let them know it was there all day, but alas they snatched it up as if it was the key to Fort Knox. Listen, I love free stuff more than anyone I know (see me wearing a free Diet Pepsi necklace from the 2007 gay pride parade), but for some reason, I can't come to grips with this. It's not even in the fridge. Anyway, if you would like free spicy chicken sandwiches twice a month, come and camp out in my break room.

Please Stop Bringing Mikes Hard Lemonade as Party Favors

2008-07-24T16:38:00.001-04:00

So here in NYC, when you go to someone's house for some drinks, or even a party, everyone tends to bring a six pack of beer, throw it in the fridge, and share. It usually works out great. 6-10 people provide 36-60 communal beers. It's perfect for some pre-drinking or a friendly get together. Well I have news for you, not everyone brings beer. There have now been 2 separate occasions in the last month where someone had the balls to bring a 40 of Mike's Hard Lemonade and put it in the fridge. I mean come on. What goes through your head in the liquor store? Do you honestly look at the Mike's and proclaim, "perfect! I'll be the hit of the party."... Just selfish.

The High Five is Not Dead

2008-07-24T16:06:00.000-04:00

I know what you're thinking.. I just graduated college and I have to leave so many great things behind...copious amounts of free time, flip cup with 18 yr olds, beer pong, and of course the one and only high five. While it is tough for the ole mid day drink when you're filling out TPS reports, the high five does not have to die. Hand shakes might be dominating the work place, but if you really want to have some fun start throwing co-workers high fives... if you're lucky, they wont know how to react which leaves for an always entertaining/awkward hand to hand touch... Eventually, they will love you for it.

Welcome All

2008-07-24T14:36:00.001-04:00

Foregone Conclusions is a forum for ideas and thoughts regarding public policy, current events and pop culture. It is meant to be either insightful or hilarious, depending on which one you think it is.