The Real World: Singapore, Part IV - Christmas Vacation!

Just like the Griswold's, only Jewier.

Hi, friends! Welcome back to the Real World: Singapore! In our most recent and least demanded edition yet, we'll be sharing stories and pics of Christmas break through the new year. The Singapore Tureff's were treated during this time with a visit from the Northbrook Tureff's and non-stop fun and frivolity was had by all!

She might look calm on the surface but you have no idea how much frivolity was going on inside.

A quick aside: Some of you may notice that in the pictures to come, my general physique has taken on the shape, color and texture of a sea scallop.

Not to say that I can't still bring the sexy from time to time.

"But Mike, what has led to this precipitous decline in your physique, the same one that was once the toast of three continents?"

I'll tell you what: Bee Cheng Hiang, that's what!!

This sinister treat, much like crack in west Baltimore, is sold on virtually every street corner in Singapore. It's basically a coin made out teriyaki bacon and if I can't stop eating it soon I might have to seek out some sort of support group that helps people quit this pork-based currency (or as I call it, "The Devil's Hanukkah Gelt").

Moving right along, The Northbrook Tureff's arrived in Singapore right in time for Christmas, and the city did not let them down decoration-wise. Now I know what you're thinking:

"Why does Mike think I give a shit about his boring travel photos?"

No. Not that thing. The other thing.

"Oh. I didn't realize that Singapore gets all decked out for Christmas."

That's the one.

Being the multicultural, worldly city that it is, Singapore gets decked out for Christmas, Chinese New Year and Other People's Holidays That I've Never Heard Of.

I have to say, at this point I'm pretty used to living in Singapore. But one thing that definitely reminded me that I wasn't in Chicago/Seattle anymore was experiencing a Christmas and New Years in 88 degree weather at night.

The next day we hopped into a cab headed over to the place every red-blooded man wants to check out as soon as he is in a new city: The Singapore Orchid Garden.




Even though I'm not really a "flower guy," it was actually pretty nice with tons of flora that one does not usually see very often.

For example, I hadn't seen this particular type of flower since my bachelor party.



This is the type of humor one finds amusing when you've been trapped in an Orchid Garden for upwards of three hours.

Next on the agenda was the zoo. We definitely packed in every day with the highest amount of activity allowable by our bodies. This ensured not only that every possible moment was filled with memorable experiences but that the maximum level of irritability was reached by each member of our party at the end of the day. A typical end of day conversation between two Tureff's would sound something like:

"Hey, do you want to see if we can head over to that dessert place we passed before it closes?"

"Seriously, and I can't stress this enough, go fuck yourself."

We covered the zoo in the last blog entry so I'll just breeze through a few pics:

Once again, when you've done several full days touristing with your family, you tend to just break down mentally. This can, among other things, end up with your father catching you having a conversation with a lemur.

You know you've drawn the short straw as a monkey when they put you on trash duty.

The next day was started with a quick trip to Lau Pa Sat for lunch.

Lau Pa Sat is a hawker stall center in the middle of downtown. Its a great place to sample a bunch of different kinds of local Singaporean food for about $3-5US. It is a really cool, 100 year old building with Victorian architecture -- columns and all. Places like this are what I like most about Singapore.

After lunch we headed over to the Raffles Hotel -- one of the most iconic places in Singapore.

The Raffles Hotel is a huge, colonial-style Victorian hotel that was built in 1887. It has an amazing history of European colonial rule, Japanese occupation and eventual transformation into a luxury hotel and museum.

And if that's not enough, there are dudes dressed like this.

When you hate asking strangers to take pictures of you, you end up with your wife standing alone in front of a shitload of fountains.

One of the main reasons we went to the Raffles Hotel was so that my dad could fulfill his dream of visiting the Long Bar. The Long Bar is one of the most famous bars in the world and it's where British and American spies used to come during World War II and do spy related things. Also, Ernest Hemingway used to drink Singapore Slings there and contemplate how awesome his beard was, among other concerns. This is the space where I would normally make a joke about how it was a weird coincidence because "Mike Longbar" also happened to be my gay porn name in the 90's -- but I'm far to mature for that now.

Some other things happened while we were in Singapore, including:

Chili crab!

Buddhist temples!

New Years!

Dancing Asian cowboys!!

After a great and not in the least bit relaxing time in Singapore, it was time to move on to uncharted territory: Hong Kong and Macau!!

We landed in Hong Kong early in the morning and went to our hotel, which was in Kowloon, overlooking Victoria Harbor.

You'll have to forgive the picture quality in Hong Kong and Macau. The entire time we were there it was damp, hazy and very foggy.

With some time to kill before heading to Macau, we decided to hit the streets and get a vibe for the neighborhood we were staying in. So we hit up an outdoor market about 3 blocks from our hotel.

Chinese cuisine seems to be centered around a deep seeded hatred for ducks. And yes those are giant orange squid hanging from a hook.

In all honesty the food in Hong Kong was fantastic and there was very little we refused to shove into our fat American faces. We sampled it all, from the authentic:


To the not quite as authentic:

Wrapped around every building that was under construction was a network of scaffolding wrapped in tarp, just like in the US. However, in China the scaffolding is made entirely of bamboo wrapped together with string.

This went for buildings a few stories high all the way up to 65 story high rises.

This is what is referred to in the construction business as a "shitload" of bamboo.

While this seemed surprising at first it actually made a lot more sense once I saw one of the construction workers.

"Sup."

No matter where you went, from the artsiest hipster neighborhood, to the outdoor markets, traditional medicine stores were everywhere. They definitely offered some interesting ideas on how to treat common ailments.

For example, hanging this root (only HK$20,000) in your house will ward off numerous illnesses.


I would totally have bought something except for the fact I didn't know how to say, "Excuse me, sir, do you happen to sell anything that doesn't bear a strong resemblance to a mummy's penis?" in Chinese.

Now, feel free to laugh at that joke as much as you want as long as you have never sought out medical treatment at any of the following places:

If you have, you are not only not allowed to laugh at anyone's traditional medicine ever again, but you need to go stand in the corner for 30 minutes and think about what you've done.

Too preachy? Fair enough.

All in all this next picture to me most encapsulates my experience in Hong Kong.

Hong Kong (and China in general) seems to be a country in many stages of development all right up against each other. The traditional and the modern, the poor and the rich, the new and the old all literally pushing each other up for support. In the foreground of this picture there is a shanty-town group of shops, which are overlooked by a group of apartments that are old and crumbling, which are in turn overlooked by 65 story modern high-rises made of glass.

Oh, and by the way they have 2 gallon bottles of whiskey.

Sam's Club, eat your heart out.

After that we took a boat ride to Macau, which is essentially the "Las Vegas" of China.

Oh, casinos, you look tacky and awful no matter what country you're in.

Interestingly enough, Macau was actually a Portuguese colony until 1999. The result being that while it has the usual Chinese feel to it:


If you looked upwards you would notice that all of the buildings were 18th and 19th century Portuguese architecture.

Note: Jacketwear provided by Matt Reinhart

On the last day of our trip, the women of the group headed over to the ladies' market (which I honestly believe is lady-code for a male strip club) while my dad and I had a few adult beverages and got hand-made suits from Raja Fashions.

By the way if Raja himself tells you to go with lilac:

Then by god you go with lilac. Unfortunately they weren't able to do anything about the fact that I look like a walking Amber Alert.

Ok, we have reached the upper limits of my desire to write anymore. I'll whip up a supplementary post to throw in a few more gems that weren't included in a few days.

Like tastefully nude shots of Foxy, for example.

Or a 2 inch deep puddle of BBQ sauce that Sam stepped in. Those are her BBQ sauce footprints leading away from the puddle.

Until then, thank you to the Northbrook Tureff's for traveling around the world and showing us a great time.

We hope everyone else is doing well back home and can't wait to see everyone soon.

End.

The Real World: Singapore, Part III - Nature!

Alright! Your favorite ex-pats are back for another addition of The Real World: Singapore!! This latest and perhaps least interesting installment will cover our new neighborhood, as well as include some of our most marginally entertaining nature photographs to date!! At what point will I stop using exclamation marks! Who knows!!

This is the view from our new apartment on Kim Seng Walk. Our little neighborhood is called Great World City, which sounds like a future mega-city in an early 90's action movie. Every time I tell a cab driver to head towards Great World City I feel like Sly Stalone is going to tell me that he is, in fact, "the law."

Our new place is situated perfectly in between Little India and Chinatown. You can find Sam and I eating dinner at one of these two neighborhoods pretty much every night. In fact, in approximately 30 minutes we will be deciding whether to eat this:

This is my go-to meal from Ananda Bhavans. Its Biryani rice with a side of Other Items. As a side note, one of these items is, as the ancient Hindu mystics used to put it, "really fucking spicy." I'll let you try and guess which one it is.

Or the Undisputed Champion of Deliciousness:

I was disheartened to learn there are very few Kosher options at Piggy Porky.

One thing that is found abundantly in pretty much every neighborhood in Singapore is sugar-juice. Literally. A popular drink here that many people have with dinner is made from fresh-squeezed sugar cane. I don't know how liquid comes out of what looks like bamboo shoots, but I guess it does.

You know if you ordered fresh squeezed sugar cane for breakfast in the US they would serve it in a really tiny glass.


I would say that pound-for-pound, Little India is our favorite neighborhood in Singapore. There is bar-none, the best food I've ever had, cheap booze, some decent bars and tons of great local shops. All in all, as a white man I find that pretty much every time I go there I experience a full on authenticity-gasm.

One thing to keep in mind is that cars do not care what is in front of them and will NOT break for minor inconveniences like "road debris," "red lights," or "human beings." I am very sad to report that if Sam fell in the middle of the street I would have no choice but to leave her behind. There's just no sense in us both dying.

Walking around is easy because no matter where you are, there are always helpful signs to guide you on what to do or where to go.

For example this sign is there to help you if you need to know how to tenderly make love to a man.

During August, many Indians celebrated the high spirited festival of Onam. Onam has many beautiful customs and traditions that have been handed down for generations. Unfortunately, I don't know any of them. But I did go to a temple during this time to see what all the fuss was about.

This is a picture of Sam with Mario's nemesis, Wario.

There is an indescribable amount of tradition going on in this photograph. You can thank me later for broadening the living shit out of your horizons.

Moving on, one interesting feature of our new neighborhood are foot-massage stone strips that people can stand on while waiting for the train.

These stone massage stations are a great place to relax, clear your head and possibly pick up foot and mouth disease on your way home from a hard day.

Its hard to enjoy this particular relaxation station though because of its proximity to a Durian stand. This stand is literally right below the stones and the entire area smells like a perfect mix of popcorn and dead animal.

The horror....the horror....

In other news, we had our first visitor, Zack Tureff!!! With our new buddy in town we had so much fun I don't even think it can possibly be summed up in pictures.


We took him to see many magical Singapore things that you too might one day experience as long as you agree to a short 24 hour flight across the planet Earth! I know it sounds like a laughably arduous and expensive journey, but once you get here you can forget your troubles and....

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

One thing thats actually pretty sweet about living here is the fact that you can enjoy the tropical beaches pretty much all to yourself. This is because many people in Singapore hate the sun and everything it stands for. In many cultures, pale skin is associated with wealth or attractiveness or something -- to the point where many people walk around with umbrellas during the day to blot out the sun. The result being that Mikey T and company can enjoy Singapore's beaches essentially uninhibited.

This is Zack and I exploring the unexpectedly large space at noon on a Saturday. Both fun and frivolity occurred over the next few hours.

One thing that's interesting about the beach is what lies just offshore.

Hurray for industry!

Ok, on to the flora and fauna!! As you are I'm sure aware, Singapore is an equatorial, tropical island nation. As such, its inhabitants live side by side with the natural environment it total harmony that is never at any time less than peaceful.

Moving along....nothing to see here.

Seriously though, the plants and animals have been a huge high point for us during our stay here in Singapore. Here are a few of our island friends we've met so far.

Ok, this is Foxy running around in the rain forest. I only bring her up because several people have come up to us, saying that she looks like a "mousedeer." Well, we finally saw a mousedeer the other day and you can decide for yourself if there is some resemblance.


They do have the same nugget body, I guess.

One highlight of Zack's stay was our trip to the zoo. The Singapore zoo was not only a really fun experience but it was a microcosm of everything I like about this country. What I am specifically referring to is the fact that pretty much any animal at the zoo that (probably) won't kill you is open to the public. Because its a lot harder to sue people here, coupled with the fact that the people actually behave like civilized human beings, they open things up to the public that would probably not be aloud in the U.S.

This is the kind of thing I'm talking about. These orangutans just were just sitting out in the open and you could just walk up and feed them. In America someone drunk asshole would throw a beer bottle at them within 5 seconds of letting them out of the cages. Then, one of these lovely, 200 pound ladies would promptly rip his arm off and he would win a 5.5 million dollar class action law suite against the zoo.

Whereas in Singapore you just buy a piece of celery, hand it to the baby monkey and move on with your day.

Or feed the giraffes. By the way, "feeding" is a fairly liberal way of describing what is happening here. "Taking," is probably a more accurate description. Try waiving a carrot in front of a giraffe and see if you can hold on to it for more than 1 second.

These next few pics are of my favorite part of the zoo. It was just a giant bio-dome that you can walk through with about 15(?) different animals that are completely free to do whatever they want. Once again I think this is something that wouldn't be possible in the U.S.

Much like Jurassic Park, the zoo has to figure out a way to keep the animals in this exhibit close to the people. The way they do that is that many of the trees have little platforms on them that leak fruit juice. This keeps the animals entertained so they don't occupy their time with other things, like ripping your face off.

This is Sam having a contest with a bird to see who can trust who less.

Plants!!! Being a tropical island, Singapore also has many plants, some of which do not even want to poison you. My favorite plants here are the trees. They are both old and large.

This is a famous sculpture because that marble ball is somehow suspended using water in such a way that you can spin it. Foxy showed her appreciation by drinking some of the water.

This tree is interesting because it looks weird.

Look, if you want commentary from Sir David Attenborough then you should go rent Seas of Life, asshole.

I've seen this type of plant all around Singapore. It sits on top of things and sends its roots down to the ground.

Apparently, if one of the branches is an outlier it makes the banzai tree much more valuable. The only flaw in this logic is that you have to care about banzai trees for that value to exist.

Ok, I hope it hasn't been as tedious to read this as it has been to write. We hope everyone is doing well at home. Talk to you soon!

Fin.