Thanks, Safeway

Upon paying my bill of $130 at the local Safeway grocery store, I was handed a coupon. "Just a little thanks from us, letting you know how much we value you as a customer," Safway seemed to be telling me. I then turned over the coupon, eager to read all about the journey of savings I was about to embark on. "$1 Off Minute Made Grape Drink," read the coupon. It also expires in 4 days. Well gee whiz, with mind blowing savings like that, you would have to be crazy not to shop at Safeway for every possible need or want.

Here are some other promotional ideas I've thought up that I think would be equally useful to the average consumer.

-1 cent off Johnson and Johnson's Anal Cancer Causing Cream

-Two tickets to Glenn Beck's Common Sense Comedy Tour with purchase of $500 or more

-Half price on any single one way ticket to Cambodia only redeemable on Christmas Eve

-Free Shit Sandwich

-6 jars of Baconaise for the price of 7

-Buy 17 jars of Del Monte Mixed Fruit and we'll drive to your kid's high school and tell the other children to stop calling him a faggot all the time

-With two shopping trips in one week receive a Major League Baseball Autographed by John Edwards

-Buy anything in the store and we'll rape the shit out of you

-Receive one PC with Windows with any gallon of milk