Chicago, IL - Wildlife officials Tuesday said that a local man, age 28, was released into the wild after almost eight years in relationship. Experts fear that without food, water and regular sexual activity, he may not be able to survive the harsh Chicago winters that will soon sweep the area.
After some prodding the adult male, named John Weisberg, lumbered down N. Clark Street and into a 7/11 that contained Beef Jerky and Coors Light, the human male's primary diet in the wild. He carries with him the hopes for the survival of the species.
Dr. Zhang Hemin, Director of the Single Male Research Center at Ball State University said Weisberg's long term outlook might still be positive.
"After eight years, his ability to go into the wild is surprisingly good," said Dr. Hemin. "He has adjusted to single-life more rapidly than expected, and the copious pity-sex available to him may be enough to sustain Mr. Weisberg in the short term."
Though, according to his childhood friend Bill Masterson, Weisberg's long term ability to thrive in the natural environment is still very much in doubt.
"The dude literally has lost all ability to talk to women since he started dating Sheela," said Masterson." Seriously, John wouldn't know what to do with new pussy if it literally sat on his face."
Masterson continued: "Like the other night we were at the bar and this girl asked him to buy her a drink. Sounds promising right? Well Johnny Smooth looks right at her and replies: 'Aaalllrighty then.' Alrighty then? An Ace Ventura reference? In 2008? You've got to be fucking kidding me."
For the time being, wildlife officials have fitted Weisberg with a GPS collar, to track his movements throughout the city's Northside. The success or failure of the experiment will have implications for the reintroduction of single males around the world.
As for Weisberg, only time will tell whether he will be able to adjust to his new environment, avoid starvation and reproduce in this often inhospitable urban savanna.
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