Profiles in Democracy: The Undecided Voter

The Undecided Voter is a rare breed of American who, despite more than four presidential debates, over 80 separate televised ads and thousands of articles in the mainstream media, still cannot quite make up his or her mind regarding the presidential candidates of 2008. Undecided Voters are sometimes referred to as “Swing-Voters,” “Centrists,” or “Dumb-Fucks.” Such votes are usually sought after in elections, since they--much to the dismay of people who regularly read newspapers--can play a big role in determining the outcome.

Is McCain “Jesusy” enough? What about Obama’s relationship with Osama Bin Laden? These are the kind of hard-hitting, informed questions the Undecided Voter frequently asks him/herself throughout the election cycle. By forming a perfect amalgam of the two candidate’s worst ideas, the Undecided Voter looks to carry on the proud tradition of effectively retarding the election process for the whole country in 2008.

Common examples of swing voters include “Reagan Democrats,” “Clinton Republicans,” and “Julius 'Dr. J' Erving Libertarians.”

The Undecided Voter at a Glance:

Current Occupation: Youth Minister

Exploring Employment in the Fields of: Buying and flipping real estate, day-trading, applying for government grants and falling for a Nigerian Bank Scam

Self-Described Political Views: Fiscally liberal; socially conservative; pro-life; pro-abortion in the cases of rape, incest and freshman year; anti-globalization; anti-union; pro-science; anti-"evilution"; pro-American Idol; anti-welfare; pro-welfare for white people

Disgusted By: Attack Ads

Makes Final Decision Based on Contents of: Attack Ads

Looked Down Upon At: Dinner Parties

Candidate Breakdown:

McCain
Pros: Looks like my granddad, maverickability
Cons: My granddad molested me

Obama
Pros: Will offer change by the fistful
Cons: First, Middle, Last Name