Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

Red Cross investigators concluded last year in a secret report that the Central Intelligence Agency’s interrogation methods for high-level Al-Qaeda prisoners constituted torture. While the major methods of torture have been well documented, The Red Cross also released a list of the “lesser known” methods of torture that the CIA experimented with in the aftermath of 9/11. These methods included:

-Being locked in a room with someone who’s favorite movie is Gladiator for up to 30 minutes.

-Playing the terrorists in NHL ’97 and using the trick where if you skate across the red line while shooting you score every time.

-Having to show up at the Abu Ghraib Usual Suspects theme party dressed as Kevin Pollack.

-Allowed to start own fantasy football league but then forced to pick Mark Brunell #1 overall.

-Tea-Bagging

-Made to look into the camera and say that the Koran is pretty good, but Katy Perry is out of this world.

-Having to sit through the World Famous Tommy Bartlett Water Show only to leave right before the grand finale.

-Get to see the new Batman movie except Heath Ledger is digitally replaced with Jeff Goldbloom.

-Two Terrorists, One Cup